Oakland, Calif.

So I went to Oakland this weekend with my homie Christina to visit her homies in Oakland, city of high crime rate, lots of black people and within close proximity to Berkeley, Calif. AKA "Liberal Heaven."

See, when liberals die they all go to Berkeley where they can be as controversial or as weird as they want. Where they can have waiting lists for hybrid cars and ban styrofoam. It was very fascinating. So fascinating that I wrote a frickin' rock opera about it over the weekend with the closing anthem featuring the lyrics:

"Oakland is the place where your dreams go to die/When the rent gets to high/In San Francisco/Where I riot can start in the blink of an eye/And the smallest matter is do or die/In Oakland, California"

I also have a musical I'm writing about Bakersfield, but I'm TOTALLY going to wait until I move to try to get it performed. It includes a long, rousing number about a non-news day at The Californian that includes the phrase: "Don't be lazy, and don't you whine. Everybody's gotta suck it up and take it some times."

Anyway, I had a great time in Oakland over Halloween weekend and I got to pass out candy to little black kids while their moms yelled at them "I didn't hear you say THANK YOU! Say thank you to the lady!"

Ah ... memories.