My Sister Denise
Denise, my big sister who is currently finishing up another degree as a senior at Illinois State University (she's getting an accounting degree to go with that degree in electrical engineering. Yeah, she wants ALL your money.)
But Denise recently sent me a care package and although I don't know if Denise considers herself a humorist, but I often find that what is funny about my math-minded, Vulcan-like logical older sister is how she is often her funniest when she is not trying to be funny at all. Usually she is merely doing things that to the untrained eye just look like nothing. But ah-ha. She's like a shot of top shelf tequila.
She sneaks up on you.
For instance, I will include a list of the things my sister sent me in a package on Valentine's Day (that I wouldn't pick up from the Post Office until today because I'm lazy.)
The humor is somewhere in there. It is up to you to find it.***
1. One copy of Pebbles "Greatest Hits"
2. A copy of our younger sister Deidre's college graduation commencement program. Deidre graduated with a degree in Theater & Dance in December. On the program Denise included a "Kraft Finance" sticky note saying: "Deidre's Commencement Program Did you get one / want one?"
3. One copy of Al B. Sure!'s album "Sexy Versus"
4. A newspaper column on how at 28 you are too old to live at home.
5. One pink Hallmark card for Valentines day saying:
"Danielle ~ Wishing you the simple Valentine's Days joys of living well, loving deeply, and being loved in return. Love Denise XOXO"
All was written by Hallmark accept "Danielle" and "Love Denise XOXO"
6. One copy of New Kids On the Block "Greatest Hits"
7. One copy of a program from Denise's initiation banquet into the Beta Alpha Psi national honors fraterniy for financial information professionals.
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***Why this is funny for those who don't want to just remain in the dark and ponder this for years --
1. Pebble's Greatest Hits: Denise is a child of the 80s. I am a child of the 90s when it comes to music. This is one of those rare moments where our taste in bad music overlaps. Pebble's singing ability is questionable at best but "Mercedes Boy" is a very good song.
2. Deidre's Commencement Program: The fact that she put a sticky on it asking me if I wanted it, but mailed it to me anyway.
3. Al B. Sure! "Sexy Versus": Once again, a moment of Denise and I overlapping in bad R&B land. I could be wrong, but I'm almost positive Denise had a crush on Al B. Sure. I liked his music, but he has a unibrow that for whatever reason, even after he became famous, he would not shave.
This album is significant because on it is "Natalie" a song Al B. wrote for Halle Berry and her character in the film "Boomerang." Boomerang was the first R-rated movie I ever saw and Denise took me and Deidre to see it. I closed my eyes during the sex parts and we had to endure a very loud black man shouting, "Eddie Murphy is a DAMN FOOL!" fulfilling bad racial stereotype #343.
4. Newspaper column about living at home: We often joke that our parents (mostly our mother) would like it if we never left home. Numerous times we have been on the phone with her and after pretending to be OK with us living miles away for about 15 minutes she'll blurt out "You need to move back to St. Louis! But you don't have to. You could stay here and save money!"
5. The Hallmark Card: Before Denise decided to go back to college she worked several jobs as an electrical engineer. One was at Hallmark as a processing engineer. I will not bother trying to explain what she did. I usually just say she makes "widgets." But Denise has never written more than "Danielle" and "Love Denise XOXO" on a card since she began mailing cards when she went off to college the first time more than 13 years ago. She, my mother and Granny are the only ones who used the "hugs and kisses" abbreviation.
Denise is the opposite of me in this manner as I cannot make a grocery list that isn't 25 pages long and doesn't include a table of contents and synopsis.
6. New Kids On the Block Greatest Hits: Growing up our mother was very protective. Until Denise turned 12 we did not have many babysitters. When we were watched it was by a woman who was friends with my mother's sister. Her daughters had every toy in the entire world and were huge NKOTB fans.
We were not. We liked The Time, New Edition and Deidre and I liked The Boys, which was like "New Edition Jr."
Despite this, we still would have liked to play with the other girls NKOTB dolls, stage sets, outfits and whatnot, but as always, we were forbidden to play with anything but the headless, mutilated Barbies.
7. Beta Alpha Psi: Denise is a nerd :)
But Denise recently sent me a care package and although I don't know if Denise considers herself a humorist, but I often find that what is funny about my math-minded, Vulcan-like logical older sister is how she is often her funniest when she is not trying to be funny at all. Usually she is merely doing things that to the untrained eye just look like nothing. But ah-ha. She's like a shot of top shelf tequila.
She sneaks up on you.
For instance, I will include a list of the things my sister sent me in a package on Valentine's Day (that I wouldn't pick up from the Post Office until today because I'm lazy.)
The humor is somewhere in there. It is up to you to find it.***
1. One copy of Pebbles "Greatest Hits"
2. A copy of our younger sister Deidre's college graduation commencement program. Deidre graduated with a degree in Theater & Dance in December. On the program Denise included a "Kraft Finance" sticky note saying: "Deidre's Commencement Program Did you get one / want one?"
3. One copy of Al B. Sure!'s album "Sexy Versus"
4. A newspaper column on how at 28 you are too old to live at home.
5. One pink Hallmark card for Valentines day saying:
"Danielle ~ Wishing you the simple Valentine's Days joys of living well, loving deeply, and being loved in return. Love Denise XOXO"
All was written by Hallmark accept "Danielle" and "Love Denise XOXO"
6. One copy of New Kids On the Block "Greatest Hits"
7. One copy of a program from Denise's initiation banquet into the Beta Alpha Psi national honors fraterniy for financial information professionals.
-----------
***Why this is funny for those who don't want to just remain in the dark and ponder this for years --
1. Pebble's Greatest Hits: Denise is a child of the 80s. I am a child of the 90s when it comes to music. This is one of those rare moments where our taste in bad music overlaps. Pebble's singing ability is questionable at best but "Mercedes Boy" is a very good song.
2. Deidre's Commencement Program: The fact that she put a sticky on it asking me if I wanted it, but mailed it to me anyway.
3. Al B. Sure! "Sexy Versus": Once again, a moment of Denise and I overlapping in bad R&B land. I could be wrong, but I'm almost positive Denise had a crush on Al B. Sure. I liked his music, but he has a unibrow that for whatever reason, even after he became famous, he would not shave.
This album is significant because on it is "Natalie" a song Al B. wrote for Halle Berry and her character in the film "Boomerang." Boomerang was the first R-rated movie I ever saw and Denise took me and Deidre to see it. I closed my eyes during the sex parts and we had to endure a very loud black man shouting, "Eddie Murphy is a DAMN FOOL!" fulfilling bad racial stereotype #343.
4. Newspaper column about living at home: We often joke that our parents (mostly our mother) would like it if we never left home. Numerous times we have been on the phone with her and after pretending to be OK with us living miles away for about 15 minutes she'll blurt out "You need to move back to St. Louis! But you don't have to. You could stay here and save money!"
5. The Hallmark Card: Before Denise decided to go back to college she worked several jobs as an electrical engineer. One was at Hallmark as a processing engineer. I will not bother trying to explain what she did. I usually just say she makes "widgets." But Denise has never written more than "Danielle" and "Love Denise XOXO" on a card since she began mailing cards when she went off to college the first time more than 13 years ago. She, my mother and Granny are the only ones who used the "hugs and kisses" abbreviation.
Denise is the opposite of me in this manner as I cannot make a grocery list that isn't 25 pages long and doesn't include a table of contents and synopsis.
6. New Kids On the Block Greatest Hits: Growing up our mother was very protective. Until Denise turned 12 we did not have many babysitters. When we were watched it was by a woman who was friends with my mother's sister. Her daughters had every toy in the entire world and were huge NKOTB fans.
We were not. We liked The Time, New Edition and Deidre and I liked The Boys, which was like "New Edition Jr."
Despite this, we still would have liked to play with the other girls NKOTB dolls, stage sets, outfits and whatnot, but as always, we were forbidden to play with anything but the headless, mutilated Barbies.
7. Beta Alpha Psi: Denise is a nerd :)
posted by Danielle Belton @ 1:38 PM
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