Pretty Girl Problems

A seminar for people hated because they are beautiful by supermodel Tyra Banks

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Hooray! UPN's Top Model has returned for another season. And look, Tyra has blessed my blog with her presence. I just feel, so, so, so very honored! So honored! Ty-Ty Baby, what do you have to say to the pretty women out there reading?
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Gurl, you just don't know how hard it is to be beautiful! Girlfriend, you don't know!

Girlfriend, it is so hard to be this good looking. Seriously. Look at me. I'm fine as hell. Tell me you dont want me. You want me right now, don't you. Get it out your system. I can wait ...

Damn, you are a pervert. It should not take that long.

OK. OK. But seriously, don't get me wrong. I used to be ugly. I was an ugly duckling. I was a skinny black girl with no booty. My girl Aisha Tyler said it best, that havin' no ass in the hood is a straight up handicap like a clubbed foot or nappy roots in ya kitchen. That's the back of your head for the Negro Challenged. Hair can get crazy up in there, you know what I'm saying?

But seriously, I was once amongst the physically (beautiful) challenged. It was rough, girl. Especially with this forehead.



I mean, seriously? You've seen my forehead. It's no joke. Anyway, naturally, I grew into my fineness and found, hell, I still had problems. Serious problems. Like you know how if something is just a little bit off? Like if someone is too ugly or fat you can't really look them in the eye or like you were born near a nuclear waste dump or something and you had like three eyes and six arms and were all wilding out? Well, it's OK to be cute. Monkey's are cute, you know what I'm saying? And it's OK to be pretty because every bitch between here and Bangkok has been called pretty at least once in her life. Like maybe you have pretty toes or pretty hair or you're pretty ugly? Know what I'm saying? But if you're beautiful, if you're TOO beautiful, girl, you have PROBLEMS.


My beauty put a spell on you ... because your mine!

Being beautiful means a lot of mess. Just mess girl like, in for instances ...

1. Naomi Campbell will totally hate you. I mean, we're both sisters. You think she'd help a girl out, but no. It's all steal my shoes at the Prada show and have me walk barefoot down the aisle like a damn fool. But I got her ass. I got two TV shows. I don't need the runway. I can eat ribs and they will airbrush off my fat. Recognize! But the pretty and non-pretty alike will hate your just for no reason. Say you're vain or self-centered or a bitch. Usually bitch is the biggest one. I'm considering having it tattooed on my forehead just to save folks time. To quote one of my favorite "Top Models" when someone tries to front on you because you're beautiful, and you make them look like the fool pull an Eva the Diva and shout "In all ya'll tall bitches faces!"
   
2. People expect you to ALWAYS look like you just came from the f-ing Oscars. It is hard work looking this good all the time. Sometimes you just wanna let your weave out and be bald for a few hours? You know what I'm saying? I'm not Omarosa. That girl is unbe-weaveable. She rocks it like it's a religion or something. I can't be all weaved up 24/7. My roots and baby hairs need to breathe. But people can't handle that. People are all, "Why can't you look like your Vogue cover?" I'm like, bitch you look like someone beat you with a hot curler. Don't come at me just because I can't be all dewy fresh all the time. I have sweat pants days. Pretty girls have periods. Recognize!
3. Men will cheat on you. I call this the Halle Berry Syndrome. Here I am, fine as hell, and you're running around with some other skank who doesn't look half as good as I look bald-headed on a no-weave day. Halle knows what I'm talking about. Vanessa Williams knows what I'm talking about. J. Lo, gurl. You better holla back. When you look this good the mens get all intimidated. They get insecure. They get all John Singleton on you. Don't want you to do a love scene with Omar Epps because he got issues, know what I'm saying? I'm like, I'm a serious ACTRESS, I don't want to get nekkid with Omar Epps but if you don't stop acting a fool I'll never get nekkid with you ever again. Girl. Tyra is not afraid to keep all this goodness to herself. I'll go on strike. But seriously, girl. I've been hurt. I've been cheated on. And Heidi, I hope you're happy with Seal because the minute you gain five pounds or, like, have the nerve to demand that he worship you like the goddess I am, I mean, you are, he will turn on you like month old milk.
   

But you don't have to be lost girl. Just come to my seminar where beauty is power and power is beauty and "in all ya'll tall bitches faces!" I don't need a man! I have two TV shows. People LOVE Ty-Ty Baby! Say you love me! Say it! Say it! Now run to me, but runaway from me because you look like you might have scabies ... mmmkay? Maybe you should get that checked out.

Ciao, les bitches! Watch my TV shows! Seacrest out!