Wanted: CD Reviewer

So I'm looking for a junior level CD reviewer to help me review music for the newspaper. Although my tastes are diverse (Oooh! Jon Brion AND Britney Spears, all co-existing in my radio!) There are just some things I shouldn't be reviewing. Like "Incubus." I mean, seriously. That just sounds like noise to me. And Wu-Tang? I realize that they're supposed to be one of the greatest hip hop acts of all time, but take away RZA, Meth and OLB and you've got a big bag of crap. I mean, their music sounds like someone beating a cat profusely over and over again next to loop sayings from obscure Kung Fu movies. I mean, I love overdubed Hong Kong grindhouse flics as much as the next Quentin Tarantino, but C'MON!

So like Caty Z in "Chicago" ... "I can't do it alone."

So I need some junior level reviewers to spew out blurbs to go with my music column. Like for instance, Epitaph label act From First to Last's "Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Has a Bodycount." Now I may like this, I may ask why did they have to beat that cat so badly? I mean, what did that cat do to them to deserve such a beating? Did it steal their amps? Did it piss on the lead guitarist Stratocaster? Did the kitty go kamakazie on the leather sofa? What? What? Why such animal abuse in the name of bad music.

But then, like I said, I might like it. But this is why I need a junior reviewer. I grew up listening to hip hop, blues and R&B (hence why I can say that Wu-Tang sounds like cat abuse — except for OLB. That crazy drug addict is GENUIS!)

So if you like rock, thrash rap, latin, punk, emo, country or heavy metal, give me a shout-out and some writing samples. We might be able to get you a gig at The Californian.

Bakersfield locals preferred!