Paula Abdul for me; Proud Mary for St. Louis

Last year I was forced to endure Fox's American Idol because two local hopefuls were on the show. The local actress/singer/make-up artist Amy Adams and former Taft resident Jon Peter Lewis did their thing and I wrote about it. I didn't mind. Jon and Amy are great people. But let's face it, I kind of hate the show. I mean, really. I hate it. Every minute I was paid to watch it was painful as I watched people try to do whatever stupid thing people wanted them to do. Change your hair, change your attitude, change your voice, you sound "pitchy." What the HELL does that mean anyway? And not to knock the folks who have won, but I've never bought any of their frickin' albums (although I did like Kelly Clarkson's single "Miss Independent" because I like a cheesy pop song from time to time. Heck, I bought the N*Sync "Celebrity" album. So what!)

But, yeah. I'm not buying any albums.

Still, I watched the opening night and last night because one: schadenfruede and two: last night took place in St. Louis.

I like looking at pictures of my hometown. It's so pretty on TV. The old courthouse with the Gateway Arch behind it. Just lovely. Still wanted to beat Ryan Seacrest unconscious, but hey, he's just doing his thing. Still, I wanted to strangle all the judges except Paula Abdul because, dare I say it, I actually enjoyed the woman's music.

"Forever Your Girl" was the first cassette tape I ever purchased. (The second was MC Hammer's "Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em." Yeah, I was 12.) I liked Paula Abdul so much I used to draw pictures of her and wished I could tap dance like she did on the "Straight Up" video, which I STILL think is the jam to this day. C'mon. Admit it. It's a GOOD SONG!

Sure, her singing ability is "questionable," but so is the ability of half the pop wenches running around today. And she didn't try to do real singing like Britney. Paula knew her limits. She was more like J. Lo. Get some good back up and dance your ass off. A matter of fact, Jenny from the Block should write Abdul a check just for following her play book to a "T."

Latina? Check. Former cheesy background dancer? Check. Choreographed for Janet Jackson? Check. Dated/married a celebrity? Check. Put on R&B tinged album using latest hot producer? Check.

All Paula didn't do was act. (Thank GOD. The world is a better place.) But she did make the "Rush, Rush" video with Keanu Reeves, which was, God help me, a GOOD SONG! Sure, she couldn't really sing. But c'mon? You secretly liked it!

And at least the former Laker Girl brought her A-game and I haven't seen anyone try to touch "Cold-hearted" which is still a really badass song. I mean, she did the whole Bob Fosse thing in the video. The heifer was cutting edge. And everyone is totally ripping her off now. That's why it was so funny to actually watch her stop being Miss Nicety-nice for once and get catty last night as some nimrod told her he loved her because she did that one video with the cartoon, but then couldn't remember who the cartoon animal was, hence guaranteeing that she would not vote for him (that and he couldn't sing, but you know calling MC Skat Kat a rat had to piss her off. Then to say he was six when he saw the video. That's like screaming at her -- "Bitch! You're OLD!" I would have slapped him.)

Anyway, I was watching the St. Louis audition in hopes of seeing someone I knew performing. (I did not. Drat!) Instead I got a trip back down memory lane of watching countless black and white people perform "Proud Mary" to the confusion of the judges. I kept screaming, "It's ST. LOUIS! Tina Turner is our QUEEN! Everyone in St. Louis loves doing the 'Rollin' On the River' part." When I joined my sorority (Zeta Phi Beta Inc.) we used to do the whole dance with the karate kicks and everything. Dude, when she was still with ol' crazy Ike they were the biggest thing to come out of East St. Louis (our broke down neighbor in Illinois.) I don't know. Maybe they kept thinking we liked Creedance Clearwater Revival. I'm telling you, folks in St. Louis don't even know that they recorded that song. Heck, I didn't know until I was an adult. A bunch of St. Louisians aren't studying CCR. That was Ike and Tina's song and eventually, just Tina's song. And Tina is well loved in the STL.

We wish she'd move back, but hey, if she likes Europe we understand. But we're gonna sing it. I mean, the song has a river in it. We have a river running through our city. It's pretty logical. Doesn't take a rocket scientist. But it was hilarious to watch all those people try to do the kicks. I mean, no one in St. Louis can sing the song without doing the kicks. You start doing it before you even realize you're doing it.

John Fogerty wrote it, but Tina. Tina perfected it. Ike fixed it. From nice and easy to nice and rough. PERFECTION! It won the Grammy in 1971 for best R&B vocal performance by a group. C'mon!

I like it so much, heck, here's the lyrics! They don't have the "toot-toot-toot" part (so I added it), but c'mon, true believers know when to kick in that first verse for the second time and go all nuts doing the swim like a mad woman! Tossing that wig around! Z-Phi!

"PROUD MARY," AS PERFORMED BY IKE AND TINA TURNER

(Spoken like a true diva)

Y' know, every now and then
I think you might like to hear something from us
Nice and easy
But there's just one thing
You see we never ever do nothing
Nice and easy
We always do it nice and rough
So we're gonna take the beginning of this song
And do it easy
Then we're gonna do the finish rough
This is the way we do "Proud Mary"

And we're rolling, rolling, rolling on the river

Listen to the story

(Start singing nice and easy!)

I left a good job in the city
Working for the man every night and day
And I never lost one minute of sleeping
Worrying 'bout the way things might have been

Big wheel keep on turning
Proud mary keep on burning
And we're rolling, rolling
Rolling on the river

Cleaned a lot of plates in Memphis
Pumped a lot of tane down in New Orleans
But I never saw the good side of the city
Till I hitched a ride on a riverboat queen

Big wheel keep on turning
Proud mary keep on burning
And we're rolling, rolling
Rolling on the river

If you come down to the river
I bet you gonna find some people who live
You don't have to worry if you got no money
People on the river are happy to give

Big wheel keep on turning
Proud mary keep on burning
And we're rolling, rolling
Rolling on the river

(OK, everybody, go nuts here as the band jacks it up!)

Left a good job in the city!
Working for the man every night and day!
And I never lost one minute of sleep
Worrying 'bout the way things might have been!

(Belt it out!)

Big wheel keep on turning!
Turning!
Proud mary keep on burning
Burning!
Rolling!
Rolling!
Rolling!
Rolling!
Rolling on the river

(Oh, yeah! Now just rock it out! Rock it out, St. Louis style!)

I say, rolling!
Rolling!
Rolling!
Rolling!
Rolling on the river!

Say-ah-toot-toot-toot
Toot-toot-toot

(Do the swim! You bend over and shake ya' tail feather!)

Da-da-daaa!
Da-da-daaa!

(Do the kicks now!)

Da-da-dat-dat-dat-ta-da-da!

(Oh yeah! I'm feeling it! That's nice!)