Like A Rhinestone Rapper ...

When celebrities go to jail — Kimberly Ann Jones


Rhinestone Rapper Lil' Kim: No more bling bling. No more ca-ching ching in Sing Sing.

Famous person Lil' Kim is going to jail. Technically, Kim is famous for being a rap artist, but who raps anymore? Kim is really known as that chick who doesn't wear clothes at awards shows and such. That woman who Diana Ross famously fondled on national television, at the MTV Awards, all slightly drunk and thinking, "Honey, I once posed in see-through, Bob Mackie-designed, diamond-covered, modern art pieces, but you look ridiculous. Boobs go under the shirt, honey. And a rhinestone pasty is not a shirt."


Her bad fashion is legendary. I wonder how all those bikini tops will coordinate with her orange jumpsuit?

Poor Lil' Kim. But hey, live by the rhinestone gangsta life go to jail by the rhinestone gangsta life, I always say. But can you be MAC Viva Glam and still be in the slam — mer? That's what I want to know.

Maybe we should send the Kimster a little prison package to help her survive in the joint. After all, she is diminutive and a year is a mighty long time when you've gotten used to wearing mink while sippin' champagne with diamonds in the glass, Moet by the case, the meaning of expensive taste?

Maybe Martha Stewart could give her some ideas? Like how to crochet little cozies for her friend's Uzis? A little pink gun tote. That might be nice. I bet they have an "how to knit an Uzi cover" kit at Target by now? You can make a bikini and a yoga bag. Why not a nice little softie for your sawed off shotgun? Maybe Kim could get on the good side her fellow inmates by teaching classes on how to survive years in the rap game based on sex appeal, being the mistress of a dead rapper and hype? Throw in her love for blonde weaves and Lil' Kim's our modern day Marilyn Monroe ... with a gat in her lap, spreading like syphilis across the populace with her catchy rhymes. (All my favorite Lil' Kim rhyme couplets are too profane to write here, but I always enjoyed her joint on Puff Daddy and the Family's biggest hit "It's All About the Benjamins," and latter hit on Ma$e's album, back when he cursed for a living, the Rhinestone gangsta classic, "Will They Die 4 You?" Which I used to bump when I was exercising.)


Is that RuPaul? No! It's the Q-to-the-B-to-the-Mother-Lovin'-E-E!

Lil' Kim hasn't done a song worth mentioning since Biggie died and stopped writing her lyrics. I mean, she had "Magic Stick," but let's be honest. That's all about 50 Cent on there. She, at that point, was like some desperate exploited porno flower clinging on to 50's Rhinestone gangsta, bullet-ridden chest for dear life screaming, "Please, please, please let me be the Bonnie to your Clyde! The Yo-Yo to your Ice Cube! The Lauryn Hill to your Wyclef! The Lil' Kim to your Biggie!"

Sad really.

It's a far cry from when she started out, the only person worth paying any attention to out of all of Junior M.A.F.I.A. (Lil' Cease anyone?) who largely sucked bollocks without Kimster and Biggie. I've always been convinced that when De La Soul spit out the lyric "the only Italians you knew was Icee" on "Itsoweeze (Hot)" they were referring to Junior M.A.F.I.A. And I won't even get into what Tupac said about them and their mothers and offspring in "Hit Em Up."

As someone who literally stopped listening to most mainstream rap around 2001 (save Kanye West, Mos Def, various Prince Paul productions and Princess Superstar), I can't say I'm all broke up over the Kim. I have no time for the fake ones or the Rhinestone Rappers. You can't have shoot outs in front of radio stations and not expect to get pinched. But her time is light. She's not like Shyne. All sitting up in the joint getting moldy for taking that hit for P.Diddy. Or Slick Rick, all getting deported. No one is trying to kick the Kimster out of America (although I'm sure some would.) And she didn't go out like Biggie, dead. So this isn't the end of the world. And she's relatively young. She has a lot to give, besides ample viewing of her boobs and crotch at the BET Awards. I'm thinking maybe it's time she started a new career. Maybe we can think of one for Lil' Kim, together, that she could study in a correspondence course from the joint. Any ideas?

I'm thinking — Food service worker. Huh? It's an honest living? Hollywood madam? It worked for Heidi? Ideas? Suggestions?