Extreme Band Makeovers

As an entertainment reporter I receive tons of promo material on bands — whether they're coming to town or not. And what always fascinates me are the photos they include in their promo material. The photos are almost always indistinguishable — a bunch of guys with artully glued, bed-head hair wearing crappy T-shirts. They usually have on Chuck All-Stars (the footwear of choice) and they either A) Look wistful because they think they're profound and write meaningful lyrics; B) Look angry because they break stuff on stage and used to be a 12th century vampire; C) Look like they might rob you ("We're from the hood, yo!"); D) Look like what would happen if Ashton Kutchner and blink-182 had a baby (Everybody do the "Punk'd!"); or E) Look like they play lots and lots of EverQuest and read Tolkien.

Mind you, they're still all wearing the same crappy T-shirts. It's like how gold sequins and eye shadow used to be the uniform in the 80s. Today the look is "I'm broke — with a message!" Now, I'm not critiquing their music. Heck, I think I might like a few of these fellows. But the pics, guys? Are you all using the same cameraman? Did you all shop at the same Goodwill? How many vintage Iron Madien T-shirts are there in the world?

So I want to help them out. Give them a new look to match their musical style. Something to set them apart from the pack so I'll stop just throwing their press kits in the garbage without even listening to the CD. That's why I'm offering — BAND PHOTO MAKEOVERS! (Because you all can't wear the same crappy T-shirts.)

EXHIBIT "A": LUX COURAGEOUS



ANALYSIS: These guys are playing Jerry's Pizza July 12, and with band member names like PJ Tepe, Adam LoPorto, Chris Valentino and Jani Zubkovs it's got to be good. They just sound like they can write some music, but can they take a picture? Well, one guy has "Farrah hair" and they're definitely working the "wistful" like any band with paperback romance novel names would. This band also has three members with light blonde/light brown hair. They're definitely not going to get too dark on their music with all that sun and Ashton-ness going on with Farrah-Hair over there. Their music is hard to pin down. Apparently they're the poppy emo band with the sing-a-long-ability.

CURRENT LOOK: Just your average emo band with sing-a-long-ability. (boring)

NEW LOOK: The new romanticism! (Whoo! Hoo! Tacky, but I won't throw yer press kit away!)


Meet Lips Velvet. I don't know if he can sing or anything, but I don't think that's the point when your name's Lips Velvet.

Hey, fellas. You've got romantic names. Your friggin' band is called "Lux Courageous." Why not go with that? I'm thinking puffy shirts. The puffier the better. Oh! And leather pants with drawstrings. And let Farrah-Hair go nuts. Let's all get Farrah-Hair and then, then we'll have something!


EXHIBIT "B": FLIPSYDE



ANALYSIS: They're the hip hop act from Oakland that cares with serious, politically conscious lyrics and world beats. Musically, they're pretty good. I'm writting about them in this Thursday's section. Fashionwise? Dude, when did some black dudes take over Korn? And is that a crappy T-shirt? It's hip hop punk rock-style! Nice try boys. But you still look like everyone else. You're all menacing, but where's the fun? Will the world not be saved if you don't crack a smile? OK, OK. You're right. Your music (a nice mix of Chuck D. and the Black Eyed Peas go to Brazil) doesn't lend to that gesture, but I just bet I can come up with something that does!

CURRENT LOOK: We just dress like we might rob you, but don't let that stop you. We're deep like Mos Def and from that coast on the left! Bay Area, baby. Drive you crazy!

NEW LOOK: The streets are politics and politics are street. We're doing the Jon Stewart goes hip hop, son. One!



Tell materialistic rappers they're hurting America while showing political figures how you can subvert their game by taking their look and totally flippin' it up. Fight ignorance with irony! I'm talking about dressing in blue power suits and red ties. White starched buttons, yet, keepin' it street by wearing classic "Run DMC" era Adidas tennis shoes with the fat laces. Bust out the bling jewelry with over-the-top sayings on them like "GREEDY," accessorized with "DON'T BLAME ME, I VOTED FOR NADER" buttons optional. Now that would scare the crap out of people.


EXHIBIT "C": SHERWOOD





To see the horror in larger form ... click here.

ANALYSIS: "Top o' da mornin' to ya! We're Sherwood! Allegedly we're emo, or whatever that t'is, but in our pictures it looks like we're a-frolickin' o'er that famed emerald isle! Ay, we look ridiculous! Ay!" Boys! Boys! Boys! What are we thinking? I get that your name is "Sherwood" like the Sherwood Forest in "Robin Hood," but c'mon? You guys are one Reniassance fair from creeping me out. The Mr. Frodo look is out unless you're a hobbit or Elijah Woods.

But not all Sherwood's pics are bad. This one's OK, but it makes them look like Ivy-leagures out for a kegger who thought it would be neat to take a picture with this wooden window frame.



CURRENT LOOK: We like RPG, collect stamps and listen to Oingo Boingo. College nerds rule!

NEW LOOK: School of (emo) ROCK!


I don't know who these folks are, but they're totally working it.

If you wanna look like a bunch of hippy Catholic school boys on holiday you should push that look to the MAX. And there is nothing emo about what you're rockin' right now (whatever emo is). If anything, I look at those pictures and expect you to start "la la la-ing" like a bunch of Beatles rip offs. (See "The Syrups." And mind you, I like The Syrups. But they were so faux Beatles it hurt.) But you're not a la-la-la band of elves, right? Right? So get Catholic school boy, cad from Yale on it. Work that sweater vest like it's going out of style. Izod it! Ralph Lauren it! Get matching cardigans! Scrunch up your hair and become your own genre — Preppy punk! Dress posh, but mosh! (Or whatever that means ... it rhymes.)

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Does your band need a makeover? Did you see a band that needed a makeover? Send their picture to me (dbelton@bakersfield.com) and I'll let you know if you're pimping out your fame in just the right way. Mind you, I'm not taking into account your music, how many albums you sell, or anything for that matter. I just do this because it's fun and I like making fun of boys in crappy T-shirts.