The Reality Show That Should Be Shown in High Schools Across America
So the other day I was watching TV, unwinding from a long day at the news factory when I found myself watching "Nanny 911" on Fox.
I usually don't make a point to watch this, but I was fiddling around with the remote and stumbled upon it. Sure enough, I couldn't take my eyes off it. Yeah, it's unbelievable cheesy. C'mon. It's FOX. The show's premise involves a stressed out family with usually a butt-load of screaming, unruly children and then some prim "English" nanny, complete in a "Harry Potter meets Mary Poppins in a Nunnery outfit" and commences to get down to some no nonsense British nanny rearing for those clueless Yankees.
(I wonder if there's an equivalent to this on the BBC featuring some pushy American — like Sassy Black Woman 911, where a black southern woman who's raised the bratty children of rich southerners for generations brings out some good ol' bama wisdom to the Brits. "Time out? Oh no. Aunt Nessie don't play that. You take your Brit butt outside and cut yo'self a switch!")
As stupid as this is, (I mean, c'mon, the uniform? The nanny roundtable? The fake Britishness? No way in hell!) I strongly believe this show should be shown in high school's across America because I swear, it's like friggin' birth control. Five minutes of it made me never want to have children or get married. OBGYN's could just prescribe that people watch this. You'll think twice about doing the horizontal lambada without a parachute. Or twice about even doing it at all. The last episode featured a messy, hazard area that used to be a house with three dogs, three cats, two rabbits, a hamster, five feral children, a troglodyte husband and a woman so exhausted she looks like she's two steps from the mental asylum.
On top of that her husband likes to called her "fat" repeatedly in front of the children and essentially encourages them to join in the fat mongering. Then he complained that she was thin when he married her and this wasn't what he signed on for.
Let's see what your waistline looks like after you pop out five violent feral brats, buddy!
As for the kids, one screamed constantly. Like a death scream. Like the painting "The Scream" all the time. All of them hit each other and pushed each other into things. One girl already had a broke arm. The dog hid under the dining room table. The two-year-old repeatedly tried to kill his baby sister. Usually by beating her up around the head, sitting on her or suffocating her. Then the father sometimes liked to hold his son down and harass him until he was crying and hyperventilating. Then he'd mock his tears and inability to breath. Forget Nanny 911. These people needed DCFS 911 — Where an overworked, underpaid American social worker comes to your house and tells you to get your parenting skills together or she'll threaten to put your kids into the Kern County foster care system. They were raising future serial killers and sociopaths of America in that house.
I can still see that high school health class now. Showing pictures of the husband and wife before kids, all young and thin and ready to do it. Then cut to the fatness and brats and chauvinist crap and see the reality of what one night of fun will do to you? You could be THIS woman!
Run away, lady. Leave the demon spawns with Daddy and just run ... a ... way.
I usually don't make a point to watch this, but I was fiddling around with the remote and stumbled upon it. Sure enough, I couldn't take my eyes off it. Yeah, it's unbelievable cheesy. C'mon. It's FOX. The show's premise involves a stressed out family with usually a butt-load of screaming, unruly children and then some prim "English" nanny, complete in a "Harry Potter meets Mary Poppins in a Nunnery outfit" and commences to get down to some no nonsense British nanny rearing for those clueless Yankees.
(I wonder if there's an equivalent to this on the BBC featuring some pushy American — like Sassy Black Woman 911, where a black southern woman who's raised the bratty children of rich southerners for generations brings out some good ol' bama wisdom to the Brits. "Time out? Oh no. Aunt Nessie don't play that. You take your Brit butt outside and cut yo'self a switch!")
As stupid as this is, (I mean, c'mon, the uniform? The nanny roundtable? The fake Britishness? No way in hell!) I strongly believe this show should be shown in high school's across America because I swear, it's like friggin' birth control. Five minutes of it made me never want to have children or get married. OBGYN's could just prescribe that people watch this. You'll think twice about doing the horizontal lambada without a parachute. Or twice about even doing it at all. The last episode featured a messy, hazard area that used to be a house with three dogs, three cats, two rabbits, a hamster, five feral children, a troglodyte husband and a woman so exhausted she looks like she's two steps from the mental asylum.
On top of that her husband likes to called her "fat" repeatedly in front of the children and essentially encourages them to join in the fat mongering. Then he complained that she was thin when he married her and this wasn't what he signed on for.
Let's see what your waistline looks like after you pop out five violent feral brats, buddy!
As for the kids, one screamed constantly. Like a death scream. Like the painting "The Scream" all the time. All of them hit each other and pushed each other into things. One girl already had a broke arm. The dog hid under the dining room table. The two-year-old repeatedly tried to kill his baby sister. Usually by beating her up around the head, sitting on her or suffocating her. Then the father sometimes liked to hold his son down and harass him until he was crying and hyperventilating. Then he'd mock his tears and inability to breath. Forget Nanny 911. These people needed DCFS 911 — Where an overworked, underpaid American social worker comes to your house and tells you to get your parenting skills together or she'll threaten to put your kids into the Kern County foster care system. They were raising future serial killers and sociopaths of America in that house.
I can still see that high school health class now. Showing pictures of the husband and wife before kids, all young and thin and ready to do it. Then cut to the fatness and brats and chauvinist crap and see the reality of what one night of fun will do to you? You could be THIS woman!
Run away, lady. Leave the demon spawns with Daddy and just run ... a ... way.
posted by Danielle Belton @ 5:31 PM
3 Comments:
At 9:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
I SAW that show! My wife was watching it so I sat down, thinking it'd be nice to ridicule someone else's miserable existance for a few minutes.
When the loser started talking about his brilliant comeback anytime she asked him to do something resembling parenting ... "I just tell her she's fat" I screamed "WHAT AN ASSHOLE!". My wife hit me with a "don't you remember when you ..." sack of creative memory and suddenly we were transported back to the days of Post-Partum badger the guy until he admits your body has changed bliss.
Just wanted to distance myself from the spoiled lazy little fat boy husband on that show & let you know that there's plenty of spousal abuse to go around so c'mon, join the suffering already.
At 9:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
I've seen this program before. It always makes me feel happy my kids don't scream all the time and that I've been lucky enough to find men in my life who don't call me fat (although my current beux did make the mistake of saying I was a little chubby lately-- this is just bad news guys, don't say that!!!). The show is hilarious though, and I often wonder if it is just plain staged. I mean seriously, if my husband was calling me names, toturing the kids, not helping out at home, and yet still making the moves on me so I had five bratty screaming kids I would run far and fast. I would not pick up the phone to Fox and be all about having film crews chill at my house with some fake nanny explaing what a crappy mom I was!
At 10:02 AM,
Danielle Belton said…
I think a lot of the show is staged, accept the parents feelings about each other and their kids. I just can't see any asshole voluntering that his wife is fat and telling his kids to call her that on television as faking it. Or a guy who holds his kid down until he hyperventilates. I mean, who does that?
And then he brags about it and the kid is like five? He's not faking anything. That jerk off actually believes the garbage he's spewing. If anything, the fake was when at the end of the show ALL OF A SUDDEN he had, like, a deathbed conversion and was suddenly compassionate and understanding. Then at the end of the episode they show a preview to how they came back to the house because as soon as they left it was all "same shit, different day." With the cursing and the fat calling and the abusive, dysfunctional marriage.
It may be crackheaded to you or I to do this to your family on television, but there are a lot of people who don't care how they get on TV. Eat a fried rat. Jump out a building. Model a burlap sack. Abuse your kids. It's all good. I just wonder what folks who actually know these crazies think. Like their neighbors and co-workers. Are they all watching it (and you know they are) and giving them wayward glances at church? Avoiding eye contact in the grocery store? Going, "I bet he broke his daughter's arm!"
Oh, yeah. That's what's happening!
So no one would do that to their kids unless they thought they were right. Who'd fake this? Unless they want the whole town to think they beat their kids and spouses.
Or maybe he lives in "Wifebeaterville." I don't know.
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