All right, which one of you gave me Cooties?

I am having the worst case of cooties ever as my face has broken out with acne of gigantic proportions. I've got a zit on my chin double for Mt. Rushmore and my forehead is so hilly that it's alive with The Sound of Music.

I haven't had acne this bad since 2000 when I was dating my future ex-husband. I was fighting with The Mommy Person over said future ex-husband everyday, stressing over a job in advertising that I hated and trying to figure out how to get the H-E-double hockey sticks up out of St. Louis. It was horrible. But for the past two years I was relatively zit free and was lulled into this sense that puberty was finally over. I mean, it was still uneven (as always). And it was still oily (as always). And it was devoid of wrinkles (thank you, good genes of The Mommy Person!) But best of all it was bump-free. Now it's like the surface of the moon.

This is seriously not working for my totally Extreme Belton Makeover. Not at all.

So on Saturday I was lying around the house watching TV because I was too lazy to get up and put in the friggin' DVD and wound up watching The Vanessa Williams try to sell me some Proactiv. Have I ever mentioned that I love The Vanessa Williams? The Vanessa L. Williams? The real Vanessa Williams not the black chick who only lasted one season on Melrose Place? The one who starred in the movie "Soul Food" not the TV show "Soul Food?" The one who was the first black Miss America then got busted for being all nekkid then came back and recorded "The Right Stuff" and "The Comfort Zone" which I rocked on cassette tape from here to eternity like it was nothing? Did I ever mention that if you walk up to me and say, "Oh and by the way?" I'll retort, "This one's for you?"

I love Vanessa Williams, ya'll!

I put my stock in her, not The Halle Berry. But alas The Halle Berry got the acting career and Vanessa got the infomercial. But in the end they both married different messed-up ends of the same guy so I guess it all comes out in the wash. (Dude, Rick Fox so looks like he could be Eric Benet's craggly play cousin.) Of course this just proves that you can be two of the most beautiful women in the world and still have a love life that sucks major bollocks.

Anyway, Vanessa Williams can sell anything to me, from her movies to her CDs to Radio Shack. Something about her just seems so well put together and in control even though I know that she's probably livin' la vida tragic mulatto in a major way. But it never registers. (It's called "acting," ya'll!) So for this long I actually considered dialing up and ordering me some Proactiv just cause 'Nessa said it made her silky fine. But then I reminded myself that I do not order stuff off the TV. If I order Proactiv I might as well call up and get that Epil Lady Stop N' Spray, that Ab Roller, some Washington state oceanfront property and a jar of Nads. And, um, hell no. That's not happening. But, unfortunately, the acne is. Big time.

Guess it's time to hit up the Clinque counter and the Neutrogena, kidderinos!