Danielle Belton Online

Now with more drama for your mama

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Drunk Dialing

I was e-mailing my fake sister Christina this link regarding Michael Jackson possibly losing his stake in The Beatles music catalog. For those who don't know. Back in 1985, Jackson royally screwed Paul McCartney's pooch and out-bid him for The Beatles catalog, ponying up $47.5 million.

No remaining Beatle would ever be able to afford the catalog now, but with the trial and his weird shopping habits there's a good chance he won't own it either. Of course, if he's smart he'll hold onto the damn thing for dear life since I highly doubt that he'll ever be able to make another album worth buying ever again after this trial is over with -- acquittal or no. The man's career is DOA.

When I sent Christina the note she e-mailed back:

I bet Paul McCartney's been snickering for months now. "You won't be drunk dialing me from prison, will you? Bloody wanker!"

Which inspired me to write this ... because, well, I really like parody ... enjoy.

DRUNK DIALING
By Michael Jackson

Paul McCartney's answering machine, circa 1989 to 1996:

BEEP! ... Hi Paul, this is Michael. I just finished going for a swim Brooke Shields and Emmanuel Lewis and Helga was out sick and couldn't do laundry, so right now we're using "Let It Be" and "Yesterday" for towels. They're really absorbent! Just like Egyptian cotton! Tee hee! ... Byeee. .... BEEP!

BEEP! ... Paul? If you're there pick up. ... Pick up, pick up, pick up! ... BEEP!

BEEP! ... Hey Paul! How's Wings going? Not good, huh. Well, you can say, say, say what you want, but man, "Come Together" makes GREAT Kleenex and I've got a bitch of a cold! (loud wet sneeze) ... Mmmm. Excuse me. ... BEEP!

BEEP! ... Macaulay, stop! ... Tee hee. I'm on the phone! (long pause, unintelligible giggle) ... You are so silly ... (three minutes of silence) ... Oh, Goodness! I forgot all about ... BEEP!

BEEP! ... Sorry about that Paul. I'm sorry. Macaulay was tickling me again ... We were having pillow fight, only we weren't using pillows, but fistfuls of money from selling the rights to use your music in Microsoft commercials. Ciao! ... BEEP!

BEEP! ... (Sounds of paper horns and Disney movie music) Happy Birthday, Paul! I'm having a party at Neverland for you ... Liz, Liz, honey, that's not bean dip! Could someone help, the Llama! I think he's sick! ...

... Sorry about that Paul. I was telling you about your birthday party. Of course I didn't invite you because I don't like you anymore and the party's really for Corey Feldman, but, you know? In spirit. In the spirit. ... Oh my, hold on, Paul ...

... Corey, I'm on the ... (rustling over the phone) ... Corey, I'm on the! ... (Drunken grumbling, possibly Feldman) ...

... EEEMILO! F***in' Judd Nelson... shoulda been me! Hey, Mike. Mike. Mike. You still got Brooke's phone number? F***ing "Suddenly Susan." More like suddenly YOU SUCK A**! Damn him! ...

... (More rustling over the phone) Gimmie that! ... I'm sorry, Paul, where was I? ... Oh no, Corey? ... You're spilling Jesus Juice on the carpet ... Corey ... that's staining. ... No, no. Just leave it. Maria will get it. (sound of running up stairs) ... MARIA! ... USE THE SHEET MUSIC! ... YEAH! IT DOESN'T MATTER ... SURE, USE STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER., THAT'S COOL ... BEEP!

BEEP! ... Oops, I thought I was dialing Lisa. Sorry. Sorry. (Loud chimp wail) Who forgot to change Bubbles! He made a stinky! ... BEEP!

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