Oh my goodness? Could it be true?

... do I, *gasp,* suck?

Lately I've been beset by two unhappy campers who think I suck. They took the time to tell me this on my blog. I believe one even to took the time to run over to Drama Rama to tell them how much they sucked as well. You know? Just in case they were getting all high and mighty with their trying to put on theater in Bakersfield with a budget of $12 and no support. How dare they do something purely out of love! Those bastards! Let's demand they stop trying to bring themselves and others joy right now!

As someone who used to receive mail from the Klan back when I wrote political columns in college, the whole "you suck" thing really doesn't bother me. Death threats are far creepier. So "you suck" is actually kind of funny. Mostly because I don't really think I'm hot stuff anyway so it's weird that someone wants to knock me down a few pegs. I'm only 5'3", folks. I can't get much shorter.

Yet, I think I'm good enough to procure employment and enough people like me to keep me employed. Therefore it's only natural that I'm going to get on the occasional bad side of a reader. It comes with the territory.

But I don't blame these people. They have a right to their opinion. To them, I suck. I'm on the crack rock and I have no idea what I'm talking about. And they have their reasons. But who hasn't said that something once sucked in their lives? Who hasn't seen/watched/heard/read/met someone who they felt utterly, utterly sucked? Just blew. I mean, you were like, "man, I really don't like this and I don't need a reason why not to like it — I just don't. You just suck! Why won't you stop existing, ye who doth sucketh so profoundly!"

Well, in the spirit of people who think I suck, yet for some reason, subject themselves to me, my blog and The Californian, here is my list of things I think suck for utterly no reason other than it's my opinion that I hateth these things so profoundly.


The Phantom of Suck: It's nothing personal, Andrew. You're mega rich and worldwide people love you. I just think your musicals suck. No big.

1. Meta-Thespian Andrew Lloyd Webber: As a theater reviewer I cannot avoid this man and his horrible, horrible works. With "Jesus Christ Superstar" as the sole exception everything that Webber has ever written, produced or even sneezed in the general direction of has sucked profusely.

2. Actor Taye Diggs: For no reason at all. Literally. No reason, I can't stand actor Taye Diggs. Maybe it's because he ... no. There's no reason. No reason at all.

3. Rapper Ludacris: He was wearing a Marcus Garvey T-shirt during a video he shot in Africa with big-booty dancing girls. What's next? MLK doing the robot? Ludacris you doth suck in thine eyes.

4. Domino's Pizza: Worst. Pizza. Ever.

5. Star Wars: I really want to like it. I really do. But I'm just gonna say it risking the ire of nerds everywhere. Star Wars sucks. The acting is wooden. The stories are all ripped off from other people and with the newer films I more and more become convinced that it was really George Lucas who directed "Battlefield Earth."

6. Actor Corey Feldman: Do I need to explain that?

7. The novel "Great Expectations:" It was the only book I ever cried because I had to finish reading it. I know it's a literary classic and to me it is an literary classic where all the women are harpies and it sucks.

8. TV show "Friends:" I hated pretending to like that show just so I wouldn't have to hear people go, "How can you not like 'Friends?'" Easy! I don't.

9. The film "Master and Commander:" Made me want to poke out my eyes with boredom.

10. All Carl's Jr. commercials: They've never made me want to actually eat that food. If anything I will eat anywhere but Carl's Jr. because of those commercial.

11. The St. Louis Cardinals: Just because it's my hometown doesn't mean I have to like the team.

12. Baseball: Just because I was raised in a baseball town doesn't mean I have to like the game.

13. Director John Singleton: I hated "Boyz in the Hood." So there. Haven't liked one film he's ever made. I find him bland and lacking in imagination.

14. TV cartoon "Family Guy:" Wow. A really dumb, fat offish cartoon dad. You know? That's brilliant and it was called "The Simpsons." (Although the evil baby is genius, for me "Family Guy" is like season 10 of "The Simpsons" — funny, but not really that funny.)

15. The music of the Wu-Tang Clan: It sounds like someone is murdering a housecat.

16. The music of John Mayer: Wow. It's just like Dave Matthews Band, only it manages to suck even more.

17. Tucker Carlson's bow tie: Ill advised, buddy.

18. Political talk shows were people yell at each other: You're hurting America!

19. Fake musical genre Emo: defies classification of how much it sucks.

And finally ...

20. Kid peeing on things bumper decals: Nothing says "Klassy" with a "K" like a little kid peeing on something.

So join in! Celebrate the suckiness! Relish in it! Proudly announce "I did NOT LIKE IT!" And feel no shame in the comments section below. And if you did not like me, I apologize. I absolve you from ever having to read me again. I promise, I won't lock you up in my basement and force you to read WOTS, hobbling your legs like a power mad Kathy Bates in "Misery." I won't ... this week ... next week anything could happen.