Dumbest. Racist. Term. Ever.

My friend Christina the police reporter was working on a crime story where the incident happened in a predominantly black neighborhood recently and she told me how one neighbor didn't seem to take too kindly to one of the TV cameramen, who happened to be white. To announce her displeasure at him being there she called him a "Crackerwood," quite possibly the dumbest racist nickname I've ever heard given to a white person.

As with all things racist, there are a lot of terms people of differing nationalities have for what they consider to be white people. Some were even created by white people, perhaps wanting to differentiate themselves from other white people they deemed unacceptable (Okie, anyone? Back in the 30s folks in Bakersfield accused Okies of not being white proving once again that race is largely a state of mind. An ignorant one, but still a state of mind.)

Personally, I find about 95 percent of these names laughable ("Honky?" What's that about? That's like calling me a "Spade" or a "Jiggaboo." Did you just walk out of a 1970s blaxpliotation film? Is your name Jay-Z?) The only racist term for white people I feel has any bite to it is "white trash" which, when said by the snobbiest of snobs, or just plain idiots for that matter, comes off as the nastiest thing ever.

As for Crackerwood. That just sounded incredibly dumb. I told Christina that perhaps the woman meant to call him either a "cracker" or a "peckerwood" and got them confused and thus "crackerwood" was born.

To me, "Crackerwood" sounds like either A) A colonial New England homestead B) A new off-shoot of the Cracker Barrel restaurant chain C) A microbrewery or D) A brand of high-end specialty tobacco that would be profiled in "Cigar Aficionado."

And this is why I wrote you all about the fake racist term of "Crackerwood" — So I'd have an excuse to blog my fake Cigar Aficionado article on the Crackerwood Fine Tobacco Cigarillo.

Introducing Crackerwood — "The Official Cigar Brand of the United States Constitutional Congress."

"You know it's good if it's a 'Crackerwood.'"

Cigar Aficionado recently sat down to talk to actors Matthew Broderick and Johnny Depp about their recently deceased contemporary, Marlon Brando's love for the Crackerwood Cigarillo — a tobacco cigar created in the late 1700s by colonial Virginian farmers, named for the providence of Crackerwood, Va.

"Marlon turned me on to Crackerwood while we were filming 'The Freshman' in 1990," Broderick said. "I remember it distinctly because he smelled like McDonald's cheeseburgers that day and his friend Michael Jackson was on the set with Corey Feldman. Feldman wanted to bogart a Crackerwood from Marlon and he said no. Feldman asked him why and Marlon said, 'Because I don't like you very much.' And then, just to piss him off, he gave one to me. That was pretty sweet because I don't like Feldman and Crackerwood makes a bad ass cigar. Sarah and I smoke them all the time, you know? When we're relaxing."

Depp agreed with the smokeability of Crackerwood brand.

"They're good," Depp said. "Brando kept crates of them on his island. Like, in case of the end of the world, you know? And there was just the island he wanted to be able to get his favorite smoke. So he collected them he had crates that were actually from the 1700s. I mean, I smoked a two-hundred year old cigar last time I was there, the last time I saw him with Vanessa on the island, and ironically, Michael Jackson was there too. I don't know why. He's always around. Creepy bugger. But nice. So Marlon gave us some of the 1787 batch, the actual batch, and I don't know how he got this, but the batch the founding fathers smoked after they signed the Constitution. It was really crazy. So Michael tried to smoke one but he gagged and vomited all over Corey Feldman. Marlon got a big kick out of that. As for the 200 year old cigar, I mean, it wasn't very good, but man, it got you unbelievably high. I mean, high like you wouldn't believe. Like, I hadn't been that high since I was 12. It took me a week to come down. (Expletive) incredible."