Stuff in this Friday's Californian

Lotta junk written by moi in Friday's tab. Check out my gigantic club and bar review in today's paper. It includes the following poem, by me, about Riley's Tavern:

An Ode to a Friday Night at Riley's:

Drunk blonde girll in tube top laughs
At guy singing into unplugged microphone
Guy doesn't care though
Dance, guy, dance!
While the troglodytes look on
Someone knocks over my beer
"Hey, man, that cost me $4!"
He only shrugs at me
Goodbye beer, bye-bye

There's aslo a review of "Jesus Christ Superstar" at the Spotlight Theatre and a music review of former entertainment reporter Chris Page's old band "Near Miss Mallet." Both had their charms, but were severly lacking.

www.bakersfield.com

My sister the editor

Props to my sister Denise, my original copy editor, who regularly reads my blog and decided to give me a heads up that I misspelled "platonic" and "prefered."

I remember when I used to spell "idiot" as "idot." I remember Denise said, "At first I wondered why everyone kept calling each other i dots, then I realized you were trying to say 'idiot.'"

That crazy, Denise!

SBF seeks SM to go to plays and dinner

One of the biggest conundrums I have as an entertainment reporter is what to do when everybody and their grandmother invites me out on Friday nights. Part of me, honestly, wants to sit at home with a glass of milk and oreos and watch the Olympics until I'm all patriotic and teary-eyed. But then I do like a good outing from time to time.

Sadly, my number one running buddy Donavan has moved back home to Las Vegas. Donavan was always willing to be my date to numerous plays, rock shows and high brow functions. Then when my sister Deidre was here, she made our duo a trio. Now I have to recruit my friends, freelance photographer Lydia Gonzales, fellow reporters Christina Vance and Jennifer Baldwin to go the stuff with me. Of course Lydia and Vance often end up working nights, and Jenn has a life. It's sad. Donavan would go to ANYTHING! We both sat through "On the Verge" at the Spotlight this spring, bored out of our minds, but he still supplied me with regular witty comments like "this play is like Monty Python-meets-Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange-meets-The Golden Girls."

And Donavan liked Prince and looked like a thin, young Terrence Trent D'Arby! And he's charming and funny and was such a good friend!

Sigh ...

Anyway, I'm thinking about recruiting for a new entourage. Interested parties should read joke ad below:

WANTED: HANGER-ON

* Bakersfield, CA-based entertainment reporter Danielle Belton seeks artsy-fartsy man to be her designated platonic friend and to serve as a date and ego-placater for various Bakersfield entertainment functions.

ABOUT THE REPORTER

* Danielle Belton writes about music, theater, fashion, art, movies and pop culture for The Bakersfield Californian. She owns a pet cat named Shaggy. She hates actor Taye Diggs for no real reason and the films of John Singleton for lots of reasons. Her favorite food is Italian. She doesn't like "close talkers." Her favorite book is Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man" and her ultimate dream is to be all powerful like Oprah Winfrey. She is originally from St. Louis, Mo. and was once in a jazz band with local musician Tony O'Brien. She wears a size 10 shoe and walks a bit like a duck.

REQUIREMENTS

* Candidate must have commanding grasp of the English language, occasionally giving a witty quip that validates said entertainment reporter's thoughts and feelings.

* Must be at least 5'8" or taller.

* Must like to talk but not too much.

* Candidate must be single and avaible to drop everything to attend midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture show or a 2 a.m. crying session where reporter is upset because she thinks she misspelled a word in her story.

* Must be comfortable at any venue from dive bar to five star restaurant. Meals with the wealthy and posh to meals with the grungy and talented.

* Must have at least a high school degree (although some college is prefered).

* Must be willing to brush her hair and tell her she is pretty when she feels said. Being good at doing hair a plus.

* Must look good in a black suit.

* MUST like PRINCE! (Or at least be able to fake it.)

* Homosexuality is not an issue and in certain cases, preffered. (Like if you're drop dead irresitable. Hard to be platonic when one wants to pounce on you.) Reporter would love to have a "Will" for her "Grace."

* Artistic skills (music, art, film, writing, etc.) a plus.

* Must get her coffee order right at Dagny's (It's a vanilla latte, soy milk, shot of caramel, extra shot of expresso, hot and foamy.)

* Nominal fashion sense is rewarded. Reporter really needs someone to go shopping with who won't complain about holding the bags and her purse while she goes to the restroom.

* Car optional.

* Fluency in Spanish a plus.

PERKS AND BENEFITS

* Hanger-on will get to go to various clubs, bars, plays, shops, concerts and restaurants for free with expenses covered by said reporter. She will pick you up for various events in her shiny silver Mazda and drop you off at home.

* Free hugs!

* Free ticket and ride to all Prince concerts within a three-hour drive of Bakersfield.

* Hanger-on will get the benefits of being affiliated with said reporter, like shouting at restaurant owners about how you're friends with a journalist and she could write mean things if they don't give you what you want. (Although said reporter will not write mean things about others for you. It's unethical.)

* You get to hang out with the entertainment reporter. Be the envy of your peers!

Interested applicants should email Danielle Belton at dbelton@bakersfield.com to receive an application and possible sit down interview at Dagny's Coffee Company. Please bring a headshot and a resume, as well as three references about how loyal a friend you can be. Previous "hanger-on" experience will be taken into account.

Round-Up

Been busy. Too busy to blog. You know, with all the wild journalistic adventures.

Here's some highlights:

* Went to Buck's Birthday Bash. Had a great time. It was cool how every time Buck got a phone call from a country music artist, wishing him happy birthday, they would had him a mike so he could talk to them over the sound system in the Crystal Palace. One of the Crystal Palace staff would stand there with a piece of paper with "GEORGE JONES" written in the biggest letters possible so Buck would know who he was on the phone with.

* Other fascinating things I found out that night -- country singer Brad Paisley is handsome, but not very tall. Dwight Yoakam is undeniable cool and Raul Malo of the Mavericks has a fantastic voice.

* I interviewed Mike Ness of legendary punk rock act Social Distortion today. The story will be out next Wednesday. Ness was great to chat with and gave me lots of great quotes about the mainstreaming of punk culture and his return to the stage and studio after the death of his friend and co-founder of Social Distortion Dennis Danell. Ness talked about how Danell took him to some of his first big punk and new wave shows in the late 70s. Social Distortion will be playing Stramler Park next week.

* This Friday's entertainment section is going to feature local country-blues musician Monty Byrom. Monty hit it big as a songwriter in the 80s and later with his band Big House in 1997. Big House broke up around 2000, but Monty and Big House members Ron Mitchell and Tanner Byrom have started playing regular gigs again at Fishlips (on 18th Street and Chester Ave. next door to the Goodwill). He's there every Friday putting on a full-length show. You can read all about Monty, Big House and their adventures in country music in Friday's Eye on Entertainment.

Angels In America

Saw "Angels In America" at The Empty Space. An elderly couple walked out because they thought it was a Juedo-Christian play about angels. You know ... as opposed to the controversial, passionate polemic about Reagan, Mormoms, the 80s, homosexuals (closeted and out) and the AIDS crisis. They walked out after Brian Sivesind (as Roy Cohn) shouted out "GD" for about the 400th time in less than 30 seconds in the opening scene.

But if you have been following the saga of Tony Kushner's mind-blowing play, you might want to check it out. See what Bakersfield has done with it and such and so forth.

Of course I'll have a review out in Friday's Californian.

Happy Birthday, Buck!

Bakersfield's patron saint, Buck Owens is turning 75 this year. His birthday party is going down next Tuesday at the Crystal Palace with Dwight Yoakam, Lee Ann Womack, Raul Malo and even John McCrae of Cake! Chris and Herb will be there. Heck, even I'm going to be there (as a member of the press, of course.) You can read all about it, and the people who are performing in today's Eye on Entertainment in The Californian.

Love Connection

Big Willie Will with the Uplift Comedy Club is threatening to help me find a husband if I show up at the show Wednesday night.

Although I'm considering dating again, many of you already know how disasterous that has been for me. Since Sgt. Kabukiman and I parted ways three years ago I haven't had much interest in finding yet ANOTHER husband. I tried being married and, God, it was horrible. But I digress ...

Willie Will might be able to find YOU a husband if you go to the Uplift Comedy Club at the DoubleTree tomorrow night. It's a great show. Lots of fun and Willie Will is a cool cat. A Q-Dog (Woof! Woof!) and a guy who puts together comedy shows for charity. And how cool is that? Go, have fun. Find yourself a man. I'll go find myself a martini.

Theater scoops!

Stuff going on in local theater --

Jon C. Johannsen has been replaced by Jason McLain in the Stars Theatre Restaurant's production of "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum." Johannsen apparently fell and seriously injured his knee and is now under doctor's orders not to appear as Pseudolus in the Stephen Sondheim play. McLain stepped into the role with on six hours notice and apparently wowed the Sunday mantinee performance ...
 
Brian Sivesind is leaving the theater he founded to go to get his masters of fine arts in directing and the University of California, Irvine. Sivesind will remain on The Empty Space's board, but day-to-day operations will be handled by Bob Kempf ...

... and Brian L. Lyons is leaving Bakersfield Music Theater to take a job with Kern Schools Federal Credit Union. Lyons was BMT's marketing director. He said he will still be doing some work for BMT, but only on a volunteer basis ...

... The controversial "Angels in America" is opening this weekend at the Empty Space (706 Oak St.) The opening show will be a benefit for a local HIV/AIDS organization.

New Column

I should have a new column coming out next Monday. I go on a rant about summer television programming. In it I name two of my horrible reality show suggestions. I have a knack for coming up with horrible reality shows, you know, since the bar's been lowered to hell-fire levels. Like, I'm afraid of just going into spontaneous combustion for thinking about these. But here they are, my top ten horrible reality show ideas:

10. Drag Queen Idol: RuPaul, Mario Cantone, Margaret Cho and show host Lorenzo Lamas grill tall men in heels trying to belt out standards with the flare of Barbara Wah-wah and Diana Ross. The winner gets to headline his own show on the Las Vegas strip.

9. My Big Fat Funeral: Man fakes his own death in a firy car crash. If he can plan his death well enough, and convince friends and family that he's really bit the big one, he'll win $5 million that he'll get to share with his duped peeps. Imagine the drama and surprise when Jimmy pops out of that coffin on the day of the funeral!

8. Extreme Racial Makeover: White folks become black, black folks become white, hispanics become Chinese, living a day in the life as a different race. Imagine the hilarity when the newly-white Tyronne goes to his first Civil War Reinactment battle as a member of the Confederacy! Hilarity!

7. OZ — The Reality Show: Is prison really like HBO's "OZ?" Well, 15 civilians get to find out when they're sent undercover into an actual, maximum security prison. Filmed in the Lerdo correctional facility, these innconcent folks will get the real prison experience, living as inmates and trying to convince the other crooks that they're the real deal. Each fake prisoner will be given a story as to why they got in jail (i.e. "Killed a man in Reno just to watch him die" or "tax fraud"). Then we watch to see who will survive! Every week a panel votes to see if "our" criminals will be released on parole or sentenced to another week in Lerdo's "OZ."

6. Super-Size Me: Ten slightly overweight people rush to pack on the pounds to win a free gastric bypass surgery. Watch them gorge! See how lazy they can be!

5. Get Me Out of Iraq, I'm a Celebrity: Todd Bridges, Lorenzo Lamas, Michael Bolton, Rosie O'Donnell, Kathy Griffin, LaToya Jackson, Emmanuel Lewis, Kathy Ireland, Pauly Shore and Vanilla Ice try to outwit, outlast and outplay while dodging bullets and car bombs in Fallujah. Through various challenges celebrities win things they need to survive in war torn Iraq: flack jackets, bullets and dry food rations.

4. Buy Me A Bride: Creepy American and European men bid on improvished and exploited women from southeast Asia and countries from the former Soviet Union! What will these men do to win their own Thai or Soviet block bride? Cover themselves in leeches? Learn how to speak Cantonese?

3. Grand Theft Auto: Take the America's Funniest Home Videos and Cops and what do you have? Criminals filming their own criminal activites and mailing it into "GTA — The Reality Show." Gun-totting hoodlums document their mayhem and carjacking for the amusement of our studio audience. Watch for the season finale when rival gangs compete to win "most violent" and "most likely to get caught" awards.

2. The Slave Life: What happens when a bunch of gangster rappers lose their cell phones, sky pagers, fly cars, groupies and bling-bling and are sent down south to work on a hot, cotton plantation? P. Diddy and Nelly star in this hilarious look at that "perculiar institution" called slavery. Will they survive Bobo and Mr. Charlie or will they go home crying for their Bentley's and Hummers?

1. The Slave Life 2: We "flip the script" this time, sending rich white folks to toil and sing old Negro spirituals while a poor black family gets the chance of a life time to live as wealthy plantation owners. What will happen they order their once rich n' famous help to make dinner for their family and get the tabacco crop in on time? Starring the Hilton sisters, Paris and Nikki, Justin Timberlake, Eminem and Trent Lott as the slaves.

Back at work

Whew. Took a week off there last week. Boy did I need it. I was tired. All wiggin' out. Buggin'. So I spent my last week hanging with my baby sis before she returned to St. Louis.

I put her on the plane today. Hope she makes it there all right. I already miss her. Who am I going to drag out to lunch? Who will I drive around town? Who will listen to me whine and moan? Who? WHO???