"Every man in America wants me, so why don't you?"

Have you ever received pamphlets or seen advertisments for self-help seminars and wondered, "why on earth would anyone ever go to this?" I do. I wonder why they all have to sound so lame.

Until I discovered this gem from the Celebrity Women's League of America! Finally, a self-help seminar (on love and dating for women) that's actually worth going to!

Don't believe me? Read all about it! (I promise, I'll go back to prattling on and on about my crappy life tomorrow. I need to get this parody out of my system. It just has to go!)

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EVERY MAN IN AMERICA WANTS ME SO WHY DON’T YOU?
A day-long seminar on dating, marriage and re-marriage for the celebrity woman

9 a.m. WELCOME BREAKFAST

Keynote Speaker: NICOLE KIDMAN
Description: Nicole will welcome you to the seminar and kick things off with her speech TOM WHO?: My new man’s name is Oscar, a recount of when love is dead you always have your career.

10 a.m. ROLE MODELS
Four fashion models offer you tips on living with and without love (Choose one)

MANEATER: How you can turn your sexual appetite into a just plain appetite

Featuring: TYRA BANKS
Description: Supermodel, reality TV show host Tyra Banks talks about her failed relationships of how when her make up came off her boyfriends ran off, resulting in a renewed love affair with every girl’s best friend — a plate of smoked ribs.

(2 hours with an all pork BBQ brunch included.)

BETTER LIVING THROUGH PLASTIC: Snip Snip, Slice Slice Your Blues Away

Featuring: JANICE DICKENSON
Description: When a man causes your face to fall on the floor, just have a plastic surgeon pick it up and put it back on says “World’s First Supermodel” and relationship bio-hazard zone Janice Dickenson. Sly Stallone be damned!

(Will start 45 minutes late and includes the "BoBo" package -- free Bloody Marys and Botox injections)

KNOCK’D UP; LOCK’D UP: Marriage by shotgun

Featuring: HEIDI KLUM, KIMORA LEE SIMMONS and ANNA NICOLE
Description: Because some men need a little encouragement to commit models Heidi Klum, Kimora Lee Simmons and Anna Nicole will teach you how to use entrampment to your advantage by either A) getting knocked up or B) seducing old rich geezers. Or as Anna likes to call it The Texas Hoochie Jackie O. technique.

(90 minutes; “Texas Hoochie Jackie O” kit includes G-string, stripper pole, glittery four-inch disco heels and strand o’ pearls)

Noon LUNCH

Speaker: JANET JACKSON, Miss Janet if you’re nasty.
Description: Janet will give a speech entitled JERMAINE DUPRI: Or how I learned to just get with an ugly guy who would just be grateful to be with me because I’m Janet Jackson

2 p.m. MY FAME IS BIGGER THAN YOUR FAME: Marrying the little man and living to regret it
Featuring: VANESSA WILLIAMS and HALLE BERRY
Description: They’re black. They’re beautiful. They can’t keep a man. Just because you’re a former Miss America or a sexy Oscar winner doesn’t mean you’ll even be remotely lucky in love. Especially if you keep dating svengalis, athletes and bootleg R&B sex-fiend crooners. Singer/actress Vanessa Williams and her less talented, but infinitely more wealthy counterpart Halle Berry discuss why the third marriage is the marriage that ain’t happenin’. That is, unless Denzel leaves his wife. Then it’s on.
Fo’ real this time.

(All participants will recieve free supscriptions of Ebony, Jet and Essence magazines, batteries from Radio Shack, a Proactiv acne kit, Revlon make-up kits and all the stuff Rick Fox and Eric Benet left at the house when they kicked them out.)

3 p.m. MASTER OF MY DOMAIN: #%&@ marriage!

Featuring: OPRAH WINFREY
Description: Oprah, along with her special guest, recent parolee Martha Stewart, discuss how a man can only get in the way of happiness. (Unless he’s on a short, short leash like Stedman.) Oprah will demonstrate her “secret man training techniques” that will keep your lesser famous paramour in line so you can shine like the star you are.

(There will be a full buffet provided by Martha for free as stipulated in her parole agreement. Also Oprah is giving away cars and spa kits so arrive early.)

4 p.m. MY NAME IS NOT J.LO: He’s cool until he gets in my way

Featuring: JENNIFER LOPEZ
Description: Fashion, music, dance, acting, colonge, singing, rapping, you-name-it-she's-got-it-but-she's-still-Jenny-from-the-block recently got married but she never lost her control. Learn how to love and leave men both emotionally and financially crippled while still staying teflon shiny. Jennifer teaches you how to turn an outfit change into front page news and says that if he’s not all about you, you, you that man has got to go.

(The room will be all white with white gardenia’s and humidifiers while shirtless pool boys feed you grapes and kiss your toned, tanned bikini-ed behind. Every participate will also recieve Jennifer’s latest CD, passes to see “Monster-In-Law” and a free “Glo” by J. Lo gift pack.)

5 p.m. ROBBIN’ THE CRADLE: Young is the new husband

Featuring DEMI MOORE, CHER and CAMERON DIAZ
Description: He’s too young to know that he shouldn’t want to be with you and boys are for toys! If you want a man to worship you like a goddess you’ve got to get one dummer than you and that means younger. Younger and dumber. It’s like that song “"Father Figure” by George Michael, only you’re more like an older sister and it’s less gay. Or in Cher’s case — somehow more gay.

6 p.m. DINNER

Keynote speaker: ELIZABETH TAYLOR-HILTON-WILDING-TODD-FISHER-BURTON-BURTON-WARNER-FORTENSKY
Description: The name explains it all.