Pretty Girl Problems

A seminar for people hated because they are beautiful by supermodel Tyra Banks

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Hooray! UPN's Top Model has returned for another season. And look, Tyra has blessed my blog with her presence. I just feel, so, so, so very honored! So honored! Ty-Ty Baby, what do you have to say to the pretty women out there reading?
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Gurl, you just don't know how hard it is to be beautiful! Girlfriend, you don't know!

Girlfriend, it is so hard to be this good looking. Seriously. Look at me. I'm fine as hell. Tell me you dont want me. You want me right now, don't you. Get it out your system. I can wait ...

Damn, you are a pervert. It should not take that long.

OK. OK. But seriously, don't get me wrong. I used to be ugly. I was an ugly duckling. I was a skinny black girl with no booty. My girl Aisha Tyler said it best, that havin' no ass in the hood is a straight up handicap like a clubbed foot or nappy roots in ya kitchen. That's the back of your head for the Negro Challenged. Hair can get crazy up in there, you know what I'm saying?

But seriously, I was once amongst the physically (beautiful) challenged. It was rough, girl. Especially with this forehead.



I mean, seriously? You've seen my forehead. It's no joke. Anyway, naturally, I grew into my fineness and found, hell, I still had problems. Serious problems. Like you know how if something is just a little bit off? Like if someone is too ugly or fat you can't really look them in the eye or like you were born near a nuclear waste dump or something and you had like three eyes and six arms and were all wilding out? Well, it's OK to be cute. Monkey's are cute, you know what I'm saying? And it's OK to be pretty because every bitch between here and Bangkok has been called pretty at least once in her life. Like maybe you have pretty toes or pretty hair or you're pretty ugly? Know what I'm saying? But if you're beautiful, if you're TOO beautiful, girl, you have PROBLEMS.


My beauty put a spell on you ... because your mine!

Being beautiful means a lot of mess. Just mess girl like, in for instances ...

1. Naomi Campbell will totally hate you. I mean, we're both sisters. You think she'd help a girl out, but no. It's all steal my shoes at the Prada show and have me walk barefoot down the aisle like a damn fool. But I got her ass. I got two TV shows. I don't need the runway. I can eat ribs and they will airbrush off my fat. Recognize! But the pretty and non-pretty alike will hate your just for no reason. Say you're vain or self-centered or a bitch. Usually bitch is the biggest one. I'm considering having it tattooed on my forehead just to save folks time. To quote one of my favorite "Top Models" when someone tries to front on you because you're beautiful, and you make them look like the fool pull an Eva the Diva and shout "In all ya'll tall bitches faces!"
   
2. People expect you to ALWAYS look like you just came from the f-ing Oscars. It is hard work looking this good all the time. Sometimes you just wanna let your weave out and be bald for a few hours? You know what I'm saying? I'm not Omarosa. That girl is unbe-weaveable. She rocks it like it's a religion or something. I can't be all weaved up 24/7. My roots and baby hairs need to breathe. But people can't handle that. People are all, "Why can't you look like your Vogue cover?" I'm like, bitch you look like someone beat you with a hot curler. Don't come at me just because I can't be all dewy fresh all the time. I have sweat pants days. Pretty girls have periods. Recognize!
3. Men will cheat on you. I call this the Halle Berry Syndrome. Here I am, fine as hell, and you're running around with some other skank who doesn't look half as good as I look bald-headed on a no-weave day. Halle knows what I'm talking about. Vanessa Williams knows what I'm talking about. J. Lo, gurl. You better holla back. When you look this good the mens get all intimidated. They get insecure. They get all John Singleton on you. Don't want you to do a love scene with Omar Epps because he got issues, know what I'm saying? I'm like, I'm a serious ACTRESS, I don't want to get nekkid with Omar Epps but if you don't stop acting a fool I'll never get nekkid with you ever again. Girl. Tyra is not afraid to keep all this goodness to herself. I'll go on strike. But seriously, girl. I've been hurt. I've been cheated on. And Heidi, I hope you're happy with Seal because the minute you gain five pounds or, like, have the nerve to demand that he worship you like the goddess I am, I mean, you are, he will turn on you like month old milk.
   

But you don't have to be lost girl. Just come to my seminar where beauty is power and power is beauty and "in all ya'll tall bitches faces!" I don't need a man! I have two TV shows. People LOVE Ty-Ty Baby! Say you love me! Say it! Say it! Now run to me, but runaway from me because you look like you might have scabies ... mmmkay? Maybe you should get that checked out.

Ciao, les bitches! Watch my TV shows! Seacrest out!

Don't let this happen to you!

From those pranksters at Chickenhead.com.

Trevor Carey: Q & A

WARNING: POLITICAL OPINIONS FULL STEAM AHEAD
For misc. fluff, please, for the love of God, go discuss the reopening of the Rockin' Rodeo here. Save yourself!

Since there seemed to be some interest in where KERN 1410's latest addition Trevor Carey stands (he starts Oct. 3, 9 p.m. to midnight).

Notably from some readers who e-mailed myself and the paper after my story ran:

He is not a "conservative talk show host." The article said he would use the show to portray the Bush administration as "inherently evil." Quit calling him a conservative. Having listened (painfully) to him, I can attest to the fact that he is a leftie. There is no evidence in the article that he espouses anything "conservative." -- Fat Boy

Trevor Carey says that he is not a Republican or Democrat. That the Republican Party left him. That is a bit hard to believe since he promoted rap music and drove around with the rappers smoking marijuana. He says his show is about God, family and country, what is Godly about shredding the President of the United States? What does that teach ones children about respect for ones' country? The Republican Party did not leave Trevor Carey. We listened to him when he took Scott Coxs' place and the only reaction was anger at this man. That is not good listening, it does not cause one to have intelligent thoughts. We know that Kern Radio has left us and we suspect that many others will follow. -- a pair of KERN listeners

And that's not even touching on the blog comments. Taking a break from my usual rants about my hair and the entertainment scene in Bakersfield I decided to ask Carey just where he does stand on some issues so folks can make up their own mind on what's what. Those who come to my page to escape politics, please stare happily at the post on Rockin' Rodeo reopening located here and listen to me bitch rant on MySpace.

TREVOR CAREY Q&A

Did you vote for George Bush in 2000? If so, why. If you didn't, why?

Campaigned and voted for the man. Even drove my kids down to Stockton to hear Gov Bush campaign. I told my kids I support a man who supports the sanctity of life.

If you did vote for him in 2000, what caused you to lose faith in the president?

Well for starters, it's my belief that 9-11 was a staged pretext for war. Where was our military on the morning of 9-11? They were on stand-down. There are so many inconsistencies and straight up lies regrading the actions of this current administration. Plus, George W Bush has not done one thing regarding the crime of abortion in this country. He's a weasel who won't stand up for what he claims he believes in. That's not a leader!

You consider yourself a conservative, what kind of conservative are you? Define conservative.

Conservatism refers to opposition to change. Some conservatives favor the status quo. Conservatism implies that conservatives seek to conserve an ideal social order now in decline. The Patriot Act, Real ID, the war in Iraq, abortion, all things that are status quo today, are all things I disagree with, so I guess I'm a radical conservative that believes in God, Family and Country which I witness going into decline. Fight the Power!!!!!

Succinctly, (just 3 or 4 sentences) your opinion on ...

The war in Iraq: A false war, based on some of the largest lies ever imposed on the American people, and the people of the world. Our US spy satellites can tell us whether a quarter lying on California Ave is on the heads or tails side from out in outer space. The act of involvement in this war is criminal. It was evil. If they had just come out and said, "We're going to war because we need the oil," I could accept that.

Religion in schools: Public Schools: I wouldn't trust a public school teacher to direct my child's faith in God. Leave it up to the parents at home. Private schools: Yes.

Abortion: Believe it or not I am actually Pro-choice. A woman should have a choice. She does have a choice. Shut your legs honey.

The death penalty: I have a problem with this because as a Christian I feel that maybe that individual could come to terms with his maker while serving his life sentence. At the same time I believe in the self defense of society. If a guy is so twisted and demented I don't want him to have the chance to kill a correctional officer or fellow inmate. God gives life, God takes life away. If I was God I would support the death penalty, oh that's right, he already does.

Affirmative action: I believe in Affirmative Action. If it wasn't for Affirmative Action I wouldn't have a job in newstalk radio because we all know only white guys in their 30's and 40's are hired. No, Affirmative Action is racist. It was necessary in the 60's and 70's so that we as a society could equal out the playing field, but it's time has come to an end.

Conservative talk radio: One word, EGO. Two words, they're Right. Three words, Bush is god. I enjoy listening to Glenn Beck, Savage and Phil Hendrie. On the Left I like Randi Rhodes and Mike Maloy. Conservative talk is missing the message to the generation that's being asked to fight this "war on terror." That's where I come in.

The United Nations: The US should do a military take over of the building in NYC and open it up to high priced condos. The UN is nothing more than the cement foundation for the rise and eventual take over of our US Homeland.

France: Right now get a screwdriver and take the hinges off every French door you have in your house.

Michael Moore: It would have been nice if he would have really gone into the details of 9-11 and shown the true cover up that went down on 9-11. Sometimes I feel Michael Moore, and others like him, could actually be a set up opposition to the Bush Administration.

Immigration: All for it, legally. Bush is once again a liar. He campaigned on securing the boarders. If someone had home invasioned your house and killed some of your family members, would you leave your front door open at night? There's a lot more to it that meets the eye. It's called the Hispanic vote. If TV showed soldiers rounding up illegal immigrants crossing the border in Arizona, Hispanic voters would turn on Bush. He knew that, he was advised that, and he did that. It's one of the biggest problems facing the states of the South West. John Kerry could have won if he had made this his focal issue.

Unions: Don't know if you mean labor or gay. Labor Unions are there to make sure American workers receive a fair wage, are protected from selfish companies, and have a safe work environment. With so many jobs being shipped overseas, thanks Bush, thanks Clinton, the Unions are one of the last strongholds of a productive, strong AMERICA. Gay Unions- NO

Gay marriage: No. The sanctity of marriage was ordained by God and we mustn't allow the perversion of the homosexual lifestyle rob heterosexuals from the time honored tradition that is the fabric of this country. I do not hate gay people. I have two gay friends that I consider to be in the top 5 of my closest friend category.

Religion in politics: The separation of church and state has been twisted, spun and inacted into our life based on absolutely no Constitutional grounds. This country was founded on a Judeo/Christian bedrock. I want politicians to speak out on their religious beliefs. It shows me what kind of man or woman they are. Is it mandatory to be a Christian if you want to serve in the US Gov't? No, but don't hide behind it.

"Arnold the Governator:" He's a liberal in Republican's sheep clothing. He's pro-murder of innocent babies in the wombs of California mothers. His ties to the Nazi party go way back.
It's been documented that he abuses women, has affairs on his wife, and on top of that he can't hold a candle to Ronald Reagan when it comes to acting.

The mainstreaming of rap music: Every younger generation will have their outlet for rebellion. The 50's had sideburns and rock and roll, the 60's had long hair and psychedelic music, the 70's had cocaine, disco and pants that were way too tight, the 80's had punk and Miami Vice Sportcoats, the 90's had grunge and music that spoke of blowing people's heads off. Some rap is good, some rap is just ok and then some rap is straight from the fires of Hades. I've asked for my forgiveness for being involved in the mainstreaming of some of the harshest rap pumped out in the 90's-2000's.

The music industry: Lot of great people. Lot of creative people. Lot of hard working people. I see it as nothing different from the Gov't. Bad apples and good apples. The music industry, just like the Gov't is corrupt to the core.

Hollywood: Clean it up. PG-13 is out of control.

The Democratic Party Vs the Republican Party - how are they the same, how are they different how do you feel about them?
They are one in the same. It just makes for fun. Need an opponent.

Bakersfield talk radio - have you listened to it? Who do you like? Who don't you like?
Haven't heard it at all. I'm going to assume that there's not a single host on the airwaves of KERN county who will be exposing the listeners to the mindset I'm ready to blast out.

How will your show differ?
I bring the truth, no matter who it upsets. If I find myself corrected I will be the first to say I'm wrong.

Whew, that was heavy. And now back to your regularly scheduled distraction: Did you hear that Ashton and Demi finally got hitched? I don't care what anyone says. They make a hella nasty looking couple. Like the opposite of Brad and Angelina who look like they could blow things up with pouty lips and hair dye. Not that Ashton isn't good looking, but I'm more of Topher Grace kind of girl.

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Feel angry? Well, Trevor reads this blog, so vent, my little readers! Vent!

Rockin' Rodeo re-opens tonight

We're just happy to be beer ... we mean here! Happy to be here.

If you go tonight drink a little drink for me ...

Did anyone actually go through Rockin' Rodeo withdrawl?

One man, one mic

Meet Trevor Carey, the conservative who will probably cheese you off, but not in a way you expected.

So, I got my interview with KERN News Talk 1410's latest addition, Trevor Carey, and my hypothesis was somewhat correct on how someone who used to push raunchy rap CDs ended up a conservative talk show host. It was his 8-year-old son looking at some CDs record labels had sent him to promote, then feeling dirty because he knew he didn't want his son listening to it.

Then he realized he was mad and was tired of just being one man yelling at his TV or radio. No. He wanted to be one man yelling into one microphone about the evils and ills of the world. But don't let the smooth taste fool you. Trevor's a conservative who loves God, family, America and Sam Lyn Ballpark, but he's also against the war in Iraq and thinks George W. Bush and his administration are "inherently evil." He claims he didn't leave the Republican party, they left him, but he says he is not a liberal or a Democrat. He's playing on his own team. The team of angry, jaded conservatives.

"Some might call it a conspiracy theory but once you present the facts it's no longer a conspiracy," Carey said. "America needs to wake up to this unjust war. To realize the Patriot Act is a complete invasion of the constitution. I feel that we owe it to the next generation to wake up."


Radio killed the music career -- Carey got out of the rap promoting game and stepped into the talk radio arena. Which will get more gnarly?

Carey said his show is going to be rapid fire with a strong, musical element. The show will also be about "the listener." Although Carey's a personality, he knows it's really the audience that makes the show.

"It's called talk radio, not listen radio," Carey said. "I want people to talk and I will listen. I won't hang up on you. I won't call you a name unless you deserve it. Unless yuo talk bad about my momma."

Carey and I talked quite a bit about hip hop and rap music. Suge Knight. The Last Temptation of MC Hammer known as "Pumps N A Bump." Angry violent rappers letting loose bags of rats and snakes in a record label office. Driving the Bone Thugs around high as hell, smoking weed in the back of the van. Record label folks getting beat up by rappers. Hoo-boy. He could write a book. He also writes screenplays. He's a clever dude.

He joked that he contributed to the corruption of my little sister and myself since we were totally listening to Bone Thugs-N-Harmony in 1996 when he helped them reach number one on the Billboard charts as the leader of their record promotion team through Sony's Relativity Records label. Other than warping my fragile little mind as a teen, Carey seemed like a funny, smart guy over the phone. It'll be interesting to see how Bakersfield takes the former music industry insider.

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Read more about Trevor in tomorrow's Californian.

Six Degrees of Thug Seperation

New local late night talk show host Trevor Carey helped my little sister's favorite band crossover into the mainstream. Now he's going to be a conservative talk show host for KERN 1410. That's some crazy turnaround, man.

***UPDATE: Read about my interview with him here.***


1990s rap act Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

We all have a past and KERN's latest edition's past is damn fascinating to me. His name is Trevor Carey and he's going to be doing an all-local late night talk show for the popular radio talk station starting Oct. 3rd, 9 p.m. to midnight. But what makes the man FASCINATING is not only has he worked in radio for more than 20 years, he was partly responsible for the success of none other than the 1990s hit rap act Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

Bone Thugs, people. BONE THUGS! You remember them, right? They wrote the Welfare Check Christmas Carol "1st of Da Month" and were discovered by the dead rap legend Eazy-E. Back in the day when "The Box" video access channel was still on the air, Eazy's folks at Ruthless Records used to engage in a processes called "Jackin' the Box" where they dialed in Bone Thugs' video "Thuggish Ruggish Bone" over and over, paying the few dollars it cost to request a video. The song became a hit, but Bone Thugs still weren't quite mainstream until Sony and a man named Carey got into their lives.


Shower caps, braids and afros -- Bone Thug hair fashion.

The year was 1996 and the song was "Tha Crossroads." It took them from Eazy-E's urban proteges to MTV all-stars. My little sister had been a fan since the outset, but you just don't go mainstream on accident. Not when half your songs are about selling drugs and the other half are about killing people. (The murderous, drug-selling "For the Love of Money" was my fav Bone Thugs song. On the track, Eazy has a guest spot rapping about stashing a bag of crack rock while on the run from the po-po). To get into every household in America, that took someone with some edge and who was the man behind the promotion team at Sony's Relativity Recordings label that gave them the extra push they needed? Ridgecrest's own, Trevor Carey.


My little sister totally had a crush on one of these guys. I can't remember who. Which ever one is the "pretty" bone. Youknowwhaimsayin'?

Carey also spearheaded DOM: Detections of Music, a company that marketed to record label artists to radio stations nationally. He also got involved in distrubuting music over the internet. But I can't get over the Bone connection. One -- it's hella random. Two -- Carey's being pubbed as a "passionate conservative." Dude, Bob Dole, George's I and II, even Bill Clinton did not like the rap music. Tipper Gore tried to censor the rap music. Politicians hate the rap music. It's like a rule or something. Run for office, hate rap music. But this man helped Bone go mainstream -- a hardcore, gangsta rap group. And Bone blew up big time after "Tha Crossroads." They were legit and they were everywhere. Heck. I think I own a cassette tape somewhere, but what happened where Trevor went from rap pusher to conservative talks show host? There's a story there and I want it.

The KERN press release alludes that Carey had that same moment of conscious crisis many have had in their lives. The release says "Mr. Carey walked away from every client after coming to a 'crossroads' in his life, refusing any longer to promote music to other people's children to which he wouldn't let his own children listen."

Simply amazing. But I have to know more. I mean, for me my moment was the Death Row produced song "It Ain't No Fun (If the Homies Can't Have None)" which is probably the most cheerily profane song ever made in the history of rap music in its vulgarity towards women. The song is down right hateful, but it is the catchest thing in the world. Did Trevor see some six-year-old happily bobbing their head to lyrics like ... well, I can't even write the lyrics on my blog. When they play it on the radio it ends up coming off like Mad Libs. But did Trevor see a kid and go "whoa, I want to get paid but not like this!"

So naturally, I need to know more and when I know more, you will know more about this radio man.

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But until then I get the dirt what do you think? How do you go from rap pusher to conservative jock? Theories anyone? Ideas? Anyone planning on checking out his show. I think I might and I loathe talk radio. But the dude just sounds interesting ...

Please don't talk about love tonight

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm just not that into you."

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
Self-help books

You know? I'm just not into that saying "He's just not that into you." I have decided it is dead to me. It's overused. It's trite. It's dead.

It was dead when I watched Oprah a few months back and the co-author of "He's Just Not That Into You," commedian Greg Brehrent was on, shouting it at poor, clueless women who were sadly clinging to craptacular relationships. And the audience would shout back at them in unison, with Oprah, "He's Just Not That Into You."

I wanted to shout to Stedman and tell him that about Oprah since, um, she ain't marrying the man so if he's waiting on some wedding bells he better recognize he'll be forever a groomsman, never a groom. But he's with Oprah. He's made for life. He's long since been cool with it.

But I'm sick of these books.

Behrendt has a new book now. It was sent to me at work. It's got a cute title just like the one before and he wrote it with his wife. Entitled "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy."

Uh huh. Cutesy. First you write the book about getting women to dump their lousey boyfriends then BAM, a book to help them through the break up, co-written by Behrendt's wife Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. Genius! Sheer genius! I'm sure it'll make a mint. Hooray for the Behrendts. Boo for when people start shouting at each other ...


"Barbie," he said. "It's called a 'breakup' because it's broken. Mmmkay?"

I'm sick of cleverly titled, love self-help books. I dont' want my love life reduced to a clever catchphrase. I don't want to be from frickin' Venus and Mars. I don't want to read anything titled "The Bad Girl's Guide to Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't Care." I don't care. I don't think they help. I don't want to read that "down low" book so I can become eternally suspicious that ever black man I meet is secretly gay. Black men have enough problems. They don't need me going "Danielle Belton: Heterosexual Detective" on their asses. Stop the paranoia people. Stop the presses. Let's not talk about love tonight. Let's not talk about being in love or being into people or not being into people. Can't people just frickin' date or not date and not have a plethora of "Romance for Dummies" books running around mitigating every move of our love lives?

I don't know. Maybe some of us are clueless. Maybe we need a good smack in the old craw with a self-help book. I just know that I'm single and some book isn't going to fix that. The book will cause me to lose about twenty dollars and some change, but it isn't going to make me better looking, thinner or more attractive to the opposite sex. I don't need to be empowered. I don't need a TV make over show. I don't need to be told I'm a "superfox," as the Behrendts book tells me I am. I am not a superfox.

I'm a grown-ass woman.

I guess I want these books to come to me in that matter. I'm not a "girl." I haven't been a "girl" since I was 21. Sure, I'm young, but to me "girl" is synonymous with "young clueless dolt" in these books. Like I said, maybe some of us need to have it spelled out for us. But I don't. I can take the ugly truth. Let's bring it on. Let's write some books about that. Books like ...

"You're Doomed: The Guide to Getting Screwed Over and Recovering"

"Divorce: It's Not Just For Married People Anymore"

"Are You Crazy?: An Easy Guide to Find Out If It Is, After All, Really You Who Is the Cause of All Your Problems"

"It's Called A Marriage Because We're Freakin' Married: A Guide On Explaining the Rules of Matrimony to Your Spouse."

"Mousey Clueless Dolts and Other People You Should Avoid."

And my personal favorite ...

"Don't Read This Cutely Titled Self-Help Book: It Won't Really Help You."

So no matter how rough it is, to me, please don't talk about love tonight. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to worry about it. I don't want to read about it. Give me the nightlife. I'd rather boogie on the disco round.

Someone please buy the critic a drink ...

It's weird to write about bars for a living when ... um ... I'm actually not that big on most bars. That's why my bar reviews tend to be so diplomatic. One man's dive is another man's Club Paradise. But there are bars I actually do like and hang out in frequently on my own accord and not on the company's dime.


Azul, 1514 Wall St. Alley

Azul (Wall Street Alley): My friend AJ of Gigantic Vintage/Soulsteppers/Mod dressing fame DJays there some nights, they have indie rock bands and pretty much only have beer, but it's a wide beer selection. Yeah for beer. Plus the owner is nice, the atomosphere is nice and I actually like it better than the place that used to be where Azul is now -- Paco's Tacos.

Mama Roombas (Wall Street Alley and Eye Streets): I've already been there at least 10 times and it's only been open a little more than a month. I need to start pacing myself but I love the chef and I love Victor and I love the servers and I love the bartender. I love the way the place is decorated. I love the food. Damn those empanadas are good. I already announced my intensions to marry the place and have it's hot chile flavored babies, so ... um ... I guess I like it there.

Syndicate Lounge (Eye Street): Cigars? Coffee? Beer? Wine? Who put all my vices in one tiny place? (Soon to be one big, cool ass place.) I like the Syndicate because I like the owner. I like the high class atomosphere. I like the hot dogs she serves at lunch. I like the smoker's lounge area because it's super secret and cool and she let me get a sneak peak of the expansion and, man, that place is going to be one hot bar when it finally opens. It looks great already.

Hmm ... notice how my three favorite places are all within staggering distance of each other? Coincidence I say!

Oh, and I love ...


Shake it, baby! Shake it at Xanders!

Xander's Grill (19th Street, east of Chester Ave.): They have a bar in their basement and it is ultra cool. It can get a little pricy in Xander's but I've made some good memories at that place and it hasn't even been open that long. Plus you can dance and there's no cover charge.

If I had my way I would just review these four bars over and over (along with Gumbeaux's, Fishlips which I've chatted about before and Shogun -- man, I love Shogun. That sushi chef lady is crazy!) But those are the places I like. Where do you like to get a little drinky poo?

And for no reason at all ...

C'mon in to "My Space."

I have a MySpace account. As if you could take anymore of me. Be my buddy at www.myspace.com/daniellebelton.

The look on his face says it all

Dean Florez and Vince Vaughn — together at last ...

Here's the press release the senator's office sent on why they gave Vince a resolution:

BAKERSFIELD -- Bakersfield welcomed Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show to town Thursday night, and Senator Dean Florez was on hand to honor the actor and comedian for his many contributions, both in entertainment and to the community. 
 
Florez, D-Shafter, presented Vaughn with a resolution highlighting his many accomplishments in the entertainment field, from crashing weddings to cartwheeling through casinos, and praising his lesser-publicized charitable works. 
 
The framed Senate Resolution commended Vaughn for his visits to troops in the Middle East, as well as for his contributions to the Children’s Defense Fund, Smile Train, Cure Autism Now, UNICEF and Army Emergency Relief, an organization that helps those who have lost a spouse while on active duty for the armed services.   
 
Vaughn, who has starred in such hits as Wedding Crashers, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, and Swingers, was in Bakersfield to perform as part of his national “30 Days & 30 Nights – Hollywood to the Heartland” comedy tour.
 

Waiting for Vince

Comics (left to right) Sebastian Maniscalco, Bret Ernst, Ahmed Ahmed and John Caparulo

Last night I didn't get any sleep at all because I was at the after party to the comedy show. Want to know what happened? Read on, my friends.

BAR STORY: Waiting for Godot

So tired, tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for you ....

The Scene: 5:15 p.m., the Fox Theater, the gravely back alley near the tour buses.

I was tired. I was exhausted yet I was stalking. Skulking even, chatting up the back security guard. I didn’t know why I was doing it. Searching for my one press contact at the Fox Theater. Using every avenue, every trick in my reporter book in hopes to actually meet actor Vince Vaughn.

It just isn’t every day a celebrity with that much heat floats into town. Star of “Old School,” “Swingers,” “Dodgeball” and the summer hit “Wedding Crashers.” The same guy the paparazzi wants to hook a Brad Pitt free Jennifer Aniston with.

Everyone wants a piece of Vince nowadays. I just wanted a handshake. I’d interviewed him over the phone and for once I was determined to actually meet the person.

It was strange. I didn’t want to meet Jewel or Cyndi Lauper or most of the singers I’d interviewed, but I wanted to meet the 6’5” actor and introduce myself. So there I was in the back alley with the security detail three hours before the show looking for my friend and the Fox Theater’s “Miss Everything” Ashley Bretz.

Ashley had already met Vince and the four comics, Bret Ernst, Sebastian Maniscalco, John Caparulo and Ahmed Ahmed. She’d been driving them around all day. At 5 p.m. she wasn’t at the Fox, she was at her house getting ready for tonight.

“What can I get for you, honey. Tell me quick,” she said as I imagined her searching for the perfect outfit that would allow for high fashion and high comfort at the same time.
My concern was over my tickets. I didn’t know if they’d be there. I’d been playing phone tag with the show’s organizer John Pisani for days, but the Ash assured me they’d be there. She’d make sure of it. I was secure.

So, with that knowledge in tact, I began to leave only to see a limo pull up. Still on the phone with Ash, I decided there was no way I was leaving without seeing who was in that limo so I followed it around until it parked at the Fox. I waited a few moments, then got in my car and drove around only to see a t-shirt and shorts clad Vaughn chatting on a cell phone in front of the dry cleaners next to the Fox.

“Oh, there’s Vince now,” I said. “He’s in the dry cleaners parking lot on a cell phone.”

“He’s at the Crystal Palace. They took them there.”

“But I’m looking at him right now,” I said. “He’s at the dry cleaners next to the Fox. He’s in shorts and a T-shirt.”

“He’s at the Crystal Palace,” repeated Ash who I think at this point was so hurried she wasn’t quite listening to me.

He was THERE. In the LOT. On this CELL PHONE.

Part of me wanted to say hi then, but I just drove on past. I’m a professional after all, we should be introduced like civilized people. Besides. The man was on the phone. I hate being interrupted when I’m on the phone.

The Scene: 7:30 p.m., the Fox Theater, “Where’s Jen?”

Hating to go to shows alone, my companion this time around was our internet content editor and my friend Jennifer Baldwin.

Jen is always up for anything. She sweated out Chris Isaac with me at the Fox when the air conditioning broke. We’ve gone to the Street Faire together. We saw Cher together. She’s been my bar hopping companion. She knows the words to songs but not the names.

Great girl.

But still, I never lost my focus. My eyes were on the prize.

When he strutted across that stage around 8:30 p.m like a country western-lovin’ Dean Martin four blondes sitting in front of me screamed, “Vince you’re so hot!”

There was a lot of that.

There was also a lot of “I love yous” to which he’d always reply - “I love you more, baby. I love you more.”

There was also some rudeness. A few shouted Brad Pitt slam that Vince handled with class. Said Pitt was a great guy, moved on.

Rumors were flying all night that Jennifer Aniston was there. People said they saw her security detail, but no one actually saw Aniston, she being like the last unicorn of paparazzo’s dreams of late. Who doesn’t want to see Aniston? If she was there I didn’t blame her for hiding. Even though Bakersfield’s hardly a paparazzi town, as there were none at the show, gossip travels quickly.

They’re just friends, we’ve been told over and over. OK. Fine. I’ll bite. I’ll tow that line. Sounds like fun.

They’re just friends, people. They filmed a movie together. Besides, he’d have to give up the hundreds of hot, drunk women of Bakersfield who came to the show just to scream “I love you, Vince” over and over. How can he give up that?

I know the four other comics don’t want to give that up. Bret Ernst is drinking a beer on stage. That’s how he’s living.

The Scene: 11:29 p.m., The After-party, Buck Owens Crystal Palace

For me, now I’m officially off the clock. Everything after this point is about my desire to shake a man’s hand. The Crystal Palace is the designated party stop and I, along with about a hundred other folks, want to be there.

But it’s late. The band is tired and no one knows if anyone is going to show.

I was hanging out with teacher and local actress Jenna Widelock and there was a girl in the bathroom waiting “for Vince.”

When all the comics did arrive without him it became obvious that he was sitting out the fun this evening, leaving Vaughn groupies to bargain with his crew over the next move.

“What do I have to do to get on that bus,” one girl asked.

She was drunk. Maniscalco, who she was begging to laughed and pointed to his friend’s hand-held digital organizer.

“You need one of those,” he said.

The band was ordered to get back on stage and they played a few more songs before the Palace decided even they’d had enough.

It was now up to Joe, a local promoter, to keep the partying going.

“Let’s go to RJ’s!”

Joe was chatting me up. Mostly about events they were hosting and how we needed to do lunch at Luigi’s. We needed to know each other better. We needed to be friends. He was a little drunk, but I agreed, lunch would be good. But RJ’s?

“What’s RJ’s?” Sebastian asked me.

“It’s horrible,” I said.

Of course we all went anyway.

After midnight, RJ’s bar, Ahmed is my new best friend

All night people kept introducing me to Ahmed even though I’d introduced myself to him at the show when he was signing CDs of his stand up. But at this point Ahmed had decided we were friends.

“You’re a great writer. That story you wrote was fantastic,” he said.

“You’re a great comic. You were so funny,” I said.

And that was the extent of the conversation over and over again.

The comics danced and drank and danced and drank and Ahmed gave me his phone number. But no Vince. No handshake. Not even a sighting of Jennifer Aniston’s alleged security detail.

Bummers.

The Scene: 1 a.m., RJ’s in Rosedale after the Vince Vaughn Wild West Comedy Show

Comic Ahmed Ahmed is drunkenly giving me his phone number. I don’t know why.

Here I am. It’s past 1 a.m. on a Thursday night. He’s already bought me a screwdriver and asked me to do a shot with him and he’s bought half the bar drinks shouting, “I got this! I got all this!” in reference to fellow comic Bret Ernst earlier schtick about Italians and a stereotype that involves the need to buy everyone drinks.

But Ahmed’s asking me to follow him to a less crowded spot so he can give me the number. Somehow between the Vince Vaughn Wild West Comedy Show, the after-party at the Crystal Palace and the after-after-party at RJ’s we’ve created an insta-bond.

Or at least he has.

“Take down my cell number! This is the number to the bat phone!”

He literally has no reason to give me his number. We had a great chat. I told him he was funny. He told me I was a great writer. We bonded over liquor and his urge to throttle a man at RJ’s who’s butt kept touching his. We had our arms around each other, but in a warm, friendly, reporter and drunk subject way.

“You’ve got to stay in touch!”

I smile. I program the number in my cell phone and I know he means nothing of this. He will not even remember most of this evening in the morning. He is high on life and liquor right now. He just had a great show and a short pretty brunette is giving him a heavy amount of attention. A matter of fact, half the girls in RJ’s are giving him and fellow comics Bret Ernst, Sebastian Maniscalco and John Caparulo some major love.

In some cases, too much love.

As Maniscalco danced with a drunk girl he was busy looking at his phone text messaging someone. I smiled at Maniscalco as I waved good-bye. He smiled and rolled his eyes. To the girl, I was invisible.

She was in thrall, clinging to the closest thing to Vince Vaughn she was going to get.

And I was heading out the door with Ahmed Ahmed’s phone number.

And that was the closest I was going to get.

fin.

I Took My Neighbors to Brews In the Village And All I Got Was A Bunch of Pictures, Pt. 2

Is that Paris Hilton? God no. She's much better looking. I don't know this gal's name but I loved her cowboy boots.

Pt. 2 "Parade of people and fashions"

I saw a lot of friendsa and a lot of great/outrageous/crazy outfits at the Brews in the Villiage. Here are the people, places and things I saw fit to pick up the ol' camera and point n' click.


Krab Radio's Rocky Nash and her hubby always look fly.


Katie Raih, 25, who had on my favorite "high fashion" outfit. The shirt's from Australia, the boots are from Indianapolis. The bage is 9 West. The jeans are 7evens. And (honesty is the best policy) the shades are from a 7-11 gas station. Way to look fake famous, Katie!


I didn't get their names but they're one "White hot couple!"


Miss Butterfly top and Mr. Hat: Chanda & Daniel


My friend Tyson O'Brien -- musician, actor, car salesman. Son of local jazz musician Tony O' Brien.


I can't remember her name, but she's nice and cute and works at Tangerine.


KUZZ sponsored band.


Super cool black dude with a mohawk in the country band.


"Drunk guys! Title this picture 'Drunk Guys!'"


Danielle R. the actress; not Danielle B. the writer.


My fake mom Rosemary, Tony O'Brien's wife.


Limoscene guy Jim (right), the Fire Chief and their wives.

I Took My Neighbors to Brews In the Village And All I Got Was A Bunch of Pictures, Pt. 1

Saucy!

Pt. 1 "Don't Feed the Bears"

As many avid Danielle Belton readers know, I live downtown. My neighbors are two sweet, beer loving urban bears Yogi and Bam Bam. Yogi is the oldest and his little bro' who's actually taller than him is Bam Bam. Yogi and Bam Bam love beer -- a lot. So when I offered Yogi a coveted VIP pass to Brews with me as part of my one person entourage he forked over $20 to go halvsies on the $45 it takes to get into Brews In the Village Saturday with his little brother so he could come too.

Naturally, I was happy. Then they got wasted on me and started slap boxking, but more on that later.


Yogi hurt his lower paw a while back so he had to wear the big white shoes. Later, a beer charged Bam Bam would help him re-injure it at the Brews.

The bears were pretty exciting about going out as we always make plans to do things but never seem to get together. This was one of those rare moments when all the starts were alined in Yogi's favor, hence insuring that he would A) get wasted, so wasted it was sick and B) have a good time. Bam Bam's motives were to look nice and to avoid my camera. He gets a point for wearing a pink shirt, hence proving his manhood.


Bam Bam's pink shirt cannot hide from my camera.

Since Yogi and I were VIPs we were whisked quickly through the gate while poor Bam Bam had to wait in line with the other non-VIPs. While we dined on sandwiches from Urners and watched Budweiser Select people toss beads into the crowd Bam Bam was back there in line with a gazillion other people, desperate for that sweet, sweet beer.


Give us your beads but not your beer! We have Budweiser at home. We're all here for the Blue Moon and Old River.

Being a VIP did strange things to the Yogi. Being Fake Famous I'm used to paparazzi, receiving phone calls from Vince Vaughn and having all of Cyndi Lauper's cell phone numbers. But this star treatment was new to the Yogster, so he was prone to shouting, "Hide the money, ya'll! There's poor people around!" to which I only found mildly embarassing. But, um, they're bears. They don't get out much. But they do watch a lot of Dave Chappelle.


Although Yogi and Bam Bam ran into a lot of friends occassionally Yogi, after enough beer, would pretend to know people I knew. Like Danielle R. The other Danielle who's Fake Famous and does theater locally. She's the blonde.

Since Yogi and Bam Bam are basically bears they went straight for as much beer and food a bear could eat, which is a lot. They often wandered off (as bears do) and even danced. And who doesn't love dancing bears? Yogi found himself meeting dignitaries like Fake Famous DJ Rocky Nash from KRAB and the fire chief, Limoscene Guy, people I knew that he fast made his friends, while wasted.

Once the night was through, I tricked the boys into leave early at, gasp, 9:30 (Brews started at 6 p.m. and ended at 10.) They wanted to stay forever with the sea of fake boobs and pretty girls and beer and all. Plus, Yogi was a VIP. He was king of the world, until he and his brother turned into Whitney and Bobby, started slap boxing and Bam Bam pinned him to the ground, reinjuring Yogi's foot.

Needless to say, Yogi was pissed. Drunk and pissed.

But he got over it. Both boys got home all right and my commemorative glass got broken. And I almost wanted to kill them both for being, well, drunk and shouting "Hide the money, ya'll" around actual people with money, but I loved them too much to care. How can you hate a bear for being a bear?

But Bam Bam totally threw up when he got home and it was so funny it was sick. Yogi and I laughed and laughed and laughed. Then we ran off to play pranks on park rangers ...

American Idol Review

The Kimster is this guy's biggest fan ...

Sorry! Totally forgot to post this. A reader reviewed an AI concert. Here's the lowdown fresh from Kimberly:

Jessica Sierra kicked the show off, and by her vocal performance many would wonder why she was voted off so prematurely. She was followed up Anwar Robinson, who's voice is equally strong but, like his performances on the show, he failed to truely capture the audience.

Third on stage was who I personally, and from the cheers of the crowd many others, were looking forward to the most...Constantine Maroulis. I'm still pondering why they gave the most dynamic performer such a lousy spot in the line up, but despite that Constantine delivered as always. He rocked out on Hard To Handle, crooned his way though My
Funny Valentine, and belted out his best song from the show, Bohemian Rhapsody. He always sounds awesome on that song, and tonight wasn't an exception. I'm not sure how many people know about this, but the band Queen recently released a tribute album called Killer Queen and Constantine sings the lead on this song. As for his live performance, the crowd really loved him and responded to him well.

I'd been nervous about Nikko Smith, who followed Constantine, because as we witnessed that is not an easy act to follow. But Nikko handled it like a pro and danced his way through Justin Timberlake's "Like I Love You". Usher, watch out.

After two high energy sets, Scott Savol took things down a notch. He has a very rich voice, but his song choices weren't inspiring. However, there was a bright spot when he brought Jessica Sierra out to sing Total Eclipse of the Heart. The chemistry between the two was
amazing.

Nadia Turner closed out the first half. Her hair was big, her skirt was short and her make up was bold. The girl looked amazing and had tons of energy. She put on a good show, though it reminded me more of a Tina Turner impersonator in a Los Vegas review, than an American Idol concert.

After a 30 minute intermission, Anwar Robinson came back onstage and accompanied himself on piano singing Superstition. About halfway through Vonzell Solomon came in, looking gorgeous in a bright yellow dress, and instantly brightened up the whole number. She sang Alicia Key's Karma, as well as I Have Nothing, which sounded amazing.

Anthony Federov came out next. His voice is beautiful singing ballads, but unfortunetly these aren't the type of tunes that hold an audience's interest at a concert. His set was pretty boring until he sang in spanish for the very first time, and it was beautiful. He
followed that up by singing a Marc Anthony hit that had everyone on their feet dancing.

The runner up Bo Bice, appropriately performed second to last. As some may know, the very next day he was rushed to the hospital to have emergency surgery, which had nothing to do with the injury to his foot that occured earlier on in the tour. I'm not sure if he was sick at the time, but I wouldn't be surprised because his performance was not
up to par. I never particularly enjoyed him, but I've seen him put on an engaging and elecrtic performance, and on this night he wasn't nearly up to par. But it still amazes me how he manages to take songs from any genre and make them all sound the same.

Performing last was winner Carrie Underwood, who surprisingly enough didn't recieve nearly as many cheers as Bo Bice. Out of everyone in the group she surprised me the most. No longer was she emotionless with "deer in headlight" type facial expressions. She worked the stage, connected with the audienced, and delivered vocally. Hers was
one of the most entertaining sets of the night, and anyone who can get me dancing to country music deserves a medal.

This is the second year I've been to an American Idol concert, and the thing I love the most is seeing how the contestants have grown. That can be said about everyone who was on stage that night. Despite the superiority of talent this season, I can't say that this show was better than last year's. However, there were several highlights, which included Constantine Maroulis singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", Scott Savol and Jessica Sierra's duet on "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and Carrie Underwoods rendition of "Indepedance Day."

Hide the money, ya'll!

"There's poor people around!" — yelled my friends Drew and Kael the whole time we were out at Brews in the Village



Question: What did Danielle do over the past week?
A. Talk to Vince Vaughn and love it
B. Wrangle two drunk friends through Brews In the Village
C. Finish a screenplay
D. Eat a really big salad
E. Work yet another weekend shift
F. All of the above

It's totally "F," people. Last week was off the chain! Read Vince here! More coming! Keep your eye on the Belton, including a new "Bar Story" featuring Brews and Shogun's.

Hair story

Well, I've come to a decision about my hair and despite the fact that I can't roll incognegro anywhere with my look, the afro will stay as it, apparently, has become larger than myself. One look at the hair and the secret is out. So ...



The afro lives on ...


Ain't I a stinker?

My fake big sister

The M. Tizzle by moi

Word to the M. Tizzle who just started back at skizzool in sizzisminary.

Trashy things I love

He used to be so dirty. So nasty! Prince wearing what I affectionately call "manties" during his trashy years. God. He was booed off so many stages. Sigh.

As someone who constantly writes about what I love and what I hate sometimes I feel like just writing about the things I like that are utter trash.

I admit they are trash. Trash that I must buy, watch, read or see. I cannot help myself. Be appalled by my bad taste. It doesn't just start with Hall & Oates. There's a whole mountain underneath that molehill, baby ...

1. Prince in "manties" — those would be "man panties." One of my friends calls him a "nasty, hairy little man." I'll cut her some slack. She's totally a lesbian. No seriously. She's a lesbian.

2. America's Next Top Model: It had me from "haute corture" or "hoochie mama." Both work for me as this show inspires both.

3. Hip hop movies from the 1990s: I own a collection on VHS for authenticity. And out of not wanting to order a DVD edition of "Sprung."

4. The Films of Paul Verhooven: I get it. He's a violent pornographer, but I really like RoboCop, Starship Troopers and Total Recall. I even like Basic Instinct. And dare I say it ... Showgirls ... his films never try to be anything other than what they are — violent and entertaining.

5. Hairy men. But not too hairy. Just a little hairy, (Re: Prince). But no manties. (Re: Prince) Only the purple one can pull that look off ...

What's utter crap that you love? I'll admit that I own two N*Sync albums and secretly love Justin Timberlake. That I have Prince's cover on Entertainment Weekly on my desk. That I eat $1 frozen pizzas.

How about you?

Guess who ...

Got stuck working Labor Day weekend?????



The paper must GO ON!

It's time for ...

FALL ....





AND ....



HOLIDAY ....





FASHION!.







All these pictures are from 2004 with me consulting and Felix Adamo directing and photographing the models/ballerinas. It was hard work but the results were amazing. I'm hoping we can keep the magic going for this shopping season. I love high fashion spreads and to me, these two and my most recent one (the summer fashion one) have been the best thus far. Although "ballet holiday fantasy" was, by far, the best artistically. I mean, we had frickin' ballerinas in toe shoes doing pointe in party dresses. It was magazine worthy ...

I love doing our big fancy schmancy fashion spreads and this year I have a little helper in the form of Louis.


College student, fashion lover and hopefully my fashion shoot dresser — Louie

He has some great ideas for fall fashion as our dresser for the shoot. When he gets back from Hawaii we're going to hit the stores and find those looks that will be haute, hot, hot for fall.

Fashion — I love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. I hope you guys love it too. If not, I'll eventually go back to talking about music and theater. But let's spend a moment to give some love to the world of fashion — I can't afford you, but I adore you.


All pictures by Felix Adamo, The Bakesfield Californian, 2004; Models are Jadis Santiago (top two) and Aliina Johnson; ballerinas Juliet Escalante (brunette) and Wyndi Balden (blonde)