The boot that uglified the world

I'm going on the record with this and you can quote me people. This boot is ugly and it must be stopped.



It's from Mervyn's holiday collection. First Uggs, the Mukaluks, now this. The uglification of winter footwear is driving me mad, people! This so called "Canada" boot is not cute! On anyone! That inlcudes you too, Mary Kate and Ashley Olson. UGLY! And we're in frickin' California, people! Who NEEDS this boot? I've worn flip flops in friggin' JANUARY! ARRRRGGGGGGGHHH!

Fashion, Rock 'n' Roll and David Zent gone from the Gaslight Melodrama

An afternoon stroll ... for fashion.


It's a day of fashion between fake girlfriend Wyndi (who's a married college student) and fake boyfriend Mike (who's real girlfriend was there the whole shoot). But don't they look so cute together! (Photo by John Harte, The Californian)

My fall fashion spread, with concepts and outfits picked by aspiring fashion maestro (and Casablanca DJ) Luis!, is slated to run Nov. 6 in The Californian, featuring a picture story of Wyndi, a local ballerina I used last year for our holiday fashion shoot and Mike, who's with the McCright Agency.


She ain't no hollaback girl.

IN OTHER NEWS: Who isn't coming ot Bakersfield in November? Rob Thomas, Earth Wind and Fire, Gwen Stefani, Jerry Seinfeld, Staind, P.O.D. and George Lopez are all stopping by next month ... The Syndicate on Eye Street is having its grand re-opening Oct. 28 with its new addition. I've already caught a glimpse of the gorgeous bar and that saltwater fishtank. Renee knows what she's doing, man. That place is going to be ... ahem ... off la chain ... Word on the street is local thesp David Zent was fired/let go/quit/walked away from the new Gaslight Melodrama in Rosedale. Rumor has it creative differences killed it. Either way, the Gaslight lives on. Zent's son-in-law Hal Friedman is directing David's production of Zorro which is now playing at the theater. I've also heard that David is looking to put together his Christmas show at the Best Western Hill House. What have you folks heard about David leaving?

The Good Life

Me, photo intern Sarah Gettys and my friends AJ and Alex Nunez got to ride around in a limo and go to bars and clubs for a story. Sarah took some amazing pictures.


"I think we should become rock stars," said Alex.


"I hope I don't get punched," said AJ as we pulled up to Chuy's.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. My job is weird. You can read about our adventure in absurdity in Thursday's entertainment section.

Jon Coley: The Kerouac of Kmart

Why has this local man been dubbed with this title?

Because he asked me, very nicely, to start referring to him as that. For those who don't know, Jon Coley is the promoter at Jerry's Pizza & Pub. I stopped by there for a story Saturday night after going to the symphony orchestra (which was great. Bravo, John Farrer & Co.!). While I was there Jon and I chatted about the newspaper business and I got to check out The Ettes, a band out of LA who are ... fantastic. They were totally 80s in a good, hot n' dirty Detroit rock way. And the drumer had Sheila E.'s hair, circa 1984.



How cool is that? Totally makes me want to dump the 'fro and break out the perm rods. Although they're supposed to be a girl band and totally had some dude playing bass, they were still hot as hell. I've been listening to their CD all day at work. I love every track.



The Ettes are hot! Love 'em!

The Mack Will Set You Free!

This is almost better than my flyer with the breakdancing Star Wars figurines.

Read about the flyer (and why this is so darn funny) in tomorrow's Californian.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Last weekend on Oct. 8 I celebrated my 28th birthday with friends at Mama Roomba on Wall and Eye Streets. Nick Belardes was there, had a camera and it was passed around. Here are the results.


Hey, hey, the gangs all here. Moi is the one waving. Starting with the fellow in the cap, that's Drew aka Bam Bam, his bro Cale aka Yogi, me and Mimi Dorsey is engrossed in some conversation because she's not looking up. The fellow with the long hair is the ActionFolkSinger himself, Enrique Acosta, sitting next to Christine Peterson, then David Burger, Gretchen Wenner and James Burger.


Cale and Drew.


Me looking like I'm going to slap Mimi over some fried calamari, but I'm not. I think I'm just eating.


Something's funny. I don't remember what.


Eating. We did a lot of eating.


And drinking ...


Local actress Monique Gomez stopped by to eat and make faces at the camera.


Mimi Dorsey tosses back a smile while everyone else goes, "mmm ... food."


And look, it's Nick Belardes.


And finally a blurry picture of me.

Potato Power! Um ... OK?

US potato farmers, so desperate to fight back that low carb fad that is soooo 2004 have enlisted the help of a famous potato to be their spokespud.


Meet Healthy Mr. Potato Head.

He's just like regular Mr. Potato Head only he runs, comes with rollerblades and carries a sports bottle. He also has little spud muscles to show that he does a body good. Oh wait, that's a different ad campaign.

Why, oh why to marketing folk send me these things? Oh. That's right. So I can make fun of them.

Potato Power!

Cause You Can't See Faces On the Radio! Part 2

More faces! More jocks! More radio fun! You listen to them everyday. You love them. You hate them. Here's your Bakersfield DJ boys and girls! Nothing but music folks this time, guys. No talk show hosts. More on them some other time. Or if Inga sends me a bigger, blonder picture.

RANDY, HOT 94.1 FM, 2 P.M. TO 6 P.M.

Hey man, wanna buy a monkey?

RACHEL, 98.5 FM THE FOX, 10 A.M. TO 3 P.M.

Isn't she just the cutest girl-next-door type?

KENN AND LARAE, THE BIG SHOW ON KBKO 96.5 FM IN THE MORNINGS

They're on Bakersfield's other country station and they will not be denined! Don't you deny them!

DON DE LA CRUZ, THE FOX 98.5 FM, 3 P.M. TO 7 P.M.

Insert your own cutline here. What do you think is going on with Don?

DEAN AND RACHEL IN THE MORNINGS, 101.5 KGFM

I've interviewed them both before and they're cool people. Plus, I need my soft rock talk. Keeps me from killing people.

ROMEO IN THE MORNING, HOT 94.1 FM

I don't know if there's another morning jock out there who doesn't inspire more love/hate and encourages said love/hate. It's fascinating to listen to.

CHRISTINA MARTINEZ IN THE MORNING, THE GROOVE 99.3

This is actually one of my favorite stations in town because I love some old soul. And Christina just sounds so chipper at 6 a.m.! I, alas, do not.

STEVE KING, THE FOX 98.5 FM, MIDNIGHT TO 5 A.M.

And you can't see his face on the blog either! Steve is a man, a myth and he doesn't want you to see his face!

------------------
I'm going to keep looking for more DJs! Is there someone you want to see? Just post a comment below!

Because someone asked ...

More faces from radio ... or in this case, just a better picture ...


Here's a bigger and better picture of Kelly 95.3 FM's Partyboy Bueller, who I, for the record, think is cute. For the anonymous poster who asked, according to Partyboy's MySpace page he is totally in a relationship. Sorry, ladies. But you can still listen to him on Kelly in the evenings after 7 p.m. until midnight.

Oh, and here's a picture of Kelly's morning show folks from LA, all three of them -- Jack, Jamie White and Stench.


Jamie White recently announced that she's pregnant. (With a "little bastard" as she kept saying over and over this morning on the radio.) Congrats, Jamie! Good luck with motherhood.

Fiona, Interrupted

A "Better Version of" her?

Sony finally released Fiona Apple's album, "Extraordinary Machine." Of course, they didn't releases the Jon Brion produced version that's been on the web for almost a year now. But, you know, they didn't think his version was commercial enough. (Did I mention that I love Jon Brion and I think his version of "Extraordinary Machine" is genuis AND that I love Fiona Apple? And the only thing better than Jon Brion and Fiona Apple is Jon Brion and Aimee Mann. OK. I'm an indie rock nerd. I'll stop.)

I decided to buy the new album since I've been listening to it for free for a year and owed Fiona a well deserved $13. Plus I wanted to compare the two. To see if the record label was right. If there really was a better version of "Extraordinary Machine" to be had.

Needless to say, in the battle of the producers, Jon Brion wins, although some songs that I didn't like on the Jon Brion version ("Better Version of Me," "O' Sailor" and "Oh Well") are better on what I'm referring to as "the remix album." The new producers solution to killing the Jon Brion-ness of every track is to just kick up the drum and bass, ripping out Brion's string arrangements and gilded lily quirks. The song they destroyed for me, of course, was the one I loved the most, "Not About Love," which had a beautiful, classical quality to it that was inventive and fun and now is just, um, loud. Anyway, anyone else take the "Pepsi Challenge" on Fiona/Jon Brion vs Fiona/Evil Record Company?

Slighty Mean Humor: Lost in Suburbia

On "Slightly Mean Humor" I make fun of something in a slightly more jaded manner than usual. Usually because I was either raised amongst it, used to be it or once desired it. This week it's the suburbs.


Break out the exercycle and learn how to enjoy eating at Applebee's - you're in the suburbs now.

My friends Beaux and his wife Ahm recently left B-town and moved to Valencia - land of Cal Arts, tree covered hills and yuppies. My poor hobohemian friends. How will they survive around all those mini-malls and Starbuckses? Let me show you the way, my little tragic hipsters for I was born in suburubia. Yuppie land was my land!

For some strange reason people want to buy large McMansions and live in the 'burbs. My parents did. It's the American dream apparently. A lot of people like it, otherwise they wouldn't be selling and building houses like crazy in the southwest and northwest here in Bakersfield. People want to live there. They want their mini malls. They want to eat at The Elephant Bar. They want to be, sigh, yuppies.

I was raised in the blandness, the nowhere yet everywhere-ness of the American upper middle class suburb back in St. Louis County, Missouri. I know some of you Californians may be shocked, SHOCKED to know that we have McMansions and large, pointless shopping malls "back east" but it's true. It's not all wheat fields and cows inbetween LA and New York City. We have Nordstroms and a Saks Fifth Ave to go with our Walgreens-on-every-corner, Wal-Mart Supercenters and JC Penney's Outlets.

While this might sound like heaven on a Panda Palace potsticker to some people but for those who actually LIKE urban life this is akin to moving to Mars. Hence I'm offering to my friends and anyone else who misses the punks and the goths and the cholos and the dirt and the funk and the rock of the city this guide on how to survive the 'burbs.

Basic information


Huey Lewis was right. It is hip to be square.

1. Everything is fake: You want a real diner? A real ethnic restaurant? Real people? Um, that's not why people move to the 'burbs. They come for the fakeness. The sweet, placid fakeness. Prepare yourself for faux everything. Faux fur. Faux boobs. Faux boho. Faux grunge. Faux punk. Faux faux. Fakeness is very important in the 'burbs. It's a sign that you have "new" money. (No matter what the fauxsters say "Old money" does not live in the suburbs. Even they can't stand yuppies so they either live out in the Boondocks or still live in the city. Paris Hilton may be skanky but she would not be caught dead in a McMansion. And she has no idea of what a Pier 1 is and if she does, she would not shop there. That's so borgousie!)

2. Like minorities? Um ... You might find five of us and we're all, like, hanging together. Or worse, we've been converted to fauxsterism. No one is immune from the allure of track lighting and 250 count Egyptian cotton. Even my ex, Sgt. Kabukimann suddenly had to have the world's most unnecesarily fancy can opener after we got hitched because he thought he was marrying up.

3. Don't watch TV shows that make the suburbs seem like they're full of mystery and sex: Um. They're not. People move there to get away from mystery and sex and have all danger piped in via satellite TV or internet porn.

4. Crime: Stay away from bored 15-year-old boys with too much money and time on their hands, date rapists and serial killers ("He was such a quiet, nice man. Other than that time he painted his door red, which is against the neighborhood rules, by the way, he was very nice to live next door to. He ate people! You don't say!") That's all we really have in the suburbs. Oh, and the occassional child molester. But that's usually just the one weird band instructor/English teacher/high school coach who can't seem to stop messing around with the JV cheerleaders hence keeps getting moved from school to school until he gets royally busted and winds up the top news at 6 o' clock.

5. Standards: There's a dress code in the 'burbs. It's called "whatever is in season at the mall." If it didn't cost $200 and doesn't involve child slave labor in Indonesia it's not quality fashion.

Survival techniques


She slugged him. Not gently.

1. Only go to the mall if it's an emergency. Like all your clothes burned up in a horrible incense fire. The mall is always, always, always crowded and dissappointing and you will be stuck there all day. Plus, it is the land of the 15-year-old boy with too much money and time on his hands. I warned you about him. He has nothing better to do but to mock you and your shoes that did not cost $200 and did not involve child labor in Southeast Asia.

2. Learn to appreciate nature: It's the only thing real about the suburbs. Find a forest and hang out in it.

3. Patience is a virtue. Patience will also keep you from killing a yuppie when they throw a fit in the Starbucks over some college kid not getting their specialized, overtly ridiculous coffee order right. Don't kill the yuppie. It's not worth it!

4. When in trouble, go street: Nothing scares suburbanites more than people who don't act like suburbanites. If you find yourself corned by a bored teen or a molesting band instructor, just start immitating the slightly deranged homeless you used to give beer money to back in the city. They'll leave you alone if they think you're "twitchy."

5. Unless they're on 'roids: Then run. Run like the Dickens.

And remember to smile! You live in the suburbs where everyone is happy. It's written up that way in the neighborhood charter. No fences around the house. No fifty foot poles. No red doors. No frowny faces. A frowny face will get you evicted from the neighborhood.

***
Pictures from Chickenhead.com

The Weave Is Mine

She's pop singer Brandy and she's selling hair weaves. Sweet merciful Lord.


Unbe-weavable!

I received a press kit today for the new "Ultima" hair extensions product made by Japanese company Kaneka, a popular brand of fake hair used by countless black women across America. I was all ready to dump the thing in the garbage when I realized the woman on the press kit was none other than R&B/Pop singing sensation Brandy Norwood. Didn't she used to have a contract with Maybellene or Cover Girl or something? How'd she go from major cosmetic labels to hair weaves? It made me think of that chick I went to college with who's claim to fame was being in a Luster's Pink Moisturizer ad.

Black folks know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, believe me. This is about the equivalent of that only it's for hair weaves. So now, sistas, in beauty shops across America you will be looking at this mug of Brandy as you select your next hair cut and dye job.


I'm sorry that you ...


Seem to be confused ...


It belongs to me ...


The weave is mine!



All right so she looks a little black Barbie doll plasticy, but hey. What's Monica doing? Weave contract is better than nothing even if the photos make her look ridiculous.

Like this one ...



It makes me think of that Vibe Magazine article a few years back on her that talked about how she was the only R&B teen queen who looked "virginal." (They were comparing her to Monica and Aaliyah at the time.) I like how she's trying to pull of sexy but just looks unsexy because Vibe was right. She's a toothpaste girl. But sweet Lord she tried to be vampish. She really, really tried.

Cause You Can't See Faces On the Radio!

But you can on Danielle Belton Online ...


She breaks the news live and direct for KERN 1410 -- the lovely Maricela Solorio. Her favorite color is black and she once set me up on a date. He was nice, but we were too busy to ever hook up.

An on-going blog feature featuring the faces of local radio ...

You love them. You hate them. They're radio personalities. Some are controversial. Some just chat between the songs and commericials. But haven't you always wondered what the HELL these people look like? I've scoured the web in search of pictures of the Bakersfield radio folk you listen to everday (since they make it so hard to find those pictures on their web sites) and I'm going to post their pics for you so you can finally put a face to the voice.

MEATHEAD AND DESI, KRAB RADIO


Californian file photo of Meathead and Desi, guess who's who?

Desi, we were supposed to go to plays and stuff together and we never hooked up. And I was supposed to give you boys a bar tour. I'm sure Rocky's got you all acquainted with that scene though by now ...

ROCKY NA$H, KRAB RADIO


Hotter than hell ... it's Rocky Na$h. Rocker. DJ. Tough chick.

I love Rocky Nash. She's just cool people. She also takes some great pictures, some of which I can actually post to my blog without being accused of being "indecent."





I know that she has this whole hard rocker image, but every time I see her I think, "What a nice woman!" She's so sweet and friendly. We keep meaning to go to lunch together and then not going. I just think she's the best.

JAMIE WHITE, KLLY 95.3 FM


Now Danny-free, Jamie White.

She's not truly local as she's based out of LA, but her show's only broadcast LA, here and one other place that I can't recall, so I'm counting her as local. Plus she's funny, she's pretty and I like hearing about her self-destructive relationships on the air. Oh, and Jack and Stench are funny too.

PARTYBOY BUELLER, KLLY 95.3 FM


He likes to party. Of course here, he looks like he likes to model.

Dude. You really need a bigger picture. I know that the original of this glamour shot has to be a huge 8x10 glossy. People wanna see your face!

INGA BARKS, 1410 KERN NEWS/TALK


The ever controversial conservative talk show host, Inga Barks.

Inga, we probably don't agree on much (re: nothing) but I think you deserve a bigger picture than this! I would have used the pics we had at The Californian but they're from friggin' 1999 and I just wasn't going to do that to you whether I liked your show or not. Those pictures were not flattering.


Who me? Controversial? Not me. Never that.

You're really pretty! Get a nice big mug shot so the world can see you in all your blonde glory there. You're on two radio stations now. (Fresno's KMJ) Might as well flaunt it.

MARK MARTINEZ, KGET-AM 970


Here's Mark and now you know.

Sadly enough, I know nothing about this man, so I can't comment other than your pic's a decent size. It's out of focus, but bigger than Inga's mini pics. He's on from noon to 2 p.m., folks. But let's get to somebody I know better.

RALPH BAILEY, KNZR NEWS 1560 AM


A friend of a friend -- the always interesting and opinionated Ralph Bailey.

Ralph, I know you. I've been on your show. You've got to get a bigger picture. I know you might beg to differ but people totally want to see your face!

And that's it for now. You gotta voice who's face you want to see? Post below and I will search high and low for pictures of them! Or you can e-mail me at dbelton@bakersfield.com if you're a DJ or talk host who wants to send me a nice BIG picture of yer self so you can say a big hello to all.