Slighty Mean Humor: Lost in Suburbia

On "Slightly Mean Humor" I make fun of something in a slightly more jaded manner than usual. Usually because I was either raised amongst it, used to be it or once desired it. This week it's the suburbs.


Break out the exercycle and learn how to enjoy eating at Applebee's - you're in the suburbs now.

My friends Beaux and his wife Ahm recently left B-town and moved to Valencia - land of Cal Arts, tree covered hills and yuppies. My poor hobohemian friends. How will they survive around all those mini-malls and Starbuckses? Let me show you the way, my little tragic hipsters for I was born in suburubia. Yuppie land was my land!

For some strange reason people want to buy large McMansions and live in the 'burbs. My parents did. It's the American dream apparently. A lot of people like it, otherwise they wouldn't be selling and building houses like crazy in the southwest and northwest here in Bakersfield. People want to live there. They want their mini malls. They want to eat at The Elephant Bar. They want to be, sigh, yuppies.

I was raised in the blandness, the nowhere yet everywhere-ness of the American upper middle class suburb back in St. Louis County, Missouri. I know some of you Californians may be shocked, SHOCKED to know that we have McMansions and large, pointless shopping malls "back east" but it's true. It's not all wheat fields and cows inbetween LA and New York City. We have Nordstroms and a Saks Fifth Ave to go with our Walgreens-on-every-corner, Wal-Mart Supercenters and JC Penney's Outlets.

While this might sound like heaven on a Panda Palace potsticker to some people but for those who actually LIKE urban life this is akin to moving to Mars. Hence I'm offering to my friends and anyone else who misses the punks and the goths and the cholos and the dirt and the funk and the rock of the city this guide on how to survive the 'burbs.

Basic information


Huey Lewis was right. It is hip to be square.

1. Everything is fake: You want a real diner? A real ethnic restaurant? Real people? Um, that's not why people move to the 'burbs. They come for the fakeness. The sweet, placid fakeness. Prepare yourself for faux everything. Faux fur. Faux boobs. Faux boho. Faux grunge. Faux punk. Faux faux. Fakeness is very important in the 'burbs. It's a sign that you have "new" money. (No matter what the fauxsters say "Old money" does not live in the suburbs. Even they can't stand yuppies so they either live out in the Boondocks or still live in the city. Paris Hilton may be skanky but she would not be caught dead in a McMansion. And she has no idea of what a Pier 1 is and if she does, she would not shop there. That's so borgousie!)

2. Like minorities? Um ... You might find five of us and we're all, like, hanging together. Or worse, we've been converted to fauxsterism. No one is immune from the allure of track lighting and 250 count Egyptian cotton. Even my ex, Sgt. Kabukimann suddenly had to have the world's most unnecesarily fancy can opener after we got hitched because he thought he was marrying up.

3. Don't watch TV shows that make the suburbs seem like they're full of mystery and sex: Um. They're not. People move there to get away from mystery and sex and have all danger piped in via satellite TV or internet porn.

4. Crime: Stay away from bored 15-year-old boys with too much money and time on their hands, date rapists and serial killers ("He was such a quiet, nice man. Other than that time he painted his door red, which is against the neighborhood rules, by the way, he was very nice to live next door to. He ate people! You don't say!") That's all we really have in the suburbs. Oh, and the occassional child molester. But that's usually just the one weird band instructor/English teacher/high school coach who can't seem to stop messing around with the JV cheerleaders hence keeps getting moved from school to school until he gets royally busted and winds up the top news at 6 o' clock.

5. Standards: There's a dress code in the 'burbs. It's called "whatever is in season at the mall." If it didn't cost $200 and doesn't involve child slave labor in Indonesia it's not quality fashion.

Survival techniques


She slugged him. Not gently.

1. Only go to the mall if it's an emergency. Like all your clothes burned up in a horrible incense fire. The mall is always, always, always crowded and dissappointing and you will be stuck there all day. Plus, it is the land of the 15-year-old boy with too much money and time on his hands. I warned you about him. He has nothing better to do but to mock you and your shoes that did not cost $200 and did not involve child labor in Southeast Asia.

2. Learn to appreciate nature: It's the only thing real about the suburbs. Find a forest and hang out in it.

3. Patience is a virtue. Patience will also keep you from killing a yuppie when they throw a fit in the Starbucks over some college kid not getting their specialized, overtly ridiculous coffee order right. Don't kill the yuppie. It's not worth it!

4. When in trouble, go street: Nothing scares suburbanites more than people who don't act like suburbanites. If you find yourself corned by a bored teen or a molesting band instructor, just start immitating the slightly deranged homeless you used to give beer money to back in the city. They'll leave you alone if they think you're "twitchy."

5. Unless they're on 'roids: Then run. Run like the Dickens.

And remember to smile! You live in the suburbs where everyone is happy. It's written up that way in the neighborhood charter. No fences around the house. No fifty foot poles. No red doors. No frowny faces. A frowny face will get you evicted from the neighborhood.

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Pictures from Chickenhead.com