WONDERKILLER: Get Disturbed

Giving you what you didn't know you wanted since last June


Disturbed, coming to Bakersfield Aug. 4

DISTURBED: I'm going to interview the band on Monday so check for the article in Thursday's "Eye on Entertainment" section. I just finished downloading a bunch of pictures of them from Warner Bros. for the article and, man, do those boys like their black leather. I hope they don't wear that to the Bakersfield show. They'll wind up microwaving their little angry, dark insides. Burn up and fry like little leather raisins. If you want tickets to show you better move out. They're going, going, almost gone.

JAZZ IS YOUR FRIEND: Phil at PJ's Nite Club (1927 K St.) is wondering where the love is Bakersfield. Poor guy. Sitting in his bar. Working his tail off. Like all downtown clubs he's going through his period of ups and downs. He built the jazz club. It's hot. I like it. My co-workers like it. KNZR talk show host Ralph Bailey likes it. So where's his customers? The place should be packed every night. Is the club to east coast for Bako's Central Cali tastes? Who knows?Still, the joint should be jumping tonight for Jeff Lorber. Phil said the show is nearly sold out. But folks, head out and kick it a PJ's. He might be able to get Tito Jackson to come back again. He's working on getting Louie Cruz back for a MONTH! A month of smooth, funky, Latin jazz. Of course, I want PJ's to keep going because if Phil keeps bringing in the big acts maybe one day he'll bring my favorite jazz saxophonist to town. The unbelievably talented and exceptionally good looking Joshua Redman. Mmmm ... Joshua Redman. Let's just think about that for a moment, shall we ...? Hmm ... a sandiwch is just a sandwich but a Manwich IS a meal.

AT RANDOM: ... Next week some rockabilly and some Monty Byrom will be hitting up Fishlips. More news on that later... Check out Near Miss Mallet and Paul Sorenson tonight at Dagny's Coffee Co. The show starts at 6 p.m. and lasts until 8. ... Also check out Nick Belardes just posted some picks of my favorite record store homie, Jake Chavez, owner of Downtown Records on 19th Street. Jake has been one of my biggest supporters since I moved to town. He used to let me hang out in his store for hours and was one of the first people to offer to beat the crap out of my ex-husband for me. It was nice to know, but unnecessary as I haven't spoke to Sgt. Kabukiman in nearly four years now. Still, it was sweet to know that he cares enough to kick some stranger's ass for me ... Nick also goes into a long story about his most recent experience at Jerry's Pizza since a certain someone stopped booking shows there ... Have a good weekend folks!

What's your favorite hot spot?

(Photo by Rodney Thornburg) Louie Cruz Beltran at ...


...PJ's Nite Club (1927 K St.) This superfly spot is hosting jazz musician Jeff Lorber this Friday for two shows at 7:30 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. It's $25 to get inside. (Photo by Roger Hornbeck) PJ's owner Phillip Randolph (above) says he's trying to bring in more and more fun jazz/classic R&B acts and is even in talks to get Beltran back for a super-sized jazz gig. Keep your fingers crossed.

All right. Don't everyone jump up at once. Now who read the club review? Did you miss it? Click here (regs. required) and see what you've been missing. If you did read it, man, I didn't know you cared so much? People in this town take their partying seriously! I got more e-mails and calls from the club review than I've gotten for anything that I've written all year. Even more e-mails than my Brian "Head" Welch story when he announced he was leaving Korn for the Lord.

Heck, I even ended up on Ralph Bailey's radio show on KNZR by the end of the day.

Looks like I'm going to have to do more party spot coverage. I already do some, but it's been a little "spotty," so now I'm going to try to find interesting ways to give folks all the bar news they need and desire on the regular. That said, what's your favorite hot spot? Did I miss your watering hole du jour? I had a southwest reader who bemoaned the lack of southwest bars in my review and a limo service jumped in with their picks that I missed. Then both Valentin and Senor Pepes called wanting to get on my list of places to swing by and check out. So post below your favorite spots in and around town and I'll try to check them out.

Take Me Out

Don't get all excited over this picture of Franz Ferdinand. They're not coming to the 'Field, so there's no need for working your little dance rock hearts into a pitter patter, but I still wanted to share FranzFerdinand.org with you. Featured on Salon.com, it's a web site with a wealth of FF rarities, singles, live recordings and covers, my favorite being this Fake Elton John-style cover of "Take Me Out" by New York's the Scissor Sisters. Click here for a download of the glam New Yorkers take on the New Scottish Gentry's jam.

And in other news, Johnny Depp kicks chocolate's ass! (Fametracker.com)

WONDERKILLER

If you don't know, now you know


Gigantic Vintage now in a bigger space at the MontGo Plaza and booking shows at Jerry's Pizza (Photo by The Californian's Casey Christie).

GIGANTIC VINTAGE: Oddly enough one of the reason's Gigantic Vintage moved from its sweet spot next door to Downtown Records to the MontGo had to do with some issues with a promoter at Jerry's Pizza. Now that promoter is gone and Gigantic is booking music gigs at the downtown haven of punk rock and pizza. That my friends is what we literary types call "irony." Their first show was last Friday. Gigantic's next show is tonight featuring New Thrill Parade, Mammatus, A Cut to the Face With Jets and more. Dante Esperanza and a whole bunch of bands played the first show last week. Gigantic has three more shows scheduled in August.

MONTY IN THE MORNING: Catch former Big House frontman Monty Byrom on KBAK 29's Daybreak with Rusty and Lisa early Friday morning. He'll be singing live after being interviewed by L-Boogie and the Shoopster. (And I can call them that because we totally used to kick it, big willie-style, on Thursday mornings before I realized 4 a.m. was an unnaturally hour for me to wake up.) Monty will be on around 6 a.m.


Vendetta Red

VENDETTA RED: I go to chat with Zach Davidson about his band Vendetta Red. You can read more about him and the new album in Thursday's Eye on Entertianment section. We chatted about how dark and demented the music of Vendetta Red can get: "It's really, really creepy. I'm saying things I really shouldn't say. A lot of serious, descriptions of mass genocide, gang rape and not things that are socially acceptable." Hmmm. Um, yeah. I'm going to go with the notion that Vendetta Red is probably not my kind of band since I'm more of a "vintage Prince in black thigh highs and man panties" kind of girl. (Thanks for the DVD of the "Dirty Mind" concert, Matt M.! I love it!)

YADDA YADDA YADDA: ... The Distrubed show is almost sold out. If you want tickets to the Aug. 4 show at the MontGo you need to head out to Bakersfield Wireless in East Hills Mall, World Records, Wavelengths SBI, Impact Streetwear, Outer Limits or the Mainland stores because there are no more on-line tickets available. Tickets are $22. You snooze, you lose on Disturbed, Bakerinos ... Dr. BLT, the song blogger with the more music per hour message is off on his latest creative endeavour with "U.S.Eh?" his joint collabo with Darryl Ens who the BLT "used to jam with back in their hometown of Saskatoon" as a young BLT. Their first musical offereing is called "Backstreets of Your Mind." Check out the track here. You can also check out Bruce's screaming baby jam, dedicated to his newborn kid, "Nice, Nice Baby" here ... Man selling his freedom of speech on eBay ... Check out the smooth musical stylings of Paul Sorenson and Near Miss Mallet Friday from 6-8 p.m. at Dagny's ... Speed dating tonight at PJ's Nite Club, folks. I'm going to kick it with Phil and gawk at the daters! Much love and see you on the morrow!

Party like it's 1999

I'm not this good with a camera: Roger Hornbeck took this picture of Xander's downstairs nightclub.

In the name of journalistic sacrifice I spent the last three weekends doing nothing but going to local bars, restaurants and clubs for The Californian's "Bar and Club Review 2006." (I do this because I care, people.) Needless to say, I'm tired. Pooped. Exhausted. It was toture. Going to all those bars and restaurants. You just don't know!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I have the world's fakest job. I'm paid to blog, go shopping, go to shows and bars, then write about it. But you know? Sometimes I just want to stay home and read a book. I am a nerd after all. I enjoy the private pleasures of literature and film. I don't need to go to RJ's and get trashed with the trogdolytes. Not that it doesn't make good writing (or reading for that matter.)

But I'll stop kvetching now. I could be out in a field dying of heat exhaustion or be the person who has to clean the dead animal carcasses of the highway.

Anyway, the club review will be gracing the cover of this Thursday's entertainment section.

Also in this Thursday's Californian: WOTS and Vendetta Red lead singer Zach Davidson on what to expect at a Vendetta Red show

Horror, thy name is "manpris"

It always looks like fun until someone gets hurt.


A more innocent looking pair of manpris: Hey, they're just really long shorts, right? They don't look that bad? But, oh, you just don't know how bad it can get.

I'm not even going to try to hide it -- I hate the manpris. I think I hate it more than emo. For those who don't know, the "manpris" is essentially the 3/4, capris pant for men. Now ladies, we all know what a capris pant is. We love ourselves some capris ... on us. Not necessarily on the men we love or just like to look at. Which is why I have cobbled together this PSA.

Already poo-pooed by the folks at Go Fug Yourself, I present to you that horrific fashion faux pas, the manpris.

Let's start off with exhibit "A," called "Hey! They're really just shorts. Really!"



It's summer. It's hot. You're sweaty. You don't want to wear long pants, yet you can't bring yourself to bust out those 1980s NBA era John Stockton coochie cutters. I understand. You were looking for a non-coochie cutter alternative. Well, mis amigos, this ain't it. Baggy shorts I can forgive. Some what longish shorts I can forgive. But much like how the man with the combover is in denial that his hair is long gone, dude ... those are some girly-ass pants. So girly even a girly man singled out by our governator himself would not wear them. So girly it's like the metrosexual look shot to hell and back. So recognize it. Accept it. Own your manpris. Don't try to pretend like they're shorts.

Now, let me present you with exhibit "B," also known as "Oh, Hell No."


Denial, no longer just a river in Egypt.

"What? These? I just work out in these. Totally. They're fitness pants. I mean, I'll work out in anything. What's the big deal? Stop looking at me like that. I'm serious. They're just for exercise. Serious! Stop staring at me, dude!"

Exhibit "C" entitled, "Hell-to-the-No."


Also known as "Wrong. Wrong. Just all kinds of wrong" and "Oh-No-He-Didn't!"

Since this is just some poor guy I found on the internet (not a paid model or a famous person) I decided to remove his face to protect his fashion integrity. He might just be having an off day. He could be dripping in diamonds looking fabulously sexy all the long day on the regular. But that still doesn't excuse these craptacular pants. Exhibit "C" (or someone he knows) so obviously made these manpris out of a pair of normal, probably nice looking pants, hence making it all the more wrong. But hey, at least he got them tailored. That's more than I can say for the man who put the "man" in manpris 'n' mandals, star of exhibit "D," simply called ...

... "Do you really want to dress like this man?"






K-Fug: Manpris aficianado.

What I like is how no matter how much money Kevin might be rolling in right now he still took a pair of scissors to his own cargo pants from Anchor Blue ... and he wears the same pair over and over. Keep'n it real with K-Fed! That's thug-economical! Thugnomical, even!


A plea for help from Pink Is the New Blog.

I know what you're thinking, "Kevin rocked the ratty razor blade manpris and managed to bag himself a multi-millionaire, soft-core porn, pop singer!" But I'd like to think that has less to do with the manpris cut-offs and more to do with Britney's gawd awful taste in the male-of-the-species or whatever species this Fresno Famous man is ...

That said, fellas, it's just hard to make something this silly look cool, so don't try. For the love of crappy fashion ... just ... don't ... try.

Ideal celeb product placement

Courtsey of the Gallery of the Absurd.


Man. That's good funny.

WONDERKILLER

It's the end of wonder as we know it and I feel fine

















It's Capt. Hook and Smee in the BCT's production of "Peter Pan."

LET'S ALL GO TO THE THEATER: ... And see some shows. Like "Peter Pan" at the Bakersfield Community Theatre or "Laugh-In" at the Spotlight. In fact, you can see "Laugh-In" tonight for only $5 if you're heading downtown for the street faire. Of course I'll probably kick it at the fair before moving on to see either "Laugh-In" or "Closer" at the Empty Space. It's both closing weekend for "Closer" and "Peter Pan." I'll either see it tonight or on Saturday for the closing night show. Alas, I've been bereft with unnaturally busy weekends so if you don't spot me at your play it's because, gosh darn it, I have so many things to do and so little time to do it all in.






















Dead center in black with the beard is dear ol' Monty with his band Big House back in 1998.

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME: Ms. M sent me the word on blues rock musician Monty Byrom's upcoming shows at Fishlips this August as part of his "There's No Place Like Home" tour. The former Big House frontman will be packing the house at Fishlips Saturdays, Aug. 6, 13 and 20th. All shows are at 9 p.m. and the cover is only $3. I had dinner with Monty not too long ago and the man is full of great stories about his life in the music business. Naturally, I can repeat back nothing, (my loose lips are amazingly sealed) but it was great! He's a fun guy. If you go to the show it will be a $3 more than well spent because there is nothing about the Mont man that says "three dollar show." You're practically ripping him off. He's almost giving the goodness away.





































Vendetta Red, now with Epic Records and a new album set to drop soon, is coming to town.

PEOPLE, PLACES AND LOTS OF THINGS: ... Vendetta Red is returning to Bakersfield. I have a phone interview with them Friday. They're playing The Gate July 29th, promoting songs off their new release "Sisters of the Red Death" set to drop Aug. 30th. FYI: the lead singer, Zach, is a Bakersfield boy ... Pattern Is Movement is also coming to town Aug. 6, playing a Gigantic Vintage show at the MontGo ... Also, Gigantic Vintage's AJ and Alex are getting ready to start putting on shows at Jerry's Pizza ... Mon Frere is also coming to town and I'm already a fan after listening to their "Real Vampires EP" all week long. I espcially love the second track "Up Circle." They have a great dance punk thing going on, similar to The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. They're playing Studio 99 Aug. 8th. ... See you at the Downtown Street Fair tonight, Bakerinos!

Mmm ... EverCrack

It's delicious.



















I made this for a co-worker two years ago as a joke. He really, really, really likes his role-playing games.

FAKE FAMOUS: Kelsey Kirkendall

Rock fashionista

Local designer, store clerk, well-dressed girl Kelsey Kirkendall.

I met Kelsey Kirkendall while on a fashion scavenger hunt with our photographer Casey Christie and spotted her right off the bat as a girl who knows her fashion, but I was even more excited when I found out that not only could Kelsey put together a cute outfit she could make clothes and jewerly too.

"I've been doing it for a year now," she said. "Making different things off and on."

One of things that she makes (which I've decided I now MUST HAVE) are her Fender guitar pick earrings. Lightweight, cute and only $15, she sells them out of LoLo's in the Stockdale Fashion Plaza off Stockdale Highway. But Kelsey's fashion sense doesn't stop there, she also makes necklaces and reconstructed skirts made out of old T-shirts.

My butt's way to big for those mini skirts she makes, but I had to admit, it's a clever idea. In the shop, one of the skirts was an old-school D.A.R.E., "just say no to drugs" shirt. Mmmm. Irony.

"I usually go for the most unusual (T-shirts); ones with band's on them, anything that catches my eye," she said. "Something unusual, humorous or funky."

She peddles the skirts for about $30. It's all part of her own line, which she has aptly dubbed "Kirk & Doll."

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"Fake Famous in Bakersfield" is about the people, places and things that you should know about, but don't. Maybe you don't get out a lot. I don't know. Check back for future entries on the members of your gossip circle like ... rock musicians! Local bloggers! People who dress really, really nice! Writers! Poets! Actors! Artists! Fashionistas! And more!

Is your future so bright you have to wear shades? Are you Fake Famous in Bakersfield? Are you frustrated because, gosh darn it, people need to start acting like they know you? Shoot me an e-mail with your picture to dbelton@bakersfield.com so you can join the ranks of other Bakersfieldians who aren't Buck Owens, but still managed to cause both undying love and violent responses in people.

FAKE FAMOUS: "The AshJen"

You don't have to be a star, baby, to be in my show.























Ashley Bretz and Jenna Widelock of AJ Productions

They're actresses, they're producers, they're everywhere. Fake Famous Bakersfieldians Ashley Bretz and Jenna Widelock are two local women who know how to put on a show, their latest excursion being "Titsling," their comedic, musical mulitmedia show celebrating boobs opening in Los Angeles this fall. And who doesn't love boobs? Losers, that's who. Boobs are well-loved; their popularity only growing greater year after year. While other stocks go down, boobs are always rising, sometimes even getting bigger! And The AshJen (as I've lovingly dubbed them because I'm too lazy to write both their names) love boobs so much a portion of the proceeds from Titsling will go towards breast cancer research.

But the really big shoe won't debut until this fall, so for now The AshJen are scrambling like made to raise money, get support, get the job done. The Ash is working PR for the Fox Theater (she's sorry about the broken AC, ya'll. Stop the yelling!) and The Jen is a school teacher, but on the stage they come alive like Peter Frampton.

They especially came alive a year ago when they put on a production of "The Vagina Monologues" so good that its run was extended twice at the Empty Space, then was taken to LA and got shut down by the big vagina herself, Eve Ensler. While controversy could crush other people, The AshJen quickly realized that having Eve Ensler hate their show was not the worst thing in the world. Especially when so many people liked their take on the popular play, which The Ash worked over with fishnet stockings and a live jazz band. Love it. Hate it. It put the butts in the seats and even generated some press. Plus, it gave The Ash a handle to work with as the only person in the history of the Vagina Monologues to have their show shut down!

Thus making The AshJen deserving of their Fake Famous in Bakersfield title, right up there with all the other infamous people in town that you should know, but don't. So save a spot at The Elephant Bar for them and, please, let them do their shopping at Macy's in peace, people! The paparazzi are so evasive nowadays. Just all up in everyone's business.

------
"Fake Famous in Bakersfield" is about the people, places and things that you should know about, but don't. Maybe you don't get out a lot. I don't know. Previous entries include: Leah Little of Posh and the bar Azul. Check back for future entries on the members of your gossip circle like ... rock musicians! Local bloggers! People who dress really, really nice! Writers! Poets! Actors! Artists! Fashionistas! And more!

Is your future so bright you have to wear shades? Are you Fake Famous in Bakersfield? Are you frustrated because, gosh darn it, people need to start acting like they know you? Are you tired of having to wait in line to get into frickin' RJ's? RJ's, people! It's not even that nice! Sweet merciful God, why is there a line???? Shoot me an e-mail with your picture to dbelton@bakersfield.com so you can join the ranks of other Bakersfieldians who aren't Buck Owens, but still managed to cause both undying love and violent responses in people.

Oldie but goody

I didn't create this. The folks at Betty Bowers did, but in light of "Being Bobby Brown" this seemed like an important thing to share.

"Everything in here is fake, but it's nice fake."

THE ELEPHANT BAR


It's a jungle themed restaurant/bar with lots of elephants and its now open at 10100 Stockdale Highway, but this picture is from a different branch of this chain restaurant.

I spent a good portion of last weekend driving around with two slightly inebriated fellows as I stayed stone-cold sober whilst visiting restaurants, bars and clubs for my "Club Review 2005." We went to a lot of places, but by far, the one that was the most interesting and ridiculous was the Elephant Bar. It was so amazing I had to drag my non-bar hopping friend there the following day for an early dinner because, heck, I needed to envelope this thing, this crazy, expensive, glorious, overdone, theme restaurant thing by eating its teriyaki grilled salmon and strawberry shortcake.

The food was just meh. I mean, it's a chain, so it's not like it was nasty or anything. It was deliciously inoffensive and devoid of personality in that way all major chains are. Like an upscale Chili's. Where a place like this really shines is in the people who patronize it. That's what makes a bar/restaurant/club interesting. And the night I went with the boys it was beyond interesting.



OWN YOUR MASCULINITY
a bar story

By the time we got there The New Guy was already wasted. Poor new guy. He didn't know he would be hanging out with The Champ who managed to literally know at least half-a-dozen people everywhere we went and managed to be the most popular guy in every room. It was uncanny. He could also put away beer like it was nothing, so by the time we got to The Elephant Bar at 11 p.m. he was ready to finally drink something that was not a beer, settling on a Long Island Iced Tea. The New Guy went with the Mohito and was gracious when he learned the kitchen was still open, as he'd had about five beers at this point in the evening on an empty stomach.

I'd convinced The New Guy and The Champ to go on a "bar field trip" with me rather easily. How often did you get the use of a sober driver at your disposal for a whole evening who would ferry you from night spot to night spot then drop you off safely at home? But I only invited two people because I only have two arms and two eyes. I figured I could babysit two happy drunks, but not much more. They didn't quite know what to do at first, but five or six beers later they'd completely gotten into the whole notion of club reviewing, happily spouting off witty bon mots with the help of our friend — "Alcohol."

"I'm seeing a lot of long legs," announced The Champ with a smile.

"This is my favorite place so far because it has the most people," said The New Guy.

The bar was packed with people, primarily the long, legged women The Champ preferred without any sort of shame. They were all illuminated in the favorable blue light of the reflective dome above the restaurant's bar. I'd never seen so many camisole tops and short ruffled skirts in my life.

Where we sat we had a good view of the action inside and outside, and for some reason nearly every young, nubile blonde in the room seemed to be concentrated near our table, which, of course, made The Champ happy. Unfortunately the men were the same here as they were everywhere we went that evening — toolish.

"There's certainly a lot more to look at if you're a guy going to bars in Bakersfield than if you're a girl," said The Champ throwing me some pity that lasted all of two seconds until the next kitten-heeled-sandaled, long-limbed, flaxen girl strolled past.

But the Elephant Bar was such a nice place. All the women dressed up. Even someone's mother who was cut to the nines with Farrah hair. Of course, she looked woefully out of place among the meat market, 20-something crowd, but still. Why did all the men have to look like they just came fresh from Ashton Kutchner's Mesh Trucker Hat Eporium? Why did they all dress like Johnny Knoxville? What's with the manpris?

"There sure are a lot of blondes in Bakersfield," said The New Guy who'd recently come here from the Bay. "You never see a blonde in the Bay Area, but here!"

"Well, I don't think they're all really blondes," I said as the blonde standing closest to us kept flipping down the back tag to her pants to show it to her girlfriend.

We had no idea what that was about.

"It's not like Bakersfield has a higher population of Swedes and Germans compared to the rest of California," I said.

Later the sampler platter the size of our three combined heads arrived and as The Champ and I watched the New Guy plow through the food like a rhino in the bush, we continued our discussion on the merits and demerits of the Elephant Bar.

"It's like 'The O.C.' threw up in here," I said, actually a bit sad at the fact that there would not be one sooty-faced punk kid trolling about or a knife fight at any point. Nothing but Maroon 5 and pink polo shirts for as far as the eye could see.

"Everything in here is fake, but nice fake," said The Champ as he blissfully smiled.

He'd already spotted friends and a least, appeared to get hit on at some point. Who knows? But he was happy. His Long Island Iced tea was deceptively tasty, "lemonade-like," meaning it was probably chock full of alcohol. But The New Guy was befuddled by his Mohito, which came with a giant stalk of something hard and beige stuck in it amongst the lemons and mint that was not a straw.

"What is it?" I said.

"I don't know what it is. I think it's bamboo or something."

"Maybe, it's ginger," I said, clearly just screwing with him at this point. "Lick it."

And of course, since he was drunk, he did.

"No, it's not ginger," he said frowning, then laughing. "And you totally had me lick this thing!"

I just smiled innocently and shrugged.

We all agreed it was the best night spot we'd been to so far this evening, trumping a loud, unfortunate experience at The Jungle Cafe on Truxtun and the nice but pracitcally empty Sandrini's in the old Lucky's.

Since The Champ was also the most popular guy at the Elephant Bar as well, the New Guy and I were left to our own devices for most of our time there. The Champ was so drunk at one point he clearly forgot he came with us, but I reminded The New Guy that even though The Champ kept wandering off he would likely be fine. I could easily keep an eye on him from our vantage point as well as the rest of the Elephant Bar's fake Newport Beach crowd.

"He knows everybody," sighed The New Guy, who despite being dark haired, tall and cute in a David Duchovny sort of way, remained unaccosted by the female of the species.

"Look at that guy in a pink shirt," The New Guy said pointing out some yuppie in a pink polo whom some blondes were chatting with, "A dude with a pink shirt. That's saying, 'I own my masculinity.' I should get a pink shirt. All I have is a salmon tie. It's as close as I come."

The New Guy vowed to buy something pink and own his own masculinity, then we spent a long period in silence as the crowd gyrated around us. After last call the herd began to gradually thin out, causing the return of The Champ, still happy and now even more inebriated.

"I forgot I came with you guys!" he said as he sat back down. "Everyone's going to RJ's next! Are you going to review RJ's? You have to review RJ's!" said The Champ, referring to the popular northwest bar, "It's HORRIBLE!"

I looked over at the New Guy who was wilting like a gas station rose on me.

"Are you all right," I said.

He gave me a thumbs up.

"Do you want to go to RJ's?" I asked.

"It's not far from here and you're so far out," said The Champ. "If we go now you won't have to drive this far out to go there again to review it."

My wilting New Guy rose raised his fists triumphantly and shouted/mummbled a hearty, "yeah!"

"All right! We'll do shots at RJ's!" announced The Champ and our party moved on into the night.

Fin

Updates A-coming!

Whew! I have finally returned after a colorful weekend. I'll try to get you some fresh bloggy info after I file some stories for my editors. But check back at the blog this afternoon where you can read about:

* The situation with the Fox and its broken air conditioning

* A call for womens' stories about their "monthly visitor"

* Hitting bars for my bar review 2005 story with two barflies

* News about local bands, concerts, the theater, blah, blah, blah

* Checking out the jazz at PJ's Jazz and Blues

* And a rant about clothes shopping!

WONDERKILLER

You only thought you wanted to know


Hotter than a stack of ho-cakes it's morning radio's Jamie White without the Dan.

JAMIE, JACK AND STENCH: Well if you didn't know already Danny Bonaduche is no longer on the air in Bakersfield. He's stepped down/fired/quit his job with the LA based "Jamie and Danny" show which aired on KLLY "Kelly" 95.3 FM. The Clearchannel owned morning show featured the former child star/comedian and LA radio personality Jamie White (who is actually from my neck of the woods, growing up in Southern Illinois.) The Dan recently finished another stint in rehab and apparently things just weren't the same when he came back to the show. He left over the Fourth of July weekend. Right now the morning show is on vacation, but come July 25 the renamed "Jamie, Jack and Stench" show will be on Kelly.

BO DIDDLEY: Blues legend Bo Diddley is coming to Bakersfield as part of World Records' "No Stinkin' Service Charge" blues series. Tickets for the Aug. 19 show go on sale 6 p.m., Tuesday night at World Records. Diddley, recently inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, will play the CSUB Amphitheater. Doors open at 6 and the show will start at 6:30 p.m. Bakersfield's everyman band Mento Buru will open. Reserved tickets at tables are $40 and $35. Lawn seats $30 for adults, children 6 and under free, children 7 to 16 $20. Tickets can be purchased in person or charged by phone 661-831-3100.

AND THE DOG PILE: ... It was on! It was off! It was on again! If you only knew the drama Kip and Shawna had to go through to get this Link Wray show at Fishlips. Go to the show and ask them about it. I'm sure they'll tell you all about it. Link fired his manager. Everyone freaked out. It was wild. But Link is apparently a man of his word and he, along with the Dusk Devils will rock Fishlips come ... I'm gearing up for the big, summer club review 2005. This time with more venues and more fun stuff from my random bar hopping companions. If you can think of any hot spots I need to check out, send me an e-mail at dbelton@bakersfield.com or leave a comment ... The super posh Xander's Grill (1419 19th St.) downtown is having a "Girls' Night Out" special on Aug. 11 and a Greek Night Aug. 25. Mark yer calendars ... Also DJ Mark Montanna is currently spinning the 80s tunes at the Xander's joint nowadays. My homey AJ the DJ has been at Azul's for some time now ... Peter Pan opens at the Bakersfield Community Theatre this weekend ... while "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In" opens at the Spotlight ... Danielle Belton Online has been giving you "more drama for your mama" for officially one whole year (as of July 2.) Happy Blog Day to me!

QUOTE END QUOTE: Naturally, I got some e-mail on the Chris Isaak show. Naturally, folks who went had a good time. Those who didn't go felt bad at first, then learned that the AC didn't work and felt a little less bad. But I received some great letters. Here's a quote from my favorite on Isaak and the women I dubbed "The Crazy Ladies of the Chris Isaak" concert: "I also attended the the Chris Isaak concert. I honestly believe the answer to your question of 'Is it hot in here or is it just Chris Isaak?' is 'IT'S CHRIS ISAAK!!!!!!!' Although the humidty and heat in the theater was almost unbearable, he performed the best show I've seen in a long time. He was such a good sport about the heat. The 'Crazy Ladies of The Chris Isaac Concert' were totally disgusting. I'm not a prude, neither am I old or conservative, but these HUCHI MAMAS were embarassing!"

And I'm out people. I have tomorrow off so, um, find other ways to amuze yourself. Toodles!

The Only Thing Hotter Than Chris Isaak ...?

... Is the Fox Theater when the AC is broken in the middle of July ... Good Lord it was sweltering at the show, but I survived, Chris survived. All the people who showed up survived and we had a mighty fine time. My review will be in tomorrow's paper but for your own personal enjoyments here are some quotes and highlights from the Chris Isaak show Tuesday night.
































He totally wore this same suit at the Bako show.

Chris on Bakersfield vs his hometown of Stockton: "Stockton is a lot like Bakersfield without the glamour."

"People come to Stockton and go, 'Wow, if you just keep working on it in a few years you could be a Bakersfield!'"

Chris on the broken AC in the Fox: "If you're complaining about the heat you're a whiner. I'm wearing a damn pink wool suit ... and sequined underwear."

"I'm sweating like a hooker in church over here."

Chris on the crazy drunk ladies: "Please don't display yourself to the band. It's like putting a biscuit on a dog's nose."

Chris to a fan who shouted "I love you": "It's easy to shout that in the dark. What will you say when you have to face me in all my manliness?"

Chris on singing falsetto: "A lot of singers with high voices are masculine."

Chris comparing his falsetto to KD Lang's voice: "I can sing just as high as KD Lang and now that I'm taking steroids, I can sing even higher."

Chris on the crazy drunk lady who tripped over the amp on stage: "Whoops!"

Chris on the crazy lady gyrating in front of him by his microphone stand: "See, she's got the right idea. She's dancing against the pole and that's where we get our tips."

Chris to a fan who asked him to play "Streets of Bakersfield:" "What? Streets of Bakersfield ... (half-singing) You don't know me but you don't like me ... Buck Owens would come out here and slap me."

• Number of times Chris jumped into the audience and ran around like a mad sexy animal: 3
• Number of times a drunk crazy lady burst onto the stage and had to be wrangled off: 2
• Number of wardrobe changes: 2 (the pink suit and a "disco ball" type suit)
• Number of drunk crazy ladies invited on the stage to dance with Chris: About 12
• Number of drunk crazy ladies who tripped over an amp and fell flat on her ass: 1
• Number of drunk crazy ladies who ripped off their shirt on the stage: 1
• Number of drunk crazy ladies who groped Chris: too many to count
• Number of times Chris gave Buck Owens a shout-out: 2
• Number of times Chris held an incredibly long note: too many to count

Thanks for the memories, Chris!

Chris Isaak Tonight @ The Fox

Tonight he will be mine! ALL MINE! (and about a thousand others) but MINE! And my friend Jenn's. But MINE!

***Look for the review in this Thursday's Californian!

WONDERKILLER

Cause heaven forbid if you had to kill your own wonder

















The Dusk Devils: Tanned, rested and regrouped -- so ready to go.

DUSK DEVILS: The Dusk Devils are back and ready to rock 'n' roll again after a brief haitus. The roots music/rockabilly band landed a sweet gig opening for Link Wray this Friday at Fishlips. Naturally Jenny Angel and the gang are pretty excited. A lot of neat things are going on with the band. They've got a new bassist in Jason Grooms (formerly of Mento Buru) and a new drummer, Jerry "JT" Tyler. Jenny says there's also a chance they might be snagging a saxophonist who used to play with Little Richard, which of course, gives Jenny the shivers down to her livers. "Don't even think about it!" she mused.

Jenny and the gang got the gig by getting in with Link's manager (who, in an unrelated note, was recently fired. Like Monday.) Jenny said the Devils feel fortunate to be playing with the man behind such legendary guitar-based tracks like "Rumble." (You've seen "Pulp Fiction" right? It plays during the opening credits. Sounds like the soundtrack to a drag race or a cock fight, which is sort of the same thing when you really think about it.) "Link Wray is one of my heroes. Not a lot of those people of that vintage still around anymore," Jenny said.

Jenny's glad to have her band back and although she sez, "I don't want to get rich or famous, I'm too old, not talented enough," she says she's down for a good time and this show sounds like it.

GET ON TV: CBS's other top rated reality show "The Amazing Race" is holding an open casting call in Bakersfield. It goes down July 23rd at the Chrysler-Jeep shop in the Automall at 3101 Cattle Dr. The casting call begins at 9 a.m. and will end at 4 p.m. You can find a list of rules and an application to download at Bakersfield.com. Applicants will participate in a recorded interview and if you get on the show there's a good chance I'll have to write about you and I will bitch and bitch and bitch to my editors about it, because if it's not America's Next Top Model I hate it. That and it seems like if someone just drives through on the 5 and gets on some pap like "My Three Reality Sons" it warrants a profile. Top Model or American Idol. Get on that and I'll bitch, but I'll bitch and still be rooting for you to go all the way.

THE REST IS THE BEST: ... Because I do read the papers for those who want to read more and more about promoter Nate Berg not promoting at Jerry's Pizza anymore, let me direct you to this article in The Blackboard penned by Francis Mayer and Sandy Crane. (It's the third item down on the page) Get all the underground dirt I can't give you, Bakerinos ... CBS is promoting some horrible looking sitcom starring Neil Patrick Harris and Alyson Hannigan that makes me feel so sorry for them. Keep your heads up Doogie and Willow! Maybe "How I Met Your Mother" will only suck a little ... Beatles cover band The Beagles will be tearing up Club Tam in the Tam O'Shanter (2345 Alta Vista Dr.) Saturday night. Long Beach band 3rd Alley will also be performing ... See Anna Ranger, Calico Sunset, The Stranger's Six, Divide the Day and Swimsuit Rights at the MontGo Friday night ... Mento Buru is shaking it live and all over the place this Saturday at Amigos Restaurant and Cantina. Party starts at 8 p.m. and the show is free ...

Would you like a drinky-poo, my nerdy darling?

When writer nerds attack
























That man? The one trapped in the bubble while the woman laughs? Journalist. A journalist who can't drink the free wine people sent him. Or it's a metaphor for alcoholism. I'm still trying to decide.

I'm not telling you anything new (or maybe you don't know) but writers and journalists particularly love their vices. And for about half of all journalists their weapon of choice is alcohol. (Followed by coffee and cigarettes and for some people, all three.)

While some journalists only have a rudimentary knowledge of the spirits (um ... that would be me) the fun thing about working in a newsroom is nearly everyone in it is a nerd and specializes in some nerd genre.

Like our city reporter could break down "The Lord of the Rings" for you in ten seconds flat with flashcards and maps. He even might speak a little elvish to you. My closest friend at the Cal knows "The X-Files," "Star Trek the Next Generation" like the back of her hand. She can also, as an entertaining party trick, talk in police scanner speak, as she has all the codes memorized. There's a guy on our copy desk who speaks Cantonese. He's not Asian, mind you. He just happens to know Cantonese.

Collectively, we kick all kinds of ass at "Trivial Pursuit" and "Scrabble."

But where do wine and nerds meet, you ask? Well, for the past few days people have been hot footing this gift bag we were sent by poet/writer/punk rock guy Chris Bunyan. I interviewed him once when he came to Jerry's Pizza. He sent us the latest copy of his book "Wake Up To Me Now" and a bottle of Domaine Ste. Michelle. The gift bag everyone wanted but no one wanted at the same time winded up on the new lifestyle editor's desk and we both bemused over whether or not this bottle of champagne neither of us could drink was any good. (We have a strict swag policy at The Californian, it goes a little like, "No swag for you. Donate it to the Goodwill.")

So we held the bottle up to our columnist Herb Benham who took one look at the bottle and was able to tell us that it was a wonderful champagne from Washington State, dry, delicious and a great bargain for about $10. Needless to say, I was impressed. The rule remains the same. Shout a random question in a newsroom and someone will answer.

That said, man, I hate swag I can't keep. Like that autographed poster of the Violent Femmes someone gave me once. Hurt like the dickens.

On the other hand, our executive editor just gave us all free milkshakes since our paper won a first place general excellence award. I suppose it all balances out.

All About Me, Me, Me and My Other Personality

A retrospective on ... um ... me


















Me and the news team ... I'm the black one ...

Nearly four years ago I came to Bakersfield with essentially no money and a job offer to be an education reporter at The Bakersfield Californian. I bounced around a bit before my dream job (entertainment reporter) opened up and gave me the chance to run far, far away from daily reporting to the land of pretty people and rock concerts.

One of my first major to-dos was when I got to give the entertainment report on KBAK. Aah. The memories. I used to get up at the butt crack of dawn and go on KBAK-TV 29 to hang with the homies and chat about local entertainment. Yeah, me, Lisa and The Shoopster. That was super sweet even if I was super sleepy. I actually miss it. Maybe we need to try to get back together. Make our thing solid again. After all, I totally got to bring on jazz musicians and a guy in pink tights dressed as a "flamboyant" Jack Frost.

That woke em up!


Rebecca and Jenitta: two characters from a very elaborate cartoon universe.

For a brief time at The Californian I did illustration work, all based on the fact that I'm a cartoonist and an art school drop out. Although I think they liked my work, it was too hard to juggle it and be the entertainment reporter.

This panel is from my comic strip "Nerd Girl," which I wish I would go back to working on. Oddly enough, I have never scanned in the character from the strip who is actually based on me. "Rebecca," the chick who sits in my bio-box is my happy, alter ego who wears too many colors and likes pink a whole, whole lot. My character, "Maddie," is a nerdy, misanthrope who has bad luck with men. "Jenitta" is a flashy composite of every pretty black girl I knew back in St. Louis who hated me. They were just so pretty and wore such great shoes and thought I was like this geeky troll in their way.

Hate's a strong word. It was more like I didn't exist.

"BAP" by the way stands for "Black American Princess."


Me winning the Bob Hardy scholarship ten-thousand years ago from Southern Illinois University -- Edwardsville.

It wasn't that I didn't try to be a BAP. Good Lord, I did! I dated a Moorehouse man. My hair was long and straight. I bought clothes like a fiend. I wanted those pretty bitches to accept me. But I could not hide the nerdiness no matter what I did. We'd all be sitting around, talking about Louis Vuitton or Tupac when all of a sudden I'd find myself trying to explain the Lost Poets as the grandfathers of rap and quoting "The Revolution Will No Be Televised," then going into an indepth explaination of how us and Europe leaving Germany to rot after WWI paved the way for fascism and the rise of the Nazi party.

Then I'd encourage them to vote or go to class and stop worrying about marrying a member of Alpha Phi Alpha Fratnerity Inc.

Oh yeah. I lost all cool points.


Deidre Marlene Belton, the girl who put the "D" in "diva," my little sister

Of course, Deidre, my baby sis, was born with an obsene amount of cool points. You can't trade them in for cash or anything, but she never has a problem getting dates unlike myself and "Big Sis" who ... Big Sis Denise, when did you last go on a date? I'm at the two year stretch myself.

Of course, I CHOOSE to be alone. Which, of course, is just some garbage lonely people say. Deidre and I are so close that we have to spend long periods of time appart from each other mentally and physically. We love each other, but we still get on one anothers nerves. I think we need to see therapy or something. I keep turning into her mother whenever we're together ... her crazy, depressed, "stage mom" mother. And we both already have a mother who does just dandy at the job (without going on "Sports Kids Moms and Dads" on her). I think it's because I always thought that she had a chance to be liked by those pretty bitches. Hell, she was pretty enough! She can dance. Hell, she majored in theater and dance in college.

Alas, it wasn't meant for any of the Belton sisters to be liked by the BAPs. (The real kind. Not whatever the HELL was in that movie with Halle Berry.) Although Deidre had the aloofness and looks, they didn't like her either.

Damn us with all our brains and OPINIONS!














My old column picture. I don't look like this anymore either, but, well, close enough.

Which is why I chopped off all my hair nearly five years ago and grew out a natural with mixed results. Right now my hair is in a curly bob thing. I don't know what you'd call it. So it's not even that long anymore. I don't worry about the BAPs anymore. I fully embrace my nerdome ...

Although I still love to gab about a Louis Vuitton handbag from time-to-time.

-----------------------------
Thanks anonymous reader for the tip on www.flickr.com! Works great! Problem solved!

FAKE FAMOUS: "How to be Emo"

Everything you wanted to know about being emo. Not to be confused with Sesame Street's Elmo. Elmo is actually cool.

You all know how I like to make fun of emo. Mostly because it's easy and because, to me, all music is emotional. No musical "genre" should get to lay claim to what is essentially the basis of all musical form — to create emotion, to symbolize emotion, to celebrate emotion, to work out emotions. Beethoven made some emotional pieces. Stop coping his style.

That said, a fellow named Christian Bretz along with his buddy Brennan Reed created this funny, 21 minute filmstrip on "How to be emo" in the same vein as those educational films made in the 40s and 50s shown in schools across America. (My hometown of St. Louis actually is home to the largest archive of these archic, government sponsored films that covered everything from drugs to personal hygine to science.)

This little movie should clear up some of those questions for you who may have wondered "What is emo?" And it might also entertain those, like myself, who think it's a bunch of bumpkiss.

Roll film!

WONDERKILLER

Faster pussycat! Kill wonder, kill!


It's OK if you're grown and you love Harry Potter. It's still funny to me, but it's cool.

RUG RAT ALERT: Borders Books is hosting a midnight release of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Princee” July 16. If the excitement over Pottermania won't keep your rug rat alert enough to make it to Borders at midnight maybe your kid doesn't like Harry. Maybe it's just your old ass, dragging him off in his footie pajamas because you can wait to rip into that thing like Anna Nicole Smith on a Christmas ham. Like Tom Cruise on a nosy reporter.

Just all rabid. Pages hanging out your mouth. You shaking your head side to side like a mad animal.

For those who don't know this is the sixth* book in the Potter series. They've all been runaway bestsellers. There will be magic at the 4980 Stockdale Highway store along with the selling of those books. The fun begins at 9 p.m., July 15, where you ... I mean, your kid ... will be able to make dragon masks, do some Bertie-Bott flavor guessing, make dream catchers, do some Harry Potter trivia and some magic potion formulation. And of course, there will be lots of Potter themed snacks to try and buy.

Face painting. Wizard hats. You, I mean your kid, will have SUCH a good time.

RAT PACK NEEDS NEW MEMBERS: The Royal Association of Thespians are looking for new, politically incorrect members for their offensive comedy troupe. They recently put on an offensive comedy musical. And are best known as our own personal, local branch of pranksters. Auditions will go down Saturday, July 16 at The Empty Space (706 Oak St.) from noon to 3 p.m. For more info, call 301-2464. Keep in mind that RAT is "an equal opportunity offender!"

BAKERSFIELD BROS: KNZR's Talk Radio Idol winners, the Bakersfield Bros., will have their first broadcast ever tomorrow on 1560 AM after Dodger baseball, around 2 p.m. They got the job after competing in a talk radio host contest hostd by KNZR personality Ralph Bailey. I was a judge the day the Bako boys went up to bat and I thought they were both the funniest and took the most risks. So they'll keep management on their toes, no doubt. One half of the brothers, Greg Gordon, wrote me to let me know what's what: "Don't be shocked by our youthful Rightward points-of-view or our staunch defense of Bako in the face of encroaching coastal outlanders!" Get acquainted with the Bako Bros., (Greg and Tim) and help them defend the inland on-air. Good luck, guys.

LA LA LA: ... news courtesy of SOYP, due to scheduling conflicts, there will be no Major League Improv this weekend at the Spotlight Theater. Come back next Saturday night at 6 p.m. for some comedy action ... Check out Cedar Street, Screwtape Letters, Applying Pressure, Damien's Day Out and Imago Deus at The Gate this Saturday. Show starts at 7 p.m. and it's only $5 ... The Kookoonaunts' show at The Gate is now 7 p.m. July 16, a week eariler than previously reported ... The Syndicate Lounge's smoking room. Gotta sneek peak today and if the restaurant thing goes off right for her during the expansion that place is gonna be large. Like Mafiosos and lawyers. Just a thing of beauty ... "Closer" is up and running at the Empty Space ... And Diamond Nights bring the glam rock to the MontGo Saturday night. Will you be there? Will you wear glittery pants? ...

* Parental reader pointed out that this is the sixth book. (But swears its the kid's who the fan. The kid!)

Blogger VS Me

Me and my webhost Blogger have always had some issues. All of them surround my problems with trying to post pictures and all the drama that entails. Needless to say, it's a pain in the arse that it won't let me upload pictures, but it's not all Bloggers fault. A lot of it's because I can't download the software I need from Blogger due to me ranking so low on the administrator totem pole at Bakersfield.com. It massively blows.

So I'm considering joining my fellow Californian bloggers at Typepad.com. Of course, not to knock my fellow Californian bloggers, but, dude, the Typepad blogs are so boring in their layout. They're all white and the space is all small for the photos. I like my big, colorful photos. I like my "pink-pink-pink!" background. I like seeing my cartoon character "Rebecca" smiling at me everytime I log on. I don't want to go over there where it all smells like a newsroom.

Or the movie "Office Space."

Decisions. Decisions.

WONDERKILLER

Killing wonder softly with its song

REAL NEWS: Terrorist attacks in London. Read an eyewitness account here courtesy of Slate.com


Bat meets Fox. Butt kicking commences all over the place.

LET'S ALL GO TO THE MOVIES: The Ash sent me a little notice about how the Fox is staring their $1 movie night, kicking it off with none other than the first two major Batman flicks — "Batman" and "Batman Returns." I'm positively giddy with delight as I love Michelle Pfeiffer's turn as Catwoman in "Batman Returns." Plus you get to hear that Danny Elfman score. See Michael Keaton be all OCD in the Batsuit, pre-Joel Schumacher running the franchise into the ground so it could be beautifully reborn again under the guide of director Christopher Nolan. That was a damn fine Bat-movie that "Batman Begins." Christian Bale acted the hell out of that thing. The $1 night will kick off Saturday, July 30. Doors open at 1 p.m. and the show will start at 2 p.m. Naturally to see both flicks it's $2. Then on Aug. 13 they're going to show three Harry Potter flicks: "The Sorcerer's Stone," "The Chamber of Secrets" and "The Prisoner of Azkaban." I'm not a huge Potter person, but Alfonso Cuarón directed the hell out of "Azkaban." I actually enjoyed that sucker. For that show, doors will open at 9 a.m. and the show will start at 10 a.m.

THE SYNDICATE THINKS CLASSY: You know the Syndicate? That posh speakeasy spot coffee/cigar bar at 1818 Eye Street? We'll they're getting ready for some major expansion. Co-owner Reneé Myrick sez they've bought out the old bead shops space next door and will expand into full-on coffee/bar/cigar/restaurant/your-new-favorite-kick-it-spot! I already love the Syndicate. She says the expansion will involve a bigger and better food menu (although the clam chowder, frito boats and chili dogs will remain) with salads and sandwiches. She also has plans to put in a pool table and even some dart boards.

The expansion will keep the same upscale look of the current Syndicate and they'll still hold court in both spaces. And they'll be serving food late, installing a pass-through window to take orders for those late night revelers. Reneé sez she wants her joint to stay delightfully classy, appealing to her downtown, office worker clientele who like to kick it with the best of them. She wants people to know that downtown is safe and fun and with Xander's Grill just up the street and that new Mama Roomba's Caribbean restaurant opening up on the corner, Azul in the alley, things are look tres chic.


Monty (right) jams with David Neuhauser at the KC Fair in 2000.

HE'S BACK: Ms. M dropped me a note and it's official. Monty Byrom will return to Fishlips for his "There's No Place Like Home" show series. The she-bang kicks off Saturday Aug. 6 and he's scheduled to play both Aug. 13 and 20th. Call the Fishlips folks at 324-2557 for more info. Oddly enough, I live below a pair of Byroms who are related to Monty (I think they're all cousins.) I didn't realize this until I accidentally got some of their mail delivered to my box one day and recognized the last name. For those who don't know, Monty used to be the frontman of the band Big House.

MO' STUFF, MO' STUFF, MO' STUFF!: ... Karmahitlist is NOT playing the KRAB Radio show at the MontGo on Saturday. They cancelled on Thursday ... The winners of 1560 KNZR's Talk Radio Idol, "The Bakersfield Brothers" (Greg & Tim Gordon) will begin their new show this Saturday after Dodger Baseball around 2 p.m. Congrats, boys ... Why did the Goo Goo Dolls remake "Give A Little Bit?" So annoying ... Chris Isaac tickets are going fast, people. Word on the street — Only 300 seats are left ... Pass the cigars for music-by-the-minute musician Dr. BLT on the new addition to his family, Kassidy Dawn Thiessen born on July 5, to Bruce Thiessen and his wife Roxie-Frausto Thiessen. In anticipation of this event, naturally, Dr. BLT pre-recorded a song, now for your downloading pleasure on his web site. A re-make of the Paul Anka track (You’re) Havin’ My Baby! ... My homies Beaux "Radio Shack Rahim" Mingus and his lady love Ahm are totally getting married Aug. 13! BLACK LOVE IS SO BEAUTIFUL! Of course, neither of you is black. I just like shouting that from years and years of "black is beautiful" stuff crammed in my head from birth by growing up in St. Louis, Mo. Why waste such good slogans on African American's only? You too can have black pride my Anglo, biracial, Asian, Native American, everything-and-the-kitchen-sink brothers and sisters. But seriously, congrats! For those who don't know, Beaux is the keyboardist in Bakersfield's best kept secret — Shamiq From 212 ...

Like A Rhinestone Rapper ...

When celebrities go to jail — Kimberly Ann Jones


Rhinestone Rapper Lil' Kim: No more bling bling. No more ca-ching ching in Sing Sing.

Famous person Lil' Kim is going to jail. Technically, Kim is famous for being a rap artist, but who raps anymore? Kim is really known as that chick who doesn't wear clothes at awards shows and such. That woman who Diana Ross famously fondled on national television, at the MTV Awards, all slightly drunk and thinking, "Honey, I once posed in see-through, Bob Mackie-designed, diamond-covered, modern art pieces, but you look ridiculous. Boobs go under the shirt, honey. And a rhinestone pasty is not a shirt."


Her bad fashion is legendary. I wonder how all those bikini tops will coordinate with her orange jumpsuit?

Poor Lil' Kim. But hey, live by the rhinestone gangsta life go to jail by the rhinestone gangsta life, I always say. But can you be MAC Viva Glam and still be in the slam — mer? That's what I want to know.

Maybe we should send the Kimster a little prison package to help her survive in the joint. After all, she is diminutive and a year is a mighty long time when you've gotten used to wearing mink while sippin' champagne with diamonds in the glass, Moet by the case, the meaning of expensive taste?

Maybe Martha Stewart could give her some ideas? Like how to crochet little cozies for her friend's Uzis? A little pink gun tote. That might be nice. I bet they have an "how to knit an Uzi cover" kit at Target by now? You can make a bikini and a yoga bag. Why not a nice little softie for your sawed off shotgun? Maybe Kim could get on the good side her fellow inmates by teaching classes on how to survive years in the rap game based on sex appeal, being the mistress of a dead rapper and hype? Throw in her love for blonde weaves and Lil' Kim's our modern day Marilyn Monroe ... with a gat in her lap, spreading like syphilis across the populace with her catchy rhymes. (All my favorite Lil' Kim rhyme couplets are too profane to write here, but I always enjoyed her joint on Puff Daddy and the Family's biggest hit "It's All About the Benjamins," and latter hit on Ma$e's album, back when he cursed for a living, the Rhinestone gangsta classic, "Will They Die 4 You?" Which I used to bump when I was exercising.)


Is that RuPaul? No! It's the Q-to-the-B-to-the-Mother-Lovin'-E-E!

Lil' Kim hasn't done a song worth mentioning since Biggie died and stopped writing her lyrics. I mean, she had "Magic Stick," but let's be honest. That's all about 50 Cent on there. She, at that point, was like some desperate exploited porno flower clinging on to 50's Rhinestone gangsta, bullet-ridden chest for dear life screaming, "Please, please, please let me be the Bonnie to your Clyde! The Yo-Yo to your Ice Cube! The Lauryn Hill to your Wyclef! The Lil' Kim to your Biggie!"

Sad really.

It's a far cry from when she started out, the only person worth paying any attention to out of all of Junior M.A.F.I.A. (Lil' Cease anyone?) who largely sucked bollocks without Kimster and Biggie. I've always been convinced that when De La Soul spit out the lyric "the only Italians you knew was Icee" on "Itsoweeze (Hot)" they were referring to Junior M.A.F.I.A. And I won't even get into what Tupac said about them and their mothers and offspring in "Hit Em Up."

As someone who literally stopped listening to most mainstream rap around 2001 (save Kanye West, Mos Def, various Prince Paul productions and Princess Superstar), I can't say I'm all broke up over the Kim. I have no time for the fake ones or the Rhinestone Rappers. You can't have shoot outs in front of radio stations and not expect to get pinched. But her time is light. She's not like Shyne. All sitting up in the joint getting moldy for taking that hit for P.Diddy. Or Slick Rick, all getting deported. No one is trying to kick the Kimster out of America (although I'm sure some would.) And she didn't go out like Biggie, dead. So this isn't the end of the world. And she's relatively young. She has a lot to give, besides ample viewing of her boobs and crotch at the BET Awards. I'm thinking maybe it's time she started a new career. Maybe we can think of one for Lil' Kim, together, that she could study in a correspondence course from the joint. Any ideas?

I'm thinking — Food service worker. Huh? It's an honest living? Hollywood madam? It worked for Heidi? Ideas? Suggestions?

Heart Shaped World

Only 300 tickets left for Chris Isaac's performance at the Fox. Last chance for romance!

That's funny

Oh, That's funny ...

It's the Milkshaketh and it brings all the folks to the blog — as seen on Pinkth Is The New Blog.

In other horrible news, the e-mail follies have caused my Chris Isaak interview notes to disappear into quite possibly, perpetuity. Damn it! Damn perpetuity! And it was a good interview and everything. He was all funny and sexy and he made jokes and we laughed and laughed. He invited you all out the show.

Well, he invited me. But he invited you too. In spirit. Why e-mail! Why did you have to crashth and destroyth my lifeth! Into all perpetuity ... All my phone contacts are gone. E-mail contacts. My cell phone numbers for Cyndi Lauper and Snoop Dogg's lackey. Bo Derek's e-mail address. My list of "Words of the week."

My words of the WEEK, ya'll! I've been collecting them from before I even started writing Word on the Street! Now the only big, crummy word I can think of was my "word of the week" courtesy of UPN's Top Model -- perpetuity.

Perpetuity. It means "forever." As in, my cell phone number for Brian "Head" Welch may be gone forever ...

I gotta get myself together, ya'll, I'm all kinds of verklempt.

WONDERKILLER

Die! Wonder, die!


Is that a mesh top? Oh dear Lord, it is! I'm so Disturbed.

LET THE CHAOS BEGIN: Prepare your ears for bleeding now. Tickets are going sale this Saturday at 10 a.m. for the Aug. 4 show of metal rock act Disturbed. They'll be playing the MontGo Plaza. The tickets will only be available for purchase at Bakersfield Wireless in the East Hills Mall (center court) and there's a four ticket limit. Tickets are $22 a pop. Promoter Tim Gardea is expecting the tickets to fly fast and furious (he knows how you kids love yer ears bloodied and deaf), but if for some reason you don't go rabid over Disturbed bashing into town, tickets will go on sale July 5th on-line and at World Records, Wavelengths, Impact, Mainland's, Outerlimits and the East Hills Bakersfield Wireless. Want more info? Call 321-9400.


Tim Gardea's got more shows than P. Diddy's got clothes. Meet Diamond Nights — a band that's one pair of glittery leather pants away from "pleasure town."

TIM GARDEA CAN'T STOP: With the rock shows. I was on the phone with him this morning and it was all rock this, rock that ... $5 shows with KRAB Radio at the MontGo starting Saturday, July 9 with dollar beers, pizza and the future of Glam rock (ah ... Glam rock) Diamond Nights in the house. Tim swears they're new, they're hot and a cross between Queens of the Stone Age and Thin Lizzy. (I'm not going to front. I like Queen -- not the Stone Age kind but Freddie Mercury falsetto in hot pants, gayer than a San Francisco Gay Pride parade Queen -- so Diamond Nights sounds like angelic hymns to crotch rock godliness compared to the usual screaming that passes for music in these parts. (I'm not going to lie to you, ye fans of Disturbed and my Big Sis — I hate metal. It doesn't have a good beat and you can't dance to it.) In other news, these boys-without-shirts-with-falsettos will be playing with The Rainman Suite, Karmahitlist and Halfmoon Drive. Wanna take a listen to Diamond Nights? Click here.

CAN YOU TELL TIM GARDEA CALLED ME TODAY?: And left me a bunch of e-mails? You're noticing a theme, right? The theme is "Tim Gardea called me today and left me a bunch of emails." Like how for the new KRAB shows at the MontGo they'll play the CDs of local bands on the air the week of the show and how they're teaming up with Brighthouse cable to film the shows then air them on the same channel that shows the high school sports games. He also told me that the Bakersfield Thunder Run (the bike show over Father's Day weekend) kicked all kinds of ass and more than 10,000 people rolled through the two-day event at the Fairgrounds. Tim says they're definitely planning to do this again for as long as they can do it and always on Father's day weekend. And he also told me that these fellows are coming to the MontGo this weekend: July 5 Strangers Die Everyday, Naive, Morning Ashes, Youmaydieinthedesrt and Signal Hill; July 6 Quarterhourse, Sioux City Sarsaparilla, Norfolk, Cecilia In Red and Dante Esperanza


A blast from Monty's past — his old band Little Elvis. Can you guess which one of these shaggy-haired rockers is the Full Monty?

MONTY-PALOOZA: Proving that Tim Gardea isn't the only person who called me today Ms. M also phoned to let me know that former Big House frontman Monty Byrom's return to the stage after a "daddy-and-me" hiatus is official. He's heading back to Fishlips (1517 18th St.) on Aug. 6, 13 and 20. His threats to take the mike again and wreck all sorts of havoc will come to fruition, Ms. M assured me. She also assured me that there was nothing wrong with my fatal love for disgusting dollar Totino's cardboard pizza.

IN OTHER WONDERS: ... E-mail still spotty at the Cali. Reporters and editors continue to moan and kvetch ... Fishlips finally has a web site. Pop the champagne and pass around the fried fish. Ms. M promises that they will update it religiously. Does this mean Shawna, the Fishlips everywoman, and the internet are finally friends? ... Tom Cruise still holding Katie Holmes captive, but this may work in his favor after all according to Defamer.com ... Funk masters Fat Bob are back at Gumbeaux's where they belong. Smuv and the gang take the stage July 9. I'll go if Smuv promises never, ever to hit on me again. Ever ... I got my Chris Isaak tickets and I ain't sharin' ... Gatsbys American Dream will be playing Jerry's Pizza on August 9th ... I keep getting calls from folks about local promoter Nate Berg's "hiatus" from Jerry's. Dudes! I know! I already blogged about it! As a result of his absence promoter's now flock to Jerry's en masse to book shows. Rumors abound that Berg's run off to Fresno or moved to Canada and all other sorts of Loony Toons crap I don't believe ... And that's the news, people! May your fourth of July rock the socks! I've got beer, parties and rock 'n' roll to cozy up to and get all friendly-like with, so I'll see ya'll at the Honey Comb Hideout come Tuesday ...