WONDERKILLER

Because even though the e-mail totally crashed at The Californian I still have useless info to dispense ...


Lucy! You got some 'splain to do!

ANGRY LITTLE JOURNALISTS: The e-mail system crashed at The Californian yesterday totally messing up "Wonderkiller" in amazing ways. So if you e-mailed dirt to me and I didn't get it, well, blame technology. CURSE YOU TECHNOLOGY! Anyway ... here's yer (abbreviated) info.

THE BAKERSFIELD BOYS: A while back I was on KNZR radio talk show host Ralph Bailey's show as a guest judge on "Talk Show Idol." There I, along with Mack Wimbish and the other judges picked The Bakersfield Boys as one of the finalists in their radio competition of amatuers trying to get their own talk show. Well, KNZR listeners already know that The Bakersfield Boys won the whole shebang and now, according to officials with Buckley Radio (which owns KNZR) the Boys will be hitting the air in July, possibly after Dodgers games. Congrat, guys.

SING-A-LONG BUCK: About 175 folks showed up to sing along with Buck Owens for a CMT special on the 20 greatest city songs. Of course, they sang "The Streets of Bakersfield." Californian reporter homie Stephanie Tavares wrote a story on it. Like to read it? Here it is!

BAG O' CRAP: With JR gone, the folks at Buckley Radio are looking for a new drive time DJ at KLLY "Kelly" 95.3 FM ... Bunky Spurling and his band Okra will play Gumbeaux's on Chester Ave. this Saturday. Bunky is all about the blues. Last year he opened for BB King at the Fox ... Local comic Russ McGaffin is going to play the historic Friar's Club in Los Angeles Friday, July 8th as part of a stand-up comedy show ... More news when I get my stinkin' e-mail back, Bakerinos!

Look Ma! Hobohemians!

Like Snuffaluffagus, I am real and Nick Belardes got a picture of me chatting with The Blackboard's Francis Mayer late Tuesday night outside of Azul waiting on my friend AJ the DJ. For those who can't tell I'm the black chick on the right.

hobohemian: n. 1. a chronically underemployed, sometimes nomadic artist. 2. anyone who works, acts or directs at The Empty Space 3. a writer who is technically broke, yet somehow manages to keep from being homeless (see "Danielle Belton")

You know you're a "hobohemian" if —

... You can quote the resume of obscure film directors but don't know who won the last Super Bowl ...

... you've actually seen a Kurosawa film ...

... your Chuck All-Stars aren't just shoes, but a religion ...

... you think that everything new sucks and you have detailed reasons why ...

... you've worn something out of "irony" ...

... you've worn something stupid that you actually loved, but said you wore it out of "irony" to avoid ridicule ...

... more than once in your life a relative has suggested that you either A) cut your hair B) shower C) stop being so whiny D) see a therapist E) stop dicking around and get a real f-ing job ...

... you plan nothing ...

... you own a Nick Drake album ...

... you think Tori Amos is hot and you're mad at everyone who started liking Johnny Depp, like, yesterday because he was in that pirate movie. What about "Dead Man" people! DEAD MAN! ...

... all your music is on vinyl ...

... you make your own clothes ...

... you've always depended on the kindness of strangers ...

... you sometimes speak in rhyme couplets ...

... you smoke clove cigarettes and drink beers that cost more than your shoes, which you got for free at a garage sale ...

... you think paying rent, taxes or bills is optional ...

... you're not gay, but everyone thinks you are anyway and you somehow make that work in your favor every time ...

WONDERKILLER

Because I don't know ... honestly, I just don't know, but I'm telling you anyway



YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT YOU DON'T LIKE ME: It's official. If you want to get on TV with Buck Owens tomorrow is your chance. After a chat with the president of Bakersfield's Convention and Visitor's Bureau chief Don Jaeger, it's been confirmed that CMT is coming to B-town to film footage for it's Top 20 best city songs special to air in August. This Wednesday (that's tomorrow folks) Owens will sing his hit “Streets of Bakersfield” with the people of Bakersfield. CMT needs 100 to 300 people to participate in the sing-a-long. Jaeger says you don't need to be a vocalist, they just want "regular folks." To participate be at the Crystal Palace parking lot by 5:30 p.m. tomorrow. The sing-a-long will take place underneath the famed Bakersfield sign. The shoot will begin at 6 p.m.



THURSDAY SECTION PREVIEW: If you've been reading "Wonderkiller" the last few days you already know what's in WOTS. But if you just miss me referring to me in the third person, knock yourself out. Also in the section will be my desk neighbor Mark Barna's annual Fireworks Spectacular story. Also be sure to check out my review of the bar "Azul" in "In Da Club," the column that comes and goes as it pleases like a drunk at Mardi Gras.

CASTING CALL: Can you commit? Do your parents disapprove of the man you’ve chosen to marry? Do you want to prove to your Mom and Dad that your fiancé is a good guy? A casting agency is putting together a TV series for a "major network" and are looking for engaged or "committed" couples for a show their putting on. Casting agent Jacqueline Shakta of Bakersfield said she really wanted to try to cast some B-town folks for this "real life romantic comedy" with potential in-law drama. Interested? Sounds like a reality show version of "Newlyweds" meets "Everybody Loves Raymond" to me, except participants share a minimum of $20,000 in compensation for their troubles. Click here to apply on-line or call the casting hotline at (866) 633-2408.

IT'S A GAS: Fans of the old Melodrama, musical theater, popcorn and David Zent ARISE! It's all coming back as the Gaslight Melodrama Theatre & Music Hall is preparing for its "Grand Opening" Friday, Aug. 26. Yours truly was invited so I'm clearing my calendar now. Owned by Linda Larma and Arnie Carlos with shows by Zent, folks have high hopes for the Melodrama. The new theater is located at 12748 Jomani Dr. in Rosedale and promises vaudeville revues, comedies and food n' drink at the Moose Head Lounge (but this ain't no dinner theater.) Naturally, I'll let you know what I think, but if you'd like to call up the Gaslight folks for the 411, give them a jingle-jangle at 587-3377.

GUITAR HEROES: Fishlips (1517 18th St.) is putting together three nights of guitar worship in July. Featuring Wolf Mail for $5 on Thursday, July 14; the legendary Link Wray (think theme music for "Pulp Fiction" — that's Link Wray) for $30 on Friday and LA Jones & the Blues Messengers on Saturday. The Fishlips folks are calling it a "Guitar Vacation." Call 324-2557 for more info.

ODDS 'N' ENDS: This Friday Joe Wood is playing Dagny's Coffee Co. from 6 to 8 p.m. Grab some java and kick out some jams with the other tragic hipsters ... "Prolific conservative" Dr. BLT is like Puff Daddy — When it comes to music he "can't stop, won't stop." Another news inspired ditty for your enjoyment — this one's on the Ten Commandments which apparently "percolated" in BLT's head last night. Now mixed with hip hopped hymns for your pleasure "Hey Moses (They're Takin' Down Your Ten Commandments) ... Jerry's Pizza promoter Nate Berg says he's on "hiatus" from his gig with Jerry's. Those who want to hear the word's straight from the man himself, click here and scroll through the comments section ... FAKE FAMOUS ALERT: Did you notice McCright Agency model/actress Aliina Johnson on the billboard along Chester Avenue before you hit the Albertson's on Brundage? Congrats, Aliina! She modeled for fashion sections in The Californian twice and starred in the Spotlight's production of "A Few Good Men" last year ... Interviewed Chris Isaak today and I've decided that I'm marrying him and no one can stop me. Kidding, kidding, but serious, Chris said he totally hangs out after shows to sign autographs so he wanted me to personally invite all of you down to get good seats so you can see all his "fineness" in person. (He didn't say the world "fineness" that was me) ... Cheerio, Bakerinos!


Baby did a bad, bad thing!

FAKE FAMOUS: AZUL

Blue Cool at Azul


Azul, 1514 Wall St. Alley
* * * * out of five stars

Last Tuesday my homey AJ called me up and invited me out to Azul to check out the new bar (the former Paco's Tacos.) Needless to say the place looked gorgeous. It's owned and operated by two married couples, Rocio Diaz her husband, her brother and his wife. It's a family affair.

Diaz said so far the bar has been getting by on word of the mouth (perhaps they haven't meet "Word on the Street" yet. She's like word-of-mouth on crack.) But they were working on building a clientele. Personally, with a lighted stage, moderately priced drinks and nice folks, I can see it getting just as crowded as Paco's used to on a Friday night.

Diaz feels they're in prime location. You've got the Alley Cat, Alley Dogs, Jerry's, Riley's, Downtown Records, The Spotlight, Kosmos, Naked Al's Tattoo, The Syndicate coffee and cigar lounge and a new Caribbean restaurant preparing to open on the corner of Eye and the Wall Street Alley all in the same hot spot.

"Business brings business. We're excited," Diaz said.

With Stars, Dagny's, Xander's, Fishlips and Gumbeaux's not so far away, the whole area around Chester and 18th is getting funky in a good way. All we need is that priest to bless the old Downtown Joe's/Bullpen, exorcise those demons and we've got ourselves a funky town going. (And ownership is changing on what remains of Downtown Joe's. Pray for a place where people can party and not become mortally wounded.)

Right now any kid with an amp and a dream can get a gig playing Azul's. Diaz said they want the bar to be local music friendly. For now they're searching for local independent acts to play the bar, as well as local DJs.


It's the rock stylings of Dante Esperanza, doing psychedelic country/folk about Oildale.

The night I was there AJ, who invited me and bears a passing resemblance to Daryl Hall from late 70s Hall & Oates. AJ was formerly the DJ of Xander's, but he had some issues with the all-80s all the time policy there. Also at Azul's was my vintage record, soul music loving amigo Joe (we bonded over Marcus Garvey and how crappy pop rap music is ruining America) and bands Dante Esperanza and Friends with Robots.

Dante was all the way live. I love hearing good music about Bakersfield. People really don't appreciate the art of lyric writing, but Dante kept it pure and entertaining. I chatted with the band and apparently the lead singer and I bonded once in Gigantic Vintage's old spot on 19th Street about anti-depressants and my disgusting ex-husband. I completely forgot I'd told him about this and asked if I were drunk. He insisted that I was completely sober that evening, just chatty.

Me and my big mouth.

But to get on Azul's stage, Diaz said a band just needs to contact them. They like all kinds of music. "Everything's good," Diaz said.


Friends with Robots really like their computer love.

Friends with Robots, an electronic two piece got digital and provided some fascinating beats, but the show stopper was when one half of the duo, Nuñez (Jose Alejandro -- the one in the striped shirt) got all romantico with his ballad "Dios Mio." Which was, for lack of a better word — friggin' awesome. All ballads sound better in Spanish, French and Italian. English, love the language, is nice, but doesn't always lend well to music. You could sing the dictionary in Spanish and it would sound good to me. Plus, you can say things in Spanish, Italian and French that would just sound dumb in English or German (which English is quite similar to). For instance, Jose told me he song was about a love for a woman so beautiful the moon and the rivers were jealous of her. You can't sing that in English. You'd get laughed off the stage. Moan it in Spanish and you've got babymaking music. Go, Alejandro. Make those babies.

That said. Azul has three alternative music nights a week starting with Tuesdays where you can get your beer for about $2 (depending on what beer you order.) It's all alternative featuring indie, punk, soul, psychedelic, nu-wave, no-wave, garage and more.

Wednesday is $1 draft night with the open-mic action. (But you need to dial 634-9400 if you want to take the stage.)

Thursday is "Electric" night, featuring "Adventures in Modern Music" with house, funk, tech, dub, electronica, downtempo, drum&bass and more, featuring the DJ-stylings of Pat Solo (yeah) and Sabrina Sabertooth (whoo-hoo), that dude Phil from Dagny's.

RULING: Azul's has a back patio for smokers, a blue themed decor, several large TV screens for music videos, sporting events, whatever. It's sparkly clean. It also has lots of beer and supports the indie rock scene (although they admitted that some Britney Spears crap might show up on the weekends with the drunk and half-nekkid crowd shows up on Saturday night.) That aside, they get the seal of approval!

Wrong, wrong ...

... just all kinds of wrong!

(but funny still, it's from Michelle Collins' "You Can't Make This Up Blog")

And this is funny too ... (but it makes noise ...)

Byrom, Bakersfield and other questions you didn't ask, answered!

WONDERKILLER
The place where wonder goes to die ...


Can't keep a Byrom or a Buck down: Monty Byrom and Buck Owens at the Crystal Palace New Years 1999.

MONTY! MONTY!: Local blues rocker Monty Byrom is threatening to start playing around town again. I received a call today from his publicist Ms. M that the former Big House frontman is tanned, rested and considering returning to the stage. The last time I wrote about Monty he was expecting a new baby and a big new concert series with Fishlips. Well, the baby bounced out the same night as the concert and it had to be cancelled. Monty, since then, has been spending time with baby. Now that the kid is at 10 months Ms. M says he's possibly ready to start playing around town again.

STREETS OF BAKERSFIELD: There's a-rumor a-roaming that country music cable network CMT is doing a special on the 20 greatest city songs and that our own "Streets of Bakersfield" by Buck Owens may be amongst them. The network is supposed to be stopping by in town next week to shoot various shots of our fair city for an upcoming TV program.

STUFF N' JUNK: ...PJ's Jazz and Blues Club downtown (1927 K St.) is starting a "chicken n' waffles" night on Thursday's at 7 p.m. ... "10" actress Bo Derek totally supports her man, actor John Corbett's country career. When I needed a picture of him she personally e-mailed it to me herself. That's love. John opens for Josh Turner at the Crystal Palace tonight ... The Jungle Cafe (700 Truxtun Ave.) hoppin'. It's working line-dancing lessons and karaoke on Mondays, family night on Tuesdays, disco on Wednesdays and is rocking the old school, funk, classic rock, jazz, dance music and more Friday and Saturday nights ... Two people were kind enough to send my directionally challenged ass directions to all-ages rock venue The Gate. Thanks Rob and Debbie!


I like Flipsyde! Really!: Flipsyde fans don't hate me for making fun of their clothes yesterday! Jokes they were! Jokes! I keed! I keed! I snark out of love!

QUOTABLE: From political, Oakland hip hop act Flipsyde's Piper on how Flipsyde was born: "Long story short, it was Soundwave Studios. It's a rehearsal studio in Oakland. All different types of bands are there, heavy metal, punk, hip hop. We all started hanging out at the bar together. Started playing music. Everyone liked what we were doing. Next thing you know we're a band."

Oh my goodness? Could it be true?

... do I, *gasp,* suck?

Lately I've been beset by two unhappy campers who think I suck. They took the time to tell me this on my blog. I believe one even to took the time to run over to Drama Rama to tell them how much they sucked as well. You know? Just in case they were getting all high and mighty with their trying to put on theater in Bakersfield with a budget of $12 and no support. How dare they do something purely out of love! Those bastards! Let's demand they stop trying to bring themselves and others joy right now!

As someone who used to receive mail from the Klan back when I wrote political columns in college, the whole "you suck" thing really doesn't bother me. Death threats are far creepier. So "you suck" is actually kind of funny. Mostly because I don't really think I'm hot stuff anyway so it's weird that someone wants to knock me down a few pegs. I'm only 5'3", folks. I can't get much shorter.

Yet, I think I'm good enough to procure employment and enough people like me to keep me employed. Therefore it's only natural that I'm going to get on the occasional bad side of a reader. It comes with the territory.

But I don't blame these people. They have a right to their opinion. To them, I suck. I'm on the crack rock and I have no idea what I'm talking about. And they have their reasons. But who hasn't said that something once sucked in their lives? Who hasn't seen/watched/heard/read/met someone who they felt utterly, utterly sucked? Just blew. I mean, you were like, "man, I really don't like this and I don't need a reason why not to like it — I just don't. You just suck! Why won't you stop existing, ye who doth sucketh so profoundly!"

Well, in the spirit of people who think I suck, yet for some reason, subject themselves to me, my blog and The Californian, here is my list of things I think suck for utterly no reason other than it's my opinion that I hateth these things so profoundly.


The Phantom of Suck: It's nothing personal, Andrew. You're mega rich and worldwide people love you. I just think your musicals suck. No big.

1. Meta-Thespian Andrew Lloyd Webber: As a theater reviewer I cannot avoid this man and his horrible, horrible works. With "Jesus Christ Superstar" as the sole exception everything that Webber has ever written, produced or even sneezed in the general direction of has sucked profusely.

2. Actor Taye Diggs: For no reason at all. Literally. No reason, I can't stand actor Taye Diggs. Maybe it's because he ... no. There's no reason. No reason at all.

3. Rapper Ludacris: He was wearing a Marcus Garvey T-shirt during a video he shot in Africa with big-booty dancing girls. What's next? MLK doing the robot? Ludacris you doth suck in thine eyes.

4. Domino's Pizza: Worst. Pizza. Ever.

5. Star Wars: I really want to like it. I really do. But I'm just gonna say it risking the ire of nerds everywhere. Star Wars sucks. The acting is wooden. The stories are all ripped off from other people and with the newer films I more and more become convinced that it was really George Lucas who directed "Battlefield Earth."

6. Actor Corey Feldman: Do I need to explain that?

7. The novel "Great Expectations:" It was the only book I ever cried because I had to finish reading it. I know it's a literary classic and to me it is an literary classic where all the women are harpies and it sucks.

8. TV show "Friends:" I hated pretending to like that show just so I wouldn't have to hear people go, "How can you not like 'Friends?'" Easy! I don't.

9. The film "Master and Commander:" Made me want to poke out my eyes with boredom.

10. All Carl's Jr. commercials: They've never made me want to actually eat that food. If anything I will eat anywhere but Carl's Jr. because of those commercial.

11. The St. Louis Cardinals: Just because it's my hometown doesn't mean I have to like the team.

12. Baseball: Just because I was raised in a baseball town doesn't mean I have to like the game.

13. Director John Singleton: I hated "Boyz in the Hood." So there. Haven't liked one film he's ever made. I find him bland and lacking in imagination.

14. TV cartoon "Family Guy:" Wow. A really dumb, fat offish cartoon dad. You know? That's brilliant and it was called "The Simpsons." (Although the evil baby is genius, for me "Family Guy" is like season 10 of "The Simpsons" — funny, but not really that funny.)

15. The music of the Wu-Tang Clan: It sounds like someone is murdering a housecat.

16. The music of John Mayer: Wow. It's just like Dave Matthews Band, only it manages to suck even more.

17. Tucker Carlson's bow tie: Ill advised, buddy.

18. Political talk shows were people yell at each other: You're hurting America!

19. Fake musical genre Emo: defies classification of how much it sucks.

And finally ...

20. Kid peeing on things bumper decals: Nothing says "Klassy" with a "K" like a little kid peeing on something.

So join in! Celebrate the suckiness! Relish in it! Proudly announce "I did NOT LIKE IT!" And feel no shame in the comments section below. And if you did not like me, I apologize. I absolve you from ever having to read me again. I promise, I won't lock you up in my basement and force you to read WOTS, hobbling your legs like a power mad Kathy Bates in "Misery." I won't ... this week ... next week anything could happen.

Problem Solved!

Thanks to my trusty friends at The Californian and a good Samaritan reader (thanks Mark!) I was able to solve the picture mystery. Everything should be coming up roses now.

As a treat for putting up with a weird, picture-less blog, have a word of the day.

recalcitrant: adj. Marked by stubborn resistance to and defiance of authority or guidance. OTHER FORMS: recalcitrance, recalcitrancy

"The child posessed a recalcitrant demeanor whenever his parent's tried to discipline him."

Bakersfield Ninjas

Tracy Hedra, you crafty little video vixen. You tried to play it off like you guys didn't finish this thing. But I found it on Nick Belardes' web site and it's HILARIOUS!

And now I share it with you ... Bakersfield Ninjas. Tracy initially asked me to be down with this project by playing "Maya Angelou." I declined. Not because I don't like Tracy. I think she's super fab, but I don't act. It's one of my Meatloaf, "I would do anything for love (of art), but I won't act. No, no! I won't act! (In an independent comedy skit)."

Anyway, it's a gut-busting good time. And it's got that guy in there who was my hot male model for my summer fashion spread! And it's got that other guy who went on TV with me dressed in pink tights at, like, 6 a.m. at KBAK-TV to promote "Hurry Up, Santa!"

Don't you people run from me! I will find you and I WILL put you on my blog!

Ha! HA! See you at Blockbuster, Tracy!

WONDERKILLER

Because even though you don't want to know, I'm telling you anyway ...


He's selling out seats in Bakersfield — Ron White.

THEY CALL HIM "TATER SALAD": Tickets to see blue collar comic Ron White are selling out like mad. Rumor has it White's Aug. 15 show at The Rabobank has already sold 2,000 out of the 3,000 seats in the theater. Tickets are still available through the Rabobank box office and through Ticketmaster.

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT: Local music promoter Nate Berg pled no contest after being charged with burglary and attempted burglary Tuesday. Both chargers were misdemeanors. According to documents filed by the Superior Court of California - Kern County, Berg was arrested on Sunday and was later sentenced on Tuesday to 15 days in jail. He was in for about three and was placed on three years probation. On Thursday Berg admitted he was in jail for a bit, but was back out and working. Berg is the music promoter at popular late night rock venue Jerry's Pizza and Pub.

MUSIC MAN: The mad Right-wing songwriter Dr. BLT has a new single up on his site. The man can't stop! He won't stop! He's like the Puffy Daddy of Republicans. Check out his new joint "Blog n' Roll" here. Dr. BLT has a new album out as well "Teen In Between" which includes his dittys on Brian "Head" Welch leaving Korn and the debacle at Downtown Joe's that resulted in a man's death earlier this year.

RANDOM ROUND-UP: ... DJ Pat Solo and Sabrina Sabertooth are now tearing up the joint at the new "Azul" bar and club (1514 Wall St. Alley). They're DJ-ing the Thursday night "Electric: Adventures in Modern Music" gig. You may remember Sabrina. She's the chick who designs the super cool, outré vintage clothes. She's also a great cook. I went to a X-mas party at her house once. It was sweet ... Street Level Productions is back. The R&B/Hip hop DJs are out hitting the streets will be turning Senor Pepe's (the old Red Pepper off Coffee Rd, behind Wal-Mart in Rosedale) and El Rio Restaurant (6051 White Ln.) into "LA-style" nightclubs on Friday and Saturday nights. Friday they will be at Senor Pepe's. Then on Saturday they break it on down at El Rio. Chuck Arias, the man behind Street Level Productions says they're "trying to bring whole different flavor to town."

LAST CHANCE: "The Texas Trilogy" and "An Adult Evening of Shel Silverstein" are both in their closing weekends at the Empty Space.

QUOTABLE: Actor-now-country-singer John Corbett on his mid-life career change and people's negative reactions to him leaving Hollywood for Nashville: "I'm just f--ing bored with what I'm doing. These interviews are weird. People don't hear the irony in my voice. The laughing. I want to tell people I'm out there playing music. (I was so concerned about) being politically correct as an actor. Wanting to be liked. I'm really at that f--k it place. This is how a feel about playing. This is how I feel about acting and if you don't like it? You'll live your life and I'll live mine."

WONDERKILLER

Killing your wonder, one meaningless piece of information at a time ...


John Corbett: That's hot.

... You clamoured to see his "Northern Exposure" and fulfilled your fantasies of "Sex in the City." Then he married your fat, but cute ass in a "Big Fat Greek Wedding." Now he's come to croon country music to you. Yes friends, back for the second time to the Crystal Palace for what is rumored to be his third performance ever this Friday — Bo Derek's boyfriend, John Corbett ... If you wondered where KLLY 95.3 FM's former DJ JR Hall went he's recently taken a job in Northeast, Penn., about an hour outisde of Philly and NYC. It's a top 40 station and he'll be doing the afternoon drive at WBHT-FM. At the new station JR won't be JR anymore (that region has a JR) so he's going by Ryan now ...


Brian "Head" Welch

...Former Korn guitarist Brian "Head" Welch is in India spreading the love as he continues his grand, world tour of self-discovery and love after leaving the kagillion album selling, Bako hard rock proprietors, so stop asking me if he's dead cause he's alive and kickin' ... Korn is busy recording their new album sans Brian and it's tentatively scheduled to drop at the end of the year. They have no plans on replacing Head ... Korn is NOT recording in B-town. Their management says they are in Hollywood making musical magic on a disk they hope will be their best ever ...


The Disney musical: Aida.

... ATTENTION ETHINIC SINGERS AND ACTORS: Auditions for Disney's "Aida" start July 16. BMT needs you. This is an Elton John score so only the strong need apply ... Local actress Helen Prine had to learn the music and lines quick as the lead of Fanny Brice in the Stars Theatre Restaurant production of "Funny Girl." It seems the theater was originally going to go with an equity player, but it just got too pricy, and the local song-n-dance gal was brought in to fill her shoes ... The Rabobank totally put the kibosh on the Bakersfield Music Theatre's plans for Andrew Lloyd Webber's "CATS." The local theater troup had plans to tackle the feline musical, but The Rabobank announced its new theater series that would bring "CATS" to B-town just one month before the BMT show. Rather than compete with a traveling group of professional actors, BMT has altered their schedule. They're doing "The Wizard of Oz" instead ... The Dusk Devils are opening for guitar legend Link Wray July 15 at Fishlips. Naturally, they're psyched ... Local actress/director/Lil'-Miss-EVERYTHANG Ashley Bretz (the Ashley half of the AshJen) has taken on a job with the Fox Theater handling promotions. Don't know the Ash? Here's why she will go down in 'Fake Famous in Bakersfield' history ... Local downtown cajun eatery Gumbeaux's almost bit the big one this month but at the last minute a buyer came through and Mike Thibodeaux's hushpuppies n' creme bruele will continue to flow freely downtown ... Hot spots of the week: Azul (the old Paco's Tacos), Xander's Grill on 19th Street and Club Tam at the Tam O' Shanter. Be there or be nowhere, my little mochachinos! ...

And did I mention Chris Isaak? Mmm ... Chris Isaak ... He's coming to town. See the blog below, mochacinos!

Chris Isaak is coming ...

Mmmm ... Chris Isaak. He's coming to the Fox. Get yer tickets here.

Extreme Band Makeovers

As an entertainment reporter I receive tons of promo material on bands — whether they're coming to town or not. And what always fascinates me are the photos they include in their promo material. The photos are almost always indistinguishable — a bunch of guys with artully glued, bed-head hair wearing crappy T-shirts. They usually have on Chuck All-Stars (the footwear of choice) and they either A) Look wistful because they think they're profound and write meaningful lyrics; B) Look angry because they break stuff on stage and used to be a 12th century vampire; C) Look like they might rob you ("We're from the hood, yo!"); D) Look like what would happen if Ashton Kutchner and blink-182 had a baby (Everybody do the "Punk'd!"); or E) Look like they play lots and lots of EverQuest and read Tolkien.

Mind you, they're still all wearing the same crappy T-shirts. It's like how gold sequins and eye shadow used to be the uniform in the 80s. Today the look is "I'm broke — with a message!" Now, I'm not critiquing their music. Heck, I think I might like a few of these fellows. But the pics, guys? Are you all using the same cameraman? Did you all shop at the same Goodwill? How many vintage Iron Madien T-shirts are there in the world?

So I want to help them out. Give them a new look to match their musical style. Something to set them apart from the pack so I'll stop just throwing their press kits in the garbage without even listening to the CD. That's why I'm offering — BAND PHOTO MAKEOVERS! (Because you all can't wear the same crappy T-shirts.)

EXHIBIT "A": LUX COURAGEOUS



ANALYSIS: These guys are playing Jerry's Pizza July 12, and with band member names like PJ Tepe, Adam LoPorto, Chris Valentino and Jani Zubkovs it's got to be good. They just sound like they can write some music, but can they take a picture? Well, one guy has "Farrah hair" and they're definitely working the "wistful" like any band with paperback romance novel names would. This band also has three members with light blonde/light brown hair. They're definitely not going to get too dark on their music with all that sun and Ashton-ness going on with Farrah-Hair over there. Their music is hard to pin down. Apparently they're the poppy emo band with the sing-a-long-ability.

CURRENT LOOK: Just your average emo band with sing-a-long-ability. (boring)

NEW LOOK: The new romanticism! (Whoo! Hoo! Tacky, but I won't throw yer press kit away!)


Meet Lips Velvet. I don't know if he can sing or anything, but I don't think that's the point when your name's Lips Velvet.

Hey, fellas. You've got romantic names. Your friggin' band is called "Lux Courageous." Why not go with that? I'm thinking puffy shirts. The puffier the better. Oh! And leather pants with drawstrings. And let Farrah-Hair go nuts. Let's all get Farrah-Hair and then, then we'll have something!


EXHIBIT "B": FLIPSYDE



ANALYSIS: They're the hip hop act from Oakland that cares with serious, politically conscious lyrics and world beats. Musically, they're pretty good. I'm writting about them in this Thursday's section. Fashionwise? Dude, when did some black dudes take over Korn? And is that a crappy T-shirt? It's hip hop punk rock-style! Nice try boys. But you still look like everyone else. You're all menacing, but where's the fun? Will the world not be saved if you don't crack a smile? OK, OK. You're right. Your music (a nice mix of Chuck D. and the Black Eyed Peas go to Brazil) doesn't lend to that gesture, but I just bet I can come up with something that does!

CURRENT LOOK: We just dress like we might rob you, but don't let that stop you. We're deep like Mos Def and from that coast on the left! Bay Area, baby. Drive you crazy!

NEW LOOK: The streets are politics and politics are street. We're doing the Jon Stewart goes hip hop, son. One!



Tell materialistic rappers they're hurting America while showing political figures how you can subvert their game by taking their look and totally flippin' it up. Fight ignorance with irony! I'm talking about dressing in blue power suits and red ties. White starched buttons, yet, keepin' it street by wearing classic "Run DMC" era Adidas tennis shoes with the fat laces. Bust out the bling jewelry with over-the-top sayings on them like "GREEDY," accessorized with "DON'T BLAME ME, I VOTED FOR NADER" buttons optional. Now that would scare the crap out of people.


EXHIBIT "C": SHERWOOD





To see the horror in larger form ... click here.

ANALYSIS: "Top o' da mornin' to ya! We're Sherwood! Allegedly we're emo, or whatever that t'is, but in our pictures it looks like we're a-frolickin' o'er that famed emerald isle! Ay, we look ridiculous! Ay!" Boys! Boys! Boys! What are we thinking? I get that your name is "Sherwood" like the Sherwood Forest in "Robin Hood," but c'mon? You guys are one Reniassance fair from creeping me out. The Mr. Frodo look is out unless you're a hobbit or Elijah Woods.

But not all Sherwood's pics are bad. This one's OK, but it makes them look like Ivy-leagures out for a kegger who thought it would be neat to take a picture with this wooden window frame.



CURRENT LOOK: We like RPG, collect stamps and listen to Oingo Boingo. College nerds rule!

NEW LOOK: School of (emo) ROCK!


I don't know who these folks are, but they're totally working it.

If you wanna look like a bunch of hippy Catholic school boys on holiday you should push that look to the MAX. And there is nothing emo about what you're rockin' right now (whatever emo is). If anything, I look at those pictures and expect you to start "la la la-ing" like a bunch of Beatles rip offs. (See "The Syrups." And mind you, I like The Syrups. But they were so faux Beatles it hurt.) But you're not a la-la-la band of elves, right? Right? So get Catholic school boy, cad from Yale on it. Work that sweater vest like it's going out of style. Izod it! Ralph Lauren it! Get matching cardigans! Scrunch up your hair and become your own genre — Preppy punk! Dress posh, but mosh! (Or whatever that means ... it rhymes.)

___________________
Does your band need a makeover? Did you see a band that needed a makeover? Send their picture to me (dbelton@bakersfield.com) and I'll let you know if you're pimping out your fame in just the right way. Mind you, I'm not taking into account your music, how many albums you sell, or anything for that matter. I just do this because it's fun and I like making fun of boys in crappy T-shirts.

Fake Famous: The Hot Daddy

Sorry it took so long for me to get these up, but here we go. Pics of the local pop you got a make over on "The View." Apparently Bakersfield's Terry "Dutch" Nieuwkoop used to look like a hairy, grungy biker. Well, biker B-gone! He's now the hot daddy!





His daughter Jessica Ercoli looks really happy and (on the left) Alicia Rubin, author of "Frumpy to Foxy" totally approves.

I give him four thumbs up for hotness ...

My horrible, no good, very bad mood

Have you ever been in an awful mood? I mean, just a foul, awful, awful mood. The kind where you don't know why you're so surly, have no real reason for the surliness and keep ending all your sentences with "I swear, I'm going to punch someone in the throat!"

See? That's not good. Or healthy even. Especially for the person getting hit. But I've threatened imaginary people so much lately with throat shots that it must be that black bilious cloud of noxious anger called PMS.

Some people don't believe in PMS. I don't know any of those people. I just know that once a month I want to kill things. Me. Other people. My cat. Murderous rage flows through me as I wonder, "God! Why did you make me love food so much! My ass is HUGE!" Then I turn around and eat roughly my weight in cheese, never connecting one thought with the other, just remembering the hatred of all living creatures.

It's odd to be full of rage when on the surface things appear to be fine. Bills "appear" to be paid. My hair "appears" to be somewhat manageable. I "appear" to be fully functional. I have friends who care about me. A mommy who loves me. A job that pays me to basically be me, then write about four stories a week. Yet still, the craziness.

"What's the matter?" asked my friend Dave at the record store. I had no real answer. I had my formatted answer — I'm a broke divorcee who comes home to a cat. Why don't I just end it all before I wind up in a muu muu eating "Cherry Garcia" straight out the carton. All smoking Marlboros, straight, no filter. Holding whipped triple Mocha-Choca-latte-expresso nightmares from the Starbucks, whilst eatin' Cheetos, sippin' on Red Bull and being Kevin Federline's "Baby's Mama" number four. Talkin' about "You damn kids get off my LAWN!"

Move to the Midwest, get on section 8 and just watch "Jerry Springer" all day. Wear my hair in cornrows. Start using double-negatives and acting like I have nothing resembling common sense. Using "I been done it" in reference to "things I done did."

OK. Perhaps I'm being overtly melodramatic. After all, it's much more likely that I'll become a slacker and move into my mother's basement than marry K-Fed. But I'm PMSing. So tell me: Why is life worth living!?!?! Why, Bakersfield? How can there be peace in a world where Stockholm Syndrome has caused Katie Holmes to change religions and agree to marry her captor? Isn't it time for my former employer Patty Hearst to hold an intervention before Katie renames herself "Tanya" and holds up a Rabobank?

I don't know. It all just makes me so mad! Gas is $2.55 and all I've had to eat today is a large iced vanilla latte from Syndicate Lounge. George Lucas has $18 and about 2-and-a-half hours of my life I'm never going to get back. My kitchen sink is clogged. I'm just no fun today. Here. Go to this web site and enjoy a chuckle.

More things to warp your fragile little minds

Being raised by a school teacher and an electrical engineer there was always plenty of reading material at our house. They were serious people who didn't care for things like keeping up with the latest trends, movies, music or people. Therefore it was only natural that I would become obsessed with all those things.

They wanted me to be a lawyer. They got an entertainment reporter. I don't really see a difference there.

That said, I love pointless information. I just do. And I love pointless information about celebrities, but *gasp* I don't want to pay for that information. That's why I used — the celebrity blogs.

All sugar and nothing of use whatsoever, completely empty-headed and mindless in every way and just as fun as ripping into a hot box o' Krispy Cremes with none of that pesky guilty after taste. (Or getting cold and disgusting.)

Why? You don't believe me? Digest this!


Ryan Seacrest and Lindsay Lohan. I don't know why it's funny, but Trent thinks it is!

It's "Pink Is the New Blog!" Could it be more pointless? Yes! And that would only make it better. It's literally nothing but random pictures of famous people and one nosy guy's (Trent's) snarky comments. Today he's all over Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' increasingly horrifying relationship which has now hit "engagement zone," ensuring that this horror is going to go on and on until it explodes and gets gunk all over us.


Clovis' own Mr. Britney Spears — Kevin Federline.

There's famous and there's fake famous and then there's "Fresno Famous!" Just when you thought it was safe to that drive up the five, there's a web site keeping track on all that is interestingly weird going on in Fresno. The "Sour Grapes blog is especially lovely and the site further proves to me that the Bako, the Fresno and Visalia are all like bitter distant cousins who all hate Los Angeles.

Check out the information superhighway 99, courtesy of Fresyes.com, another delightful central valley blog that's all gooey filler. Nothing to make that noggin' work too hard.

Speaking of fun, light reading, there's also my personal favorite ... Go Fug Yourself!


Hey, buddy! I don't have any change. Oh wait, that's just Ashton Kutchner getting "fugly."

As someone who likes fashion, I also enjoy anti-fashion and on "Go Fug Yourself" they celebrate the notion that fugly is the new pretty. If you want a definition of fugly? Well, a pictures worth a thousand definitions of fugly.

Specifically this one ...


It's Chloe Sevigny. I like her acting, but her clothes! She makes me laugh.

Wear what you want, Bakersfield! Famous people do! And MAN, that was pointless! Just like I like it. Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming of D-list celebrities ballroom dancing and Vanilla Ice's comeback.

Thursday Preview: Rock n' Roll

Wondering what's coming up in this week's Eye on Entertainment in The Californian?

Wonder no more! Coming this Thursday: WOTS, rock and rock with motorcycles ...


"Look Ma! I'm pointing at something!" Michigan man band Bear Vs. Shark

WHEN BANDS ATTACK: Bear Vs. Shark

Back to play the punk rock dungeon that is Jerry's Pizza next Wednesday, singer Marc Paffi and his band "Bear Vs. Shark" are the first out-of-town act to be part of our new "Why?" feature that asks band's to tell us why Bakersfieldians should come to their show.

Paffi also wants you to know that he makes dentures for a living and that the A/C is broken in their tour van. Go to the show. They need the money for air conditioning!

THE "SUM" OF ALL FEARS: Sum 41 Q&A

They promised you "All Killer No Filler" and asked you "Does This Look Infected?" Now the rock n' roll pranksters are back in Bako, still promoting their latest album "Chuck." The Canadians with the Cali pop punk sound (featuring lead singer Deryck Whibley, guitarist/vocalist Dave Baksh, bassist Cone McCaslin and drummer Steve Jocz) are playing Bakersfield Thursday night at the MontGo Plaza (That's Montgomery World Plaza). I got to interview Baksh and we chatted about his band's possible new reality show for MTV2 and the hot romance between Sum 41's lead singer and pop rock All-Star, Avril Lavigne.

BIKES, BEER, BANDS, BABES, BAKERSFIELD?: The First-Annual Bakersfield Thunder Run

Hey? Who invited all these celebrity motorcycle fabricators to the party? And they're in Bakersfield for a huge show? And some TV shows will be there filming? And they're going to do a live bike build with a local bike builder? And there's a bunch food, plenty to drink AND a rock concert featuring Trainwreck, Sick Trigger, The Filithies and the Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash? It's happening this weekend. Bakersfield's first really big biker show. Finally, all those West Coast Choppers T-shirts won't be worn in vein. Also look for a Q&A with builder Yasuyoshi “Chica” Chikazawa of Chica Custom Cycles, talking about doing that thing that he does with motorcycles.

THE WORD ON THE STREET

Ever wonder what happens when you refer to former American Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis as "freaky?" Well, for one thing, you get the FINGER WAGGING OF YOUR LIFE from C-Money fans. Hey! WOTS liked Constantine. She meant that "freaky" in a good way ... sort of.

Wham Bam, Club Tam

This sounds like a funky good time. "Look at All the Love We Found --- A Tribute to Sublime" going down this Saturday at Club Tam at the Tam O'Shanter (2345 Alta Vista Dr.) If you're over 21 you can have some fun at The Tam. Personally, I love the Tam O'Shanter. It's old school cool in copius amounts.

Show starts at 7 p.m. and will feature acoustic guitar soloist Mickey Rage, local rock band, Out of Room and the LA rock band, bFoundation.

Between acts, the DJ will play bits of the Sublime Tribute CD, which drops in stores on June 21. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of the CD, and from the event at Club Tam, will be donated to the Deborah and Carlos Santana Milagro Foundation, and the MusiCares MAP Fund.

Poshity-Posh-Posh!

FAKE FAMOUS
a new blog feature by your favorite fake famous entertainment reporter

Bakersfield scene, I love you. Let's do lunch. While we're at lunch we can discuss about why we spend so much time obsessing over the actual famous when we could be obsesing over our own brand of B-town fame. Yes, you know what I'm talking about -- Fake Fame. Dude, I, Danielle "The C is for Crazy" Belton, am totally fake famous in Bakersfield and I know I'm not the only one. Well, now, like a good entertainment reporter, not only will I serve you up tidbits on shows and folks coming to town, I will introduce you to people, places, bands and things in the B-town that totally deserve to be either just as, or even more, fake famous than me.

Today's canidate for "Fake Fame" is salon/boutique owner Leah Little of Posh.

* * * *
Leah Little with Posh dropped me a note over the weekend for giving her a shout-out in my WOTS column last week. Her shop was featured in my Sunday fashion piece (login required). As you may recall from the "Everybody's Working For the Weekend" series, Leah and her crew showed up on a Saturday night at Xander's Grill celebrating a recent fashion show.

Here are some shots for a show Leah had at Xander's. (Which, like to PJ's Jazz & Blues, is where I'm moving. Seriously. I'll be well fed with good drinks, pretty people and jazz music around me at all times. I could finally die happy.)









Leah is really hustling to make her shop stand out in Bakersfield's fast growing high-end boutique arena. She just finished hitting a Ed Hardy party in LA. According to Leah his new line is destined to be the next Von Dutch.

"I just want people to know Posh has it before the black market copies it," she wrote.

Posh is going to be the only shop in Central Cali to carry the line.



Here's Leah and designer Christian Augier from the Ed Hardy show in LA. Leah (of course) is the super cute blonde Augier is hugging. Leah, like her last name, is Little, but she's all kinds of spunky funky. (But who's the guy in the pink spotty shirt behind you guys? He's not feeling the spunky-funky love over there.)

Leah said this new line is getting "lots of press, but people in Bakersfield don't know of them yet, lets keep Bakerfield informed the same time as Hollywood so Bakersfield can be trendy too."

Touche, my dear! Go Leah, work those trends!

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You don't have to be a star to be in my show: Got some news I could use about you, your music, your band, your play, your clothing line, your club, your bar, your boutique, a recent show, anything fashionable in the fake celebrity world of Bakersfield? Send it to me! Danielle C. Belton, fake celebrity journalist! Because Baketown is like Moby -- here, we're all made of stars. Get "Fake Famous" by sending yer dirt, photos, etc. to dbelton@bakersfield.com.

Must Barf TV

I'm a big fan of Television Without Pity that I'll even read the recaps when I don't watch the show. They're a powerful force. They actually got me to start watching "Veronica Mars," a show I initially ignored because the minute I saw the previews I thought, "Look! It's Buffy! Without the vampires!" And didn't watch it. But then I'm hard on all those WB/UPN teen dramas as I never watched them. I just made fun of them. Like "Dawson's Creek" with it's six-year-olds who spoke like they just graduated from Vassar.

It was because I enjoy reading the recaps on Television Without Pity's site that I actually tried to watch an episode of "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic" just for the hell of it. They made it sound so horrible and funny, but GOOD LORD that's unwatchable! I lasted five minutes looking up Britney Spears' nose at that unwashed mass that is herself and Kevin Federline (not-so-fresh from LA by the way of Fresno! Thanks, Fresno! You must be proud.) It was like an STD came to life and got it's own TV show.

I haven't seen anything this abhorrent on television since "Coupling (The British "Friends" clone, that we cloned for a bad sitcom.)" Or perhaps "It's Like You Know ..."

Or that show where Kramer played the detective.

What TV show made you question if life was worth living? Was it that show with the Ewoks? Or "Cheaters?" For you, what were some of the top worst TV you witnessed?

I call "Family Matters!" Every time you had to learn "the moral of the show" they played that stupid ass music. And it had Urkle. Go! Go!

Oh, and a demerit if you say "Jerry Springer" as everyone knows that show is horrible including Jerry himself and he thus advertises the bottom-feeding slugfest accordingly.

Now go!

Everybody's Working For the Weekend, Pt. 6

This Episode of Lost Laundry Was Brought to You By Atari

Growing up, my parents didn't allow video games and preferred to lob books at me to read. I didn't mind, as I liked reading, but it was sad to me and my nerdling sisters that when everyone else was already on their Nintendo 64 we were just then getting regular Nintendo.

And regular Nintendo with the original Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt.

Fortunately my grandmother in Arkansas was less miserly with the video games, getting an Atari console back when everyone had Ataris in the 1980s. And, at my Granny's house, my favorite game to play was "Centipede."

The game isn't rocket science, it's about killing bugs in a quick fashion before they kill you. There was some fantasy back story. I can't recall it right now. Maybe they'll make a movie about it in Hollywood. They're making "Bewitched" (which actually looks mildly inoffensive) and a live action "Transformers" (which will probably make me react violently in some sort of manner.) So why not "Centipede?" It can't be worse than the second "Anaconda" film.

But long story short, I love "Centipede." I tricked myself into finally doing my laundry by telling myself I would save quarters to play the old school arcade game at my Laundromat.

Now, I hate the Laundromat with a passion. I hate washing clothes and all domestic chores. I've never liked it. Sometimes I will even go out and buy clothes just to avoid washing the ones I already have. (But that gets expensive fast.) But I knew I was reaching critical mass with the dirty clothes. All my work pants and blouses were rank and it was do-or-die.

So I took up several washers, strapped on the headphones to that Gwen Stefani CD that I like (save that one horrid "Harajuku Girls" song that causes violent urges in me) and strapped myself in for some Atari.

I found that the time just flew when I was killing things! The clothes seemed to magically dance into the dryer as I conversed with a tiny tot who insisted he had beat the game once, even though he had to ask me twice what exact game I was playing.

Cute little kid. All lying to me. It was sweet.

I was having so much fun, that literally I didn't notice that I'd loaded seven washers, not six. No, I was too busy bopping my head, enjoying the mania of "Bubble Pop Electric." I was suddenly eight and I was in my Granny's house I was killing little pixilated bleeps and whistles while a Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam cut played in the background.

The gaming experience perked me up so much that I left the Laundromat without realizing that I had a washer with all my work pants and jackets, a dress and several blouses, still there.

I would go on to have my car washed by plucky Bible study kids. I would go home, talk on the phone to my friend for two hours, work on the screenplay then go see "Youthanasia." I went to the after party. And I woke up on Sunday to write some more, then not realize I was missing my work clothes until it was time for me to go in to work a Sunday evening shift at Ye Olde Californian.

And so, for the past three days I've worn the same pair of dark jeans to work.

Not happy about that.

I also lost a favorite jacket and a beloved pair of striped pants.

Not happy about that either.

But in the larger scheme of things, this weekend did not completely blow and in the end that's what really counts. As the song goes, "There Is Life Outside Your Apartment!" And sometimes you have to leave your house if you want to get your clothes clean or be kissed by strangers. So get a life and go out and do something wild and crazy (within the confides of the law). You'll feel better. And if your clothes get stolen ... well, hopefully they went to a better place.

"And drop page ... and SCENE!"

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That said, now that I've gotten all this out of my system, it is time to return to our regularly scheduled programming of local on-goings, TV programs I hate, neat web sites, The Californian, local entertainment, downtown, music and the occasional celebrity parody.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend, Pt. 5

SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALRIGHT (FOR SMOOCHING)

It's getting late have you seen my mates
Ma tell me when the boys get here
It's seven o'clock and I want to rock
Want to get a belly full of beer

Keeping with the beer keg theme of an already beer filled evening, I went to Xander's Grill Saturday night after seeing "Youthanasia" at the Empty Space. I was persuaded to go by Justin who made an amazing argument that mostly consisted of, "You're great! You have to come! There's a keg of beer that we need you to help drain!"

Hosted by the Brothers Runnels and Justin, Xander's did deliver on their keg, which was poured by a pretty, smiley-faced brunette. A matter of fact, everyone was pretty in Xander's. Like "LA" out-of-work actress pretty. I half expected them to hand out headshots with those beers. Even the hostess was this side of amazingly TV pretty. I wondered where they were filming the reality show.

Even the restaurant was pretty. It was like the whole thing was flown in from the Bay Area and set up in Bakersfield. Of course where Xander's is I thought they were opening a restaurant called "Lotus" a few months back. Maybe that fell through? Or maybe Xander's IS Lotus. Either way, their logo design really doesn't reflect on the poshity-posh-posh design of the restaurant with the gigantic pieces of commissioned abstract art and "Queer Eye for the Restaurant Guy" furniture.

My old man's drunker than a barrel full of monkeys
And my old lady she don't care
My sister looks cute in her braces and boots
A handful of grease in her hair

When I got there, there were two parties going. One, a fun looking, all hip hop birthday party downstairs in the bar area (which was all dark and blue and sleek-like) and the "Youthanasia" hoe-down upstairs. There was also a separate Rockin' Reggae Fest after party going for the folks at Posh (1517 20th St.), where the owner of the trendy boutique/salon was having dinner with her family and friends. They did a fashion show at the Rockin' Reggae Fest, where depending on who you ask the show was either great or not-so-great. I wasn't there (I made my choice. I chose movie.) so I can't tell you.

Anyway, I love the lady at Posh because she's so po-mo. She's the size of a Smurf and is so blonde and bubbly ... like a miniature Goldie Hawn.

A lot of people who are fake Bakersfield famous were there that night. Hal Friedman, who is now not leaving the Bako and staying to direct a film, was there along with most of the cast of "Big, The Musical." He came in with Roger Mathey, Kelly Sorrow and Justin Brooks. For those who don't know — Hal's a great director who used to work for the Spotlight Theatre. He wrote the play "Hatikvah" which went to LA last summer. He's also a song and dance man. Roger is friends with Hal and is also a great director. He has Hal's old job at the Spotlight and directed an award-winning production of "Trainspotting" in LA awhile back and put on a great rendition of Kevin Smith's "Clerks" that was shut down two weeks after opening by Smith's attorneys. Never mind the thing was freakin' genius, but que sera sera.

Justin, the star of "Youthanasia," was in Roger's production of "Trainspotting" and got nominated for a best actor award out of it. And that's how the Runnels met Roger because they saw that production and talked to him about wanting to cast Justin in their film.

Justin Brooks is a local actor who recently starred in "Blood Brothers." (He was the rich one.) And Kelly was in that-play-that-shall-remain-nameless, a featured model in a fashion shoot we did over a year ago and is a skilled dancer and actress.

So now you know everyone I know. Hal's sweetly dramatic (Like Charlie Brown). Roger's sarcastic. Kelly's that rare person who pulls off both "bubbly" and "intense" at the same time. Like you already can't help but look at her because she's "TV pretty," but then there something super intense about her, like she's the one cheerleader who might actually stab you if you make the team instead of her. Not that she would actually do that, because I don't think Kelly is homicidal, but she has the intense look of a murderous cheerleader, which I think is pretty neat because it totally works in a Reese Witherspoon in "Election" sort of way.

Justin Brooks, well, I don't know Justin B. well enough to describe him with any justice and I don't want to say "nice" because he deserves a descriptive turn of phrase like everyone else. Justin B.? You look like you could be "snarky," so I dub you snarky-guy-who-really-cares. For instance, you look like someone who would have something snarky to say, but then would genuinely care, for example, like if Lindsey Lohan really does have a cocaine problem, you wouldn't laugh because it's not really funny. But then you'd say, "But coke or no, that heifer still needs to eat a sandwich! Does cocaine make you allergic to the sandwiches?" You look like that guy. I could be wrong.

My review for "Big, The Musical" had just come out that week, so naturally, this was the issue of the evening that was discussed. Hal told me he did not want to do that dance that I mentioned in my review. Hal has an ill-advised solo dance number in "Big, The Musical" that I described as "a shade ridiculous."

"I didn't want to do it!" he said in all exclamation points jokingly! "Now I'm going to think about that every time I go out there!"

I love Hal. He speaks in exclamation points sometimes.

Don't give us none of your aggravation
We had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in

Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright alright alright

At Xander's I was surprised and happy to see that the DJ was none other than Gigantic Vintage's AJ and his friend/bandmate Mike. AJ is skinny and mod and Mike is partial to body building and together they are extremely DeLorean, with AJ's throwback, 1970s Daryl Hall of Hall & Oates thing going on and man-child Mike looking like a jock even though he's not quite a jock, even though he kind of is. Together, they're a soup of sexy but it's a strange one. Like that burger at Red Robin with the pineapple on it that actually highly enjoyable. Or Mark Wahlberg in "Rock Star."

AJ and Mike are starting a band. Something psychedelic I believe. AJ, who's partial to British Mod culture and Catholic iconography, was his usual sly, snarky self. While Mike was his usual goofy self, with his blonde hair presently dyed black. Although he primarily played 80s punk and New Wave, AJ would occasionally punish everyone with a fluffy bit of 80s pop which, of course, is Dexy's Midnight Runners "C'mon Eileen."

I had three drinks in myself at this point, so I was having a delightful, hair-swinging, finger-popping, half-listening to conversations good time. Mike kept telling me he was glad I was dancing and other people kept telling me it was cool I was dancing and they wanted to dance, but were too self conscious to dance. So in retrospect I'm wondering — did I totally pull an "Elaine Benes" at the party? Did I look like I needed medical help with my furious head bob?

Well they're packed pretty tight in here tonight
I'm looking for a dolly who'll see me right
I may use a little muscle to get what I need
I may sink a little drink and shout out "She's with me!"

As the party wound down, I kept trying to find excuses to leave, but kept getting sucked into conversations I naturally, wanted to be sucked in. I like to talk. I like to listen to other people talking. And everyone kept saying just nice things to me. "I love your hair!" "I love the DeLorean T-shirt!" "I loved the article!" and since I'd had four beers at this point, I'd completely lost that part of me that won't let me accept praise. Sure, I smile and nod like I'm accepting your praise, Bakersfield. But when I'm sober what I'm really thinking is, "You think I'm a dork." Never mind you just said you wanted to have my babies or you're trying to drunkenly make-out with me. I'm thinking, "I have negative $3 in my checking account and I shop at Target. Why are you even talking to me?"

I had a guy volunteer to be my "friend." He was ... not my type. After I kept giving him the universal "NOT INTERESTED" symbol he got the point.

"You don't look like you're looking for a friend," he cooed in what I can only describe as the gayest gay black guy voice ever. What does the gayest gay black guy voice sound like? Well, it's hard to tell since the voice really has nothing to do with actual homosexuality or race, but involves lots of helium and slang.

"No. I'm not," I said.

And then he scurried away.

A couple of the sound that I really like
Are the sounds of a switchblade and a motorbike
I'm a juvenile product of the working class
Whose best friend floats in the bottom of a glass

The high point of the evening (for me personally) was dancing to Violent Femme's "Blister In the Sun" and being playfully smooched repeatedly by an extremely happy/tipsy Justin Zachary. In all fairness, once I realized he was giving out free kisses I basically jumped in the line of fire, but c'mon. I have nothing. Let me have this.

It was a natural progression. We went from shaking hands to hugging to a kiss on the cheek to "we're best friends!" kiss on the lips in a four hour span. Of course my motives were duplicitous, but then I'm the girl who does nothing, so the duplicity consisted of using this as fodder to write about. I mean, I was slightly inebriated and all giggly and all I could think about was "I have to put this in the BLOG! I'm TOTALLY WRITING ABOUT THIS!"

The incident made me think of how every time I saw Robert Spinzo he became more affectionate just because he was one of those SUPER affectionate people, that by the third time I met him we'd moved to wet sloppy kiss-on-the-cheek status and I wondered, "What next on the fourth meeting? Frenching?"

But for some reason something about me says, "I'm huggable!" And ... well, it's true. But I'm not going to start kissing you all "hello and good-bye, Bakersfield" because I'm the sort of woman who adapts to how you look to do your greetings! If you shake hands, I'll shake your hand. If you hug, I'll hug you back. If you kiss on the cheek, I'll kiss you back. If you're going to kiss me playfully on the lips? Well, be pretty or charming or buy me some damn dinner first because I might slap you.

I mean, really. I'll totally knee you in the groin. It's not that kind of party.

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Dude, if you didn't know those song lyrics, that's sad. It's totally "Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)" by Elton John.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend, Pt. 4

THEY PUT THE "YOUTH" IN "YOUTHANASIA"

Starring Bakersfield boy Justin Zachary, "Youthanasia" made it's local premiere Saturday night and I was there for a practically packed house inside the Empty Space, which for once, was not as hot as the inside of an Easy Bake Oven.

The film was told in a non-linear style and the script, originally a play, was written nearly ten years ago. It was bemusing to watch as it reminded me of a much less naked and hateful mining of the same territory Larry Clark tackled in "Kids." In the film, teens were portrayed as the sex obsessed, drunken emotional beasts that they are as opposed to that squeaky clean version of teendome Hilary Duff has been shilling at the multiplex for the past three years.

Like "Kids" and Justin Lin's "Better Luck Tomorrow" parents are a non-entity in the film. The teens drift in and out of lives, floating on the cusp of adulthood with little or no supervision; beset by a world where everyone's parents seem to be divorced, too busy working or just not emotionally there. At 70-minutes, the film is edited at a clip, with scenes (some related; some not) bouncing around in the collective memory of Zachary's tragic figure "Tommy."

All of "The DeLorean Theory of Wrongness and Rightness" work to Justin's advantage in the film as he's innocent, charming, thuggish, warm, vulgar, raunchy, child-like, hopeless, loving, awkward, gangly, disarming, lustful and ridiculous. And sometimes he's all that in just one scene as he goes through the schizophrenic field of emotions that is being 17. Teaj Sanderson, who played the aggressive yet cowardly, Doug, delivered all his lines with a bite meant to emasculate anyone in earshot. And Ian Carlson was sweet and puppy dog-like as the tragically effeminate, sensitive boy-child Steve. The three of them were great together and lent the film authenticity since it made sense why this friendship dynamic would work "pre-tragic event that ruins everyone's lives," but not post-tragic event. In high school they're all equals. In the real world they're not even on the same planet. Steve's a brainy preppy. Doug's a slacker and there was just something very "white ghetto" about Justin's Tommy. He didn't sound like a rapper or act like one even, but I've always been a strong believer that some attributes are simply a state of mind and Tommy's state looked a lot like systematic urban oppression meets the mini-malls of Modesto.

It was interesting to watch a guy who'd offered me a beer an hour ago have sex on screen while his mother and grandmother were in the audience, but that's the world of acting. But it was a welcome change of pace, since the last time I was at the Empty Space I watched men paw frantically at other men in the throws of passion for the umpteenth time this year. Not that I have a problem with that, but, a lot of that's been going around lately. Theatrically. In town.

Teaj was at the showing of the film which also starred Shannon Lucio, who's best known for playing "Lindsay Garner" on Fox's "The O.C." I'll be honest, I've never watched one episode of this show and have always been under the impression that Benjamin McKenzie, one of the show's leads, looks way too old to play a teenager.

Teaj is a curly-headed blonde charmer, the polar opposite of his friendly, but jerky-ass character. That's not to say he doesn't look like he's capable of incredible mischief, but he's way too metro to ever be mistaken for Doug, who if his character had the grades would have gone to a large state school and become the leading candidate for "Accessory to Frat Boy Date Drug Rapist." As in, he wouldn't be the guy who planned the thing, but he would have gone with it because of peer pressure, then would be the one trying to cowardly justify it all to the girl by saying, "Hey! I at least pulled your dress down afterwards then took you home. You should thank me because the other Delta Chi guys just going to leave you out there on the tarmac!" And the ever popular, "You were totally into it! How was I supposed to know they gave you roofies!"

But I digress.

Teaj jokingly asked for a shout-out to his handsomeness, which includes the aforementioned blonde curls, his mischief-making smile and rock hard abs, seen briefly during a pool scene and a beach scene in "Youthanasia."

Here's to Teaj's abs: They're lovely.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend, Pt. 3

THE DELOREAN

My friends, never underestimate the power of the DeLorean. It will earn coveted stares, questions and build up to a furious, gossipy buzz. Even if it's just a picture on a "Back to the Future" T-shirt.

For those who don't know or perhaps, you were too busy watching Sesame Street during the '80s, a DeLorean is a rare automobile known for it's gull-wing doors and stainless steel design. It was only made from 1981 to 1983. It was bizarre. It was gorgeous. It was ambitious. It was tacky. It was daring. It starred in the film "Back 2 the Future."

It was also ultimately disastrous as the fellow how founded the DeLorean, former General Motors engineer John Z. DeLorean, was accused of trafficking cocaine in order to finance his company — DeLorean Motor Co. Even though he was later exonerated, one doesn't rebound from being accused of drug trafficking. But the moral of this story is, if you're driving around in a DeLorean people will look at you. Heck, if you wear a T-shirt with a DeLorean on it people will look at you, as I learned Saturday night at the sneak peek of an independent film.

I wanna go back in time ... to Saturday night when I wore "the DeLorean" to the film premiere of "Youthanasia" at the Empty Space.

I did not dress up because I was lazy. Even though I knew I was going to a film premiere. Even though I knew I was going to run into everyone and their grandma. Even though I knew there was an after party that I was planning on not going to but would probably go to anyway — I did not dress up. I put on a denim skirt and the "DeLorean" and told myself I was going home THE MINUTE the movie ended.

Yeah. Sure ... I'm like Star Jones at Sizzler with a two-for-one coupon when it comes to a party and a group of unnaturally pretty people. It was there with those pretty, pretty hobohemians I discovered "The DeLorean Theory of Rightness and Wrongness," which is essentially the idea of something that works despite the fact that it is both interesting and flawed. Like for example, despite all my efforts at becoming invisible at these sort of things, my personality does not lend to it. A DeLorean gaudy and loud and overdone and demands your attention. So do I. ... So do I with beer. And there was a keg at the Empty Space provided by the directors of "Youthanasia," the brothers Runnels, and their star, Bakersfield's Justin Zachary.

Justin is very much a DeLorean, although a very different kind from myself. An unnaturally pretty man with warm affecting eyes, he's all wrong and right in the ways an actor should be. He's tall but slouches; pretty, but masculine; seemingly oversized yet unbelievably thin. He's nice to look at, yet he's wearing flip flops and clothes from the thrift store. He could basically toss on an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt and somehow make it look muy rica con irony delicioso ... while if anyone else wore it they'd look like an idiot wearing an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt.

Yes, he's all wrong and right and still has it all come together and work marvelously in the end. Very DeLorean.

I spent a good part of the hour before the film started yacking with Justin about nothing, then retelling the story of how I was dumped for Jesus my first year in Bakersfield to a perky Empty Spacer. Like a seasoned comic, I have a lot of material I throw out at parties to people who haven't heard my 50 billion stories before. "Dumped For Jesus" is usually enjoyable, despite being bittersweet since I really did like the guy who essentially dumped me for Our Lord and Savior.

My tag line at the end of that story is always, "If you're going to get dumped for someone, it might as well be Jesus" which the woman I was telling the story to picked up on before I could even remember to blurt it out. I was distracted by the long line of people waiting for beer and snacks while I stood behind the counter gossiping. Working the booth was Empty Spacer/actor Doug Cheesman managing to completely screw up a bag of microwave popcorn. Doug, a handsome, gangly man who's about 90 percent smiley teeth, knees and elbows is the human personification of a giraffe ... with totally ripped abs. And now the buff giraffe was burning popcorn. It was very DeLorean. Mesmerizing even, as noted by Empty Spacer, Guinevere Park-Hall's beaux, whom I was chatting with. Watching poor Doug try to juggle a gargantuan line of people and Gwen trying to show him how to manipulate the aging microwave to pop the popcorn right with those cups of beer everywhere was awe producing. Leaving you to often bemuse, "how did that giraffe get his hair to moose up like that?" But who hasn't stared into the abyss of a DeLorean and thought, "It's strange, but I like it?"

It's strange, but I like it and it works.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend, Pt. 2

THE LONELY CRITIC

Stuck in a four-hour work meeting on Thursday I was desperate for a burger and a beer so I went to Fishlips where I spent 15 minutes whining on the cell phone to Christina about how she is my only friend. I have other friends, but Christina's the designated one I whine to, thus must deal with my unfortunate mood swings. You'd think as a reporter it would be easier for me to meet people and make friends and you're right — it is, if you're up for it. But if you're a moody, sometimes depressed ball of nutso like myself sometimes it can prove difficult because I make it so.

"I have no friends," I kvetched while abusing my French fries, a la Elizabeth Berkley in 'Showgirls.' "I walked around the newsroom and realized there was no one I could ask to get a burger with me. Back in season one and two* I could have totally asked anyone, but now? No one."

(*Season one and two is code for our first two years at The Californian, the TV sitcom that is our real lives. She started six months after I showed up in January of 2002. We're so at that season where they've replaced all the leads and suddenly I'm Noah Wyle and this is "ER." It's like I'm Rog on "What's Happening, Now!" and there's no Rerun.)

"Dude. You could have totally asked anyone," said Christina, the voice of reason.

"No I couldn't," I whined in all whiney-ness. "Everyone I used to be close to doesn't work her anymore. I mean, back in season one and two I used to literally ask people to dinner and lunch all the time, but you know how in the last couple years I don't do anything anymore. I miss season two."

"You don't really miss season two*."

("Season Two." While it made for excellent drama it was grossly unpleasant. It involved much pain and suffering for all parties. It was the season with the fake Danielle Robot, the "Evil Twin," the switched-at-birth story line and the "Who Shot JR?" moment. I think we jumped the shark during the finale of season two when I found out I was my own mother during a musical episode that ended with the plucky girl and the sexist pig ruining all the tension on the show by finally doing it and then the star left to start a failed movie career and was replaced by one of the Miller Lite twins.)

"Well, you know what I mean," I said. "I miss feeling like I knew everyone. I'd ask the new people but they probably think I'm all weird and aloof."

"They do not think you're weird and aloof."

"I am. I'm weird and aloof. I've turned into ____," I said referring to the one known as ____.

"No one thinks you're ____."

"They totally think I'm ____! I am ____! It has finally happened. But at least he had a weird cult of friends. I have no one."

"Just ask someone to lunch. I mean, how hard is that? Was it hard to ask people to lunch two years ago when you asked people to lunch? You can make friends. You're very friendly."

"What do you know? I've turned into ____!"

Yeah. I'm so ____ it's not even funny. My friend, who has a life, had to get off the phone with me so I ended up bonding with the bartender who introduced me to a tasty blonde beer and his theory on the cheap brew known on colleges throughout the land as the "Rolling Rock."

"The only people who drink Rolling Rock are people who smoke weed," opined the barkeep. "Seriously. I've never been to a bar where Rolling Rock was on tap. It is totally a college thing."

Rolling Rock is a fake beer. Like Fosters which isn't from Australia. Or Corona which is made in Chicago.

"People ask me if I have any Mexican beers on tap," chuckled the Barkeep. "I say, 'yeah, I got Budweiser y Bud Lite y Coors Lite ... "

The joke is all those beers are made in Mexico, he said. That Corona is with lime not.

"I've never seen a Hispanic person order a Corona. They drink Bud Lite. And people are always saying they get cheap Coronas in Mexico and they're like four dollars a bottle just like they are here."

I could only nod. I don't know jack crap about beer. He's the bartender, man. I'm the woman who writes.